Major League Baseball to Be Replaced

Funny story written by The Chris Graham

Friday, 28 March 2008

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Beginning next year, 2009, the period between the end of March to the beginning of October, for many Americans, will no longer be a time of merriment and great joy. In fact, it could be said that that time frame will be a time of loss, tears, and maybe even some severe cases of psychological depression.

America does not have a lot of originality to offer; most of our food originated in other countries, many of our musical styles, and nearly all of our sports. Baseball is one of the few things we as Americans can take pride in. It is a sport requiring precision, speed, cleats; the ability to catch balls; dead-on hand-eye coordination; and the occasional dose of steroids.

But this year--however sad, however shocking and abrupt--will be baseball's last.

"This issue," says baseball's Cheif Secretary Chairman's assistant to the Administer of the CEO's Presidential Treasurer, "has actually been privately debated among all of us at the MLB for the past two years or so, but ultimately it was the choice of Bud Selig [Commissioner for the MLB]."

Bud Selig, on a business trip in Chicago, was hounded by the Press for answers, but the only statement he made was this: "There are just too many players abusing steroids. I mean, don't get me wrong, steroids are great! But we can't have players being influenced by them during the games, and that's exactly what is happening, and it will keep on happening. [We have] no choice but to end Major League Baseball entirely."

All is not lost, however. Jerry Watz, a carpet salesman in Omaha, NE, has responded to the public's outcry to Selig's decision by forming the AWA, or the American Wiffleball Association.

"It's pretty much the same thing as baseball," he says, "but the field will be half the size of a baseball field, and instead of wooden or aluminum bats, the players for the AWA will use those skinny little plastic yellow bats. You know the ones. And of course baseballs won't be used, but wiffleballs."

For those who do not know of these "wiffleballs," it might be best explained this way: Grab a waffle. Now wad the waffle up into a ball in your hand. Look at the waffle. What you now hold is essentially a wiffleball, except the square holes of the waffle are circular, the solidness of the waffle is hollow, the color of the waffle is white, and the edibility of the waffle is gone--it's plastic.

As far as who will make up the official teams of the AWA, notices will be posted in the windows of carpet stores nationwide starting May 1, 2008, along with a list of the legal requirements of players and the phone number at which you may reach the offices of the AWA (which is currently Jerry Watz's mother's basement). The first 500 callers will get to meet Watz, enjoy his mother's baking, and briefly demonstrate their talent for wiffleball at the Phelps baseball diamond in Omaha.

Some guy from the streets of Manahattan, says, "I personally believe that wiffleball will greatly surpass baseball in popularity once the word gets spread around. It will be great."

Let's hope so, America. Let's hope so.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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