Speaking from inside the Yaoundé Intel Basketball Arena in the capitol city of Cameroon, a spokesman for the Baka pygmy tribe addressed a gathering of American sports writers. The following is the verbatim transcript taken at that meeting.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the sports world. My name is Rundakali. As you can see by my height, I am a member of the Baka Pygmy tribe. It has been our sad plight to read, over the years, about various African native athletes who have left our continent to pursue fame and riches playing basketball in America. The fact is that all of these athletes appear to be from the Watussi tribe, and/or their ilk. It is extremely disheartening. We feel that there is an inappropriate inclination for American basketball teams to seek out African athletes who are, primarily, tall of stature.
In view of the skewed equality equation that permeates the free world, it behooves me, as a representative of my Pygmy countrymen, to bring this unfair practice to your attention. For quite some time we have sent some of our finest pygmy basketball players to try out during the NBA open trials. Much to the dismay of our players, the NBA owners just looked down at us (excuse me…did I just hear some snickering?)
There is an obvious bias against players who are less than six feet tall. And, don't give me your spin about, Well, what about Spud Webb? Even though he was one of the shortest players of note in the NBA but he still towered over us. I won't even bother to bring up the issue regarding your ubiquitous Globe Trotters. I would not want to hang by my fingernails until I would ever see in the American newspapers, 'Come and see the Globetrotters exhibition, featuring Kamundi, the four foot-5 inch pygmy all star'. Give me a break!
We are not asking that you alter any physical structure of your basketball courts because of our size. I mean, as long as America is into this height thing, all we ever wanted was that some teams in the NBA should have, at least, one of our people on the roster. Did any of you watch our team practice earlier today? Can we dribble or can we dribble? Obviously, we would leave slam-dunkin' to the taller members of the team. Quite coincidentally, a short while ago a group of Christian missionaries came through our community. They noticed our basketball court and challenged us to a friendly pickup game. Even though they all were at least two to three feet taller than we were, we pretty much beat them on the rebounds. Which, I guess, goes to prove that old adage that even white missionaries can't jump.
Therefore, it is with a heavy heart that I bring this to your attention. Our local legal counsel has engaged the services of America's Mr. Al Sharpton, an individual we pygmies have always respected and looked up to. (Did I, again, detect snickering?) He will represent our case before the NBA. If rebuffed, then we shall pursue our cause through the American system of justice, to your Supreme Court, if necessary (Somehow, I feel we may have an ally in Judger Ruth Bader Ginsberg; she of petite frame). That is all I have to say on that issue. Thank you for coming.
On the way out of our arena, please be careful. I understand that, on the way in, some of you have already bumped your heads on the rims of our basketball hoops."
If any of you believe, as I do, that the teams of the NBA are discriminating against the Pygmies, then please forward this to your friends and associates. Hopefully, there will be an outcry to remedy this prejudicial and unfair practice. Thank you.
Jason Lichtenstein
