Historians are flooding to Old Trafford, the home of Manchester United Football Club, after manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, searching for evidence against rivals Chelsea, entered a long-untouched cave in the Judean Desert, and found jars filled with ancient scrolls. Sir Alex Ferguson claims that carbon-14 dating will establish that these date from the third century B.C. to 68 B.C, and will show how lucky Chelsea have been with referees over the years.
Sir Alex Ferguson: "There is plenty for me to talk about. I've got an ancient document full of details of Chelsea's luck with referees in my office if you want me to bring it out."
Chelsea manager and amateur historian, Jose Mourinho, who claims to have discovered his own Dead Sea scrolls showing Manchester United's luck with referees, was quick to counter Sir. Alex's claim.
"His discovery will only serve to re-establish my Dead Sea scrolls as the genuine article."
Sir Alex Ferguson: "I think Jose should button his lip. He has come out with some stuff. Now he's on about his Dead Sea scrolls, and, God, I think he is the last person who should talk about the Dead Sea scrolls."
Sir Alex's scrolls documenting Chelsea's luck with referees are indeed ancient, coming from the late Second Temple Period, a time when Jesus of Nazareth lived. It is older than any other surviving biblical manuscript by almost one thousand years, and clearly shows that Chelsea have always been awarded late winners well after normal time, and have never had a penalty awarded against them at Stamford Bridge. That's one in the eye for Jose.