Clemens issues limited edition steroid denial

Funny story written by Steve Shives

Monday, 17 December 2007

Amidst a flurry of attention stemming from his inclusion in the Mitchell Report detailing steroid use in Major League Baseball, seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens released a one-page written denial of all charges made against him.

The denial is now available to members of the media, and baseball fans worldwide, for the low collector's price of $39.95.

Randy Hendricks, agent to Clemens, announced the release earlier this morning while speaking at a sports memorabilia convention held at the George Brown Convention Center in Clemens's hometown of Houston, Texas.

"Ever since the release of the Mitchell Report last week, the whole world has waited to hear Roger Clemens respond to the accusations made against him, of repeated illegal use of steroids to enhance his athletic performance," Hendricks told the crowd of reporters and sports card collectors. "Well, the wait is over. Roger Clemens has responded, and now that response can be yours, and at very low cost, I might add."

Contained in the one-page, typed and double-spaced denial is what Hendricks described as "a rational and logical refutation" of the allegations of steroid use directed at Clemens in the Mitchell Report. In the report, released for free to the public on December 13, former Clemens personal trainer Brian McNamee claims to have injected the 11-time All-Star with Winstrol (Stanozolol), a synthetic anabolic steroid also used by Rafael Palmeiro and, allegedly, Barry Bonds. The report also accuses Clemens of illegally using human growth hormone, Deca-Durobolin, Sustanon, and Anadrol between 1998 and 2001.

Hendricks explained to the audience that the Clemens denial would soon be made available for purchase at the website of the Roger Clemens Foundation, a non-profit organization founded by Clemens and his wife for the purpose of selling his memorabilia and coordinating events to honor him and his career. "But," Hendricks told those assembled this morning at the George Brown Convention Center, "Roger has decided to make his only genuine, authorized denial of the steroid charges available first to all of his great hometown fans right here in Houston, Texas, a full six hours before it goes live on the website!"

In addition to the basic denial, laser-printed on high quality white paper, reporters and collectors may also purchase the deluxe Roger Clemens 2007 Steroid Denial Collector's Edition, which features the one-page denial printed on heavy parchment in an attractively carved wooden frame, for $79.95, or either version with a genuine Clemens autograph for an additional $29.95. Hendricks stressed that all autographed editions of the denial include a certificate of authenticity with an individually numbered Rocket Man hologram.

The Roger Clemens 2007 Steroid Denial is currently #3 on the best sellers list at the website for the Roger Clemens Foundation, behind a signed baseball used by Clemens during the 1986 World Series, and a jar containing bowel movements Clemens collected during his Cy Young Award-winning 1997 season with the Toronto Blue Jays.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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