Wayne Rooney - "Don't Call Me Postmodern!"

Funny story written by snoz bunsen

Monday, 10 October 2005

image for Wayne Rooney - "Don't Call Me Postmodern!"
Reflective Rooney Is In The Contemplative Form Of His Young Life

Soccer starlet Wayne Rooney today insisted he is a reflective-eclecticist following recent newspaper allegations that he had embraced the tenet of (19th century philosopher) Friedrich Nietzsche in his role as the grandfather of Postmodernism.

The prodigious teenage striker explained, "I can understand that from a purely footballing perspective I could be described as Apollonian, however the dionyianistic tendency of the football crowd could never practically induce me to embrace their community with any ardour, so with regard that specific point the claim does not really hold up to much scrutiny. Furthermore, although I would firmly champion the commonly held belief that the schismistic factionalism -tribal warfare if you like- of the supporting group does have its merits, for me as a role model it is not something I could or would universally advocate and for that reason alone, I would deny Postmodernism as a personal doctrine." The England striker laughed, "That said, some of Nietzsche's views on the will to power probably apply to the supporting assemblage more than most!"

Rooney also dismissed Nietzsche's belief in perspectivism, which itself stems from the latter's Phenomenalist views. "This could be seen as braggadocio on my part -and I am not dismissing the likes of Bertrand Russell when I say this- but It is my view that there must be an inaccessible reality behind the superficial appearance of things on the personal level. Surely it cannot be dismissed purely as metaphysics, when an 18 year-old lad has a tangible actuality, ergo the dream of every red-blooded boy in the country?" The talented teen went on to say, "It would actually be remiss of me to voice any other deduction with regard Phenomenalism as that would be, frankly, a slight to the football proselyte. Don't forget I was a mascot at the Merseyside derby as a stripling so I've seen both sides as it were."

As a particularly socially conscientious individual, Rooney does have his fears for the future and explains that this is where he feels he has an active role to play, "For me, eclecticism is important and there is simply nothing worse than Dogma. Of course, I am eighteen years old and my conjecture will undoubtedly change with the passage of time. I remember discussing this with the skip' a couple of weeks back incidentally and he said he was probably an idealist up until the repercussions following the Diego Simeone donnybrook at France '98. Personally, I have worked extremely hard over the years to nurture the genetic miracle that is my footballing ability although frankly, I find it incommodious that footballers are paid so much money in this day and age -It's not that we should know better, more a case of us actually knowing better which makes it all the more crass to be honest. To use a footballing metaphor, my life is a game of two half's and I speak of course of my on field exploits on one hand and my community work on the other. If I can use some of my wealth and profile to fund and sponsor, as an example, a debating club for disenfranchised youth groups we may well find that there are ways for the enfeebled adult of tomorrow to do something about this post-techno-capitalist world we appear to inhabit. They just need a voice, and perhaps I can go some way towards being their champion both on and off the field."

Rooney left the last word to an old friend: "As I say, maybe I'll change with time and maybe I've got it all wrong but as philosppher A.J. Ayer used to say, why should you mind being wrong if someone can show you that you are?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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