Written by Dan DiLucchio

Friday, 6 August 2004

ESPN, Greece, August 2004. An Olympic pick-up team from Nepal humiliated the U.S. Olympic basketball team yesterday, giving the Americans their second straight exhibition loss in a week. In a lopsided 129 to 15 score, the U.S. team revealed fatal weaknesses in their overall game, and life, strategy. Larry Brown, the U.S. coach offered a host of lame excuses ranging from Allen Iverson's hangnail to the absence of Rolls Royce limousine transportation service for the players. "Playing here is a huge adjustment for the U.S. players. These are Spartan conditions," said Brown. "The players actually have to depend on public transportation. They are living in sub-mansion facilities and they have to come into close contact with real people from foreign countries. What can we expect?"

The Nepal players, 4 of whom had never seen a basketball before the Thursday evening game, played seamlessly together. The five friends had traveled to Greece to watch the Olympic games and specifically cheer on the Nepalese Sherpa team who are competing in the newly formed Olympus mountain climbing competition.

"We found a basketball court and decided to get some exercise," said the team spokesperson, Tamang Gurung. After watching the U.S. loss to Italy on Tuesday night, the five friends decided to take on the Americans. "It was a breeze," they said, "The Americans do not seem to be able to pass the ball to each other, so guarding them was easy. Also, you know whoever has the ball is definitely going to shoot so we could quintuple-team them."

Twenty-two seconds of intensive research by this reporter revealed that there is not one basketball net in the entire 136,88 square kilometers of Nepal, although across the border, China makes 99% of the world's basketballs and sneakers. Actually, unbeknownst to them, many of the U.S. players also have Rolex watches made in China.

The biggest problem for the Americans was the fact that they weren't receiving a paycheck for their lackluster efforts. Each American player receives, on average, $50 million dollars per second that they are on the court during the NBA (National Basketball Association) regular season. "Hey, I didn't know we were doing this for nothing," said LA Lakers forward Lamar Odom, "Even when we dog it at home, we still get the big bucks!"

Coach Brown plans to turn things around on Saturday evening. He hopes to raise the players' morale with a pre-game speech by the players' financial investment counselors. The counselors will be talking about the players' recent short-term portfolio gains.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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