UEFA President Michelle Platini has denied anti-English bias after Chelsea had five penalty appeals rejected during a stormy 1-1 draw at Stamford Bridge.
Shrugging enigmatically, Mms. Platini said: "Je ne regrette rien. Barcelona play beautiful football and mustn't be emasculated (sic?) by those 'orrible Chelsea thugs who believe tackling is acceptable. I never did such things when I was a player."
The Norwegian referee, who sought refuge in an ice bath at the final whistle, said he did not see the two stabbings and a serious sexual assault that occurred in the Barcelona box during the first half. "The football fairies told me that the wobbly men in blue lederhosen were not allowed to win, so I kept my magic mushroom in my pocket and evacuated the naughty step," said Eidur Retardssonnssonn, prior to his emergency admission to The Priory.
Mms. Platini squealed: "The Spanish are used to killing things when the odds are massively in their favour. Look at their matadors. It is only propre they fight the Mancs in the Final. F*** Chelsea and all les rosbifs.!"
Interim Chelsea manager Guus Hiddink responded, "I am not suggesting anything, but I know Michelle has 1.5 million Euros on Barca to win!"
UEFA will instruct Sir Armitage Shanks to conduct an independent review of the match officials' performance, despite Shanks's notorious belief that Charles Manson, Fred West and Joseph Stalin were all innocent.
Chelsea striker Didier Drogba, caught on camera screaming "It's a ****ing disgrace!", will escape official punishment, as he was apparently referring to the fact that his mobile phone was not fully charged.
Barcelona FC, caught queueing up at the cashpoint on North End Road, refused to comment.
