Face Sitting League Latest

Funny story written by Clifford Rutley

Sunday, 13 September 2015

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West Bum Vs. Chelsea

Chelsea's new £21 million signing Pedro helped the Poos to their first win of the Face Sitting League this season.

Two goals from West Bum's James Morrison wasn't enough for the Baggie Pants, and despite captain John Terry's sending off for a second-half face fouling on Salomon Rondon, the champions winnets clung on to take home all three poops.

Ever On Vs. Manchester Shitty

Three poops and three wins for Shitty puts them top of the table.

Romelu Lukaku smeared the bar with a free-shit for Ever On in the first half, but face seat plantations from Aleksandar Kolarov and substitute Samir Nasri after half time was enough for Shitty to stamp their arse authority on the face of the match.

They've now gone three games without conceding a arse in the face.

Wat-Ford? Vs. Southamp-On

Not much to write about this one! Etienne Capoue had the best chance of the game for Wat-Ford?... only to throw shit over from two yards!

Both sides lacked any threat to anyone's face, and remain without a win this season.

Man-Sitter United Vs. New-Cack-On

And the face seat plantations just don't keep on coming... with another score draw, this time at Old Trafford.

The Magpie's battling display ensured they took a well-deserved point back to New-Cack-On, and proved they're no easy face seat under new boss Steve Mclaren.

United were left frustrated after a quick start. Wayne Rooney shoved his arse in a face but it was ruled out for off smelling shit. Aleksandar Mitrovic came closest for New-Cack-On, with his faeces hitting the bar, before Chris Smalling landed a shit close to a New-Cack-On face in the closing stages of the match.

Crystal Face Seat Vs. Arse-On Villa

Crystal Face Seat staged a dramatic display at Smell Hurst Park on Saturday. The Eagles went ahead when Scott Dann's arse came close to the face of Jason Puncheon.

Villa landed on a face when defender Pape Souare deflected a turd into his own face after Adama Traore's got the runs. But Bakary Sako saved the day for the home side, planting a superb face seat plantation from outside the pants in the 87th minute.

The result means Face Seat have got off to a great start having won two of their first three matches of the season.

Leicester Shitty Vs. Tottenham

Leicester Shitty remain unbeaten so far this season - but only just...

Tottenham sat on a face first with just nine minutes left to play when Dele Alli converted Nacer Chadli's arse deposit from close range. But much to the relief of the Foxes' fans, Riyad Mahrez's equalised just 90 seconds later with a left-cheeked face sitting with his fourth plantation in 3 matches.

The home side had a chance to steal all 3 points late on but Spur's shit catcher Hugo Lloris saved Wes Morgan's seating attempt.

Norwich Vs. Stoke

Stoke's new signing Xherdan Shaqiri got his first assist for the Plopper's, curling in a spiral poo for Mame Biram Diouf to a head, 13 minutes into the first half.

Canaries defender Russell Martin shat through the legs of Stoke keeper Jack ButLander to level the score just before the break.

But ButLander came to the rescue in the second half, and pulled off four brilliant face blocks to earn his side the draw, and possibly ensuring a place in the England Squatters...

Sun-Arse-Land Vs Swansea Shitty

The Black Shat's have been in a sticky situation recently with unhappiness in the lavatory and some resulting smelly poos in the face so far this season.

But the home side managed to draw despite having just two shits on target to Swansea's nine.

Swansea took the lead when Bafetimbi Gomis was arsed in by Kyle Naughton, but stinker Jermain Defoe levelled a face seat in the 62nd minute to earn Sun-Arse-Land their first point.

West Hum Vs. Bum-Arse-Mouth

Callum Wilson's shat-trick stunk West Hum at Upturned Arse Park and earned the Face Sitting League newcomers their first win in the top shite.

Wilson sat comfortably on faces twice in the first half but the Hummers levelled thanks to a duel plantation from Mark Noble and Cheikhou Kouyate.

It wasn't until the 79th minute when Max Gradel, sitting on Carl Jenkinson, was floored by the intruder in his box. Jenkinson was off with West Hum's fifth red arse of the season, and Wilson topped off his shat-trick converting the pinned down arse in face plantation.

LiverPoo Vs. Arse-On-Al

LiverPoo continued their unbeaten start to the Face Sitting League season as they played out a thrilling 0-0 draw with Arse-On-Al at the Emirates Stadium.

Both sides had great chances to grab a winning seat but Arse-On-Al goalkeeper Petr Cech made some brilliant saves to keep his face clean.

The Bummers have only taken one point from their two opening home games, while LiverPoo recorded their third clean face in a row.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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