Red Sox Fete Mario Rivera with Gifts of the Magi

Funny story written by Ossurworld

Monday, 16 September 2013

Mario Rivera found himself honored by the Red Sox before they swept the Yankees in an embarrassing September song.

For beating the Sox for twenty years with aplomb and style, the grateful Red Sox sent their Yankee-loving Big Papi to bestow a few cheesy gifts on the pinstripe future Hall of Famer.

Forget myrrh, incense, and frankincense. Any gold was plated.
Rivera has been on a farewell tour of the American League, collecting loot. Most of it will soon appear on eBay for a bargain price.

The Red Sox, known for their creativity and public relations savvy, went to the notions counter to find their lovely gratuities to praise Mario Rivera.

You'd think they'd come to bury him, but he was not able to appear in a game during the series-which meant the Yankees were the ones buried.

Ever classy, the Red Sox had a cello quartet play the pop hit, "Sandman," as a sign of respect. You were expecting Wagnerian strains of death theme from Tristan and Iseult?

Rivera had to admit the toast to his career was more like a roast of his career. The Sox bestowed Rivera with a lifetime order of Fenway Franks (presuming he will never again show up at Fenway).

The Sox handed him a chunk of rubber from the visiting bullpen where Rivera sat in cold and rainy weather more than once. The rubber was about to be recycled, but the Sox found a better use for it.

David Ortiz seemed to be the true master of ceremony and gave the native Panamanian a Panama hat made of imitation straw.

Perhaps the greatest gift was a portrait, done in the style of Gilbert Stuart, making Rivera look like the farmer out of "American Gothic."

Our favorite present was the gift of chain link fence, enough to keep out Red Sox fans from bothering him ever again.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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