Michael Schumacher's career hung in the balance last night following a French court ruling that the motor racing legend had been found guilty of alcohol abuse.
In a landmark prosecution brought by the Champagne Growers Federation de France, it was proven beyond all possible doubt that the ice-cool Teutonic legend was guilty of the most blatant abuse.
Monsieur Claude De Moet, spokesperson for the Champagne growers, gave an account of the sequence of events leading up to the court case.
"We take ze making of ze Champagne with ze same loving care as ze making of ze children"
"Each grape is lovingly picked at exactly ze right moment by angelic virgins".
"Ze mature grapes are then pressed by ze tender feet of our most perfect, blue eyed boys."
"Ze juice from the grapes is then fermented in ze strongest and purest French bottles"
"Each bottle is turned by hand,once a day, by a century-old Aristocrat"
"Ze sediment is the removed from each bottle by a direct descendant of King Louis ze XIV"
"Ze liquid of ze gods is then fermented in cool, regal, palaces for a further 5 years until it is ready to..."
At this point, Claude broke down, choked with emotion as the images of the dastardly Schumacher came flooding back. But after a few moments and a large drink of Champagne, he continued ;
"Then we put the gold foil on each bottle and fix a regal label to certify its noble pedigree"
"And then we give ze 'angels nectar' to ze egotistic, barbaric, spoiled brats called formula 1 racing drivers who spray it all over each other!"
"Are ze speed freaks so dim that zey don't know that the Champagne is for ze drinking?"
"Alcohol abuse! Bring back Madame Guillotine! "