Written by matwil

Monday, 10 November 2008

image for England Pays Tribute To Its Football Hooligan Heroes
The Battle of Stamford Bridge fondly remember by old hooligan comrades

Ceremonies have taken place across England to remember its hooligans that lost their freedom in matches across vast areas of Europe.

Neds and yobbos from as far apart as Coventry, Exeter and Liverpool gathered at the centre of hooliganism in London - the FA Headquarters - to hear former casuals and gang leaders pay tribute to the sacrifices made by their former comrades.

Billy Smith, a Chelsea casual in the 80s, said: 'Kids now, they just don't know what it was like then. We wasn't just battling the French and the Kraut fans, we had to take on the cops too - and we still beat 'em all, right across Europe!' Another hero, Jim Braithwaite from Sheffield, also said: 'Once we were in the Continent we were unstoppable! France, Belgium, Holland, Sweden, there was hardly a jail in Western Europe without a few of our comrades banged up for the weekend, before getting the slap on the wrist of a deportation order! Great days, great times.'

Prime Minister Gordon Brown caused a surprise by appearing at the FA Headquarters, to say this: 'OK, I know I'm Scottish, but sometimes us British have to stick together, and watching England fans rampaging across the south of France and then showing the German cops who's the boss in Europe brought a tear to my eye - well, a tear gas tear, anyway. If anyone wants to buy some Wembley turf, just ask my associate 'Mad Jock' McGlinchie here.'

Meanwhile in Edinburgh, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond said: 'Although Scots hooligans have usually been quiet in Europe we made up for that in 1972, when Rangers fans not only fought the Spanish police and fans to a standstill in the Nou Camp, but also went on to destroy a large part of the centre of the city of Barcelona.' And as English hooligans quietly applauded this momentous achievement, 'Mad Jock' added: 'Anyone want tae make anything of it? No? Just as well!'

And then silence fell upon the Headquarters, as the Queen appeared on television. 'My husband and I would like to pay tribute to the countless English hooligans who have trashed and fought their way from Spain to Germany to Italy, without a thought for their own safety. From Heysel Stadium to the streets of Marseilles they have fought courageously, not only against the opposing fans but also against riot police and shopkeepers, against local fans and paramiliary forces, and all armed only with a few cans of super lager and some unwashed Union Jacks.' And Prince Phillip, in a characteristic aside, added: 'Well done, chaps, always fun to watch the garlic-munchers and the Nazis and the dagoes getting chased down the road by a bunch of beer-bellied skinheads, makes me proud to be British - only I'm not British, hahaha!'

And the Leader of the Opposition, David Cameron, said: 'Look, chaps, the time for England and Britain crowing about winning hooligan wars in Europe is surely now over, just as the time for the Conservative Party being a firm right-wing opposition to Labour is also now over. Oops.' A passing British Army general was heard to be muttering 'We could do with some hooligans in Iraq or Afghanistan right now, at this rate the Taleban will be taking over Stamford Bridge.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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