Written by Simon Cockle

Sunday, 1 June 2008

image for Chelsea appoint McCanns as joint managers
A rare photo of John Terry standing up

Chelsea FC announced today that Kate and Gerry McCann, parents of missing toddler Madeleine McCann, have been appointed as new joint managers of Chelsea. The surprise move has stunned the football world but the board of Chelsea FC have explained their motives.

Chief Executive Peter Kenyon said at a press conference yesterday 'Yes, they are an unknown quantity in terms of their football pedigree but they've shown time and again they can handle the press well.'

He went onto explain that the McCanns, who are currently classed as 'aguidos' (or 'self publicists' in Portuguese), were appointed on merit. 'You've only got to look at their record so far. Last season, they won £250,000 and only lost one.'

In other football news, David Beckham will lead England out as captain against Frimley Road Infants Under-8s in a vitally important friendly match tonight. 'We are very happy,' said manager Fabio Capello when told of the news that his pet dog, Vafanculo, had just died.

Gretna, who went into administration in the SPL this season, have been demoted to the Facebook Football Manager league #7564 where the team will be made up of 11 friends of Jonathon Davenport, a 19 year-old Mechanical Engineering student from Bath University.

Finally, FIFA have announced plans to limit the number of foreign teams playing in the Premier League to just 5.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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