Chelsea sign experienced masturbator

Funny story written by Alex Hinsley

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

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Chelsea have bolstered their ranks of money-grabbing, self-obsessed tossers by signing Yuri Zhirkov from CSKA Moscow.

Zhirkov - pronounced 'Jerk-off' - signed for £18 million, and Blues boss Carlo Ancelotti hopes that the player isn't a flop at Stamford Bridge.

"He is a great player; very hard, very strong. He has good technique and is very fast with the left or the right," the Chelsea manager said.

Zhirkov was recommended to the club's advisers by former boss Guus Hiddink, who is Zhirkov's manager at international level. "Both in the domestic and international game, Zhirkov is the best at what he does," said Hiddink.

Zhirkov will put pen to paper on a lucrative £80,000 a week deal at the club, and joins Chelsea officially on Thursday, before the Blues jet off to America for their pre-season tour of the United States, which includes games against Club America, Inter Milan and Ancelotti's former side; AC Milan.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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