Geoffrey Boycott's mother selected for 5th Ashes test

Written by tennisman

Saturday, 10 August 2013

image for Geoffrey Boycott's mother selected for 5th Ashes test
Mrs B's Yorkshire puddings

Well finally, the England cricket selectors have listened.

In a surprise announcement today, it has been revealed that Mrs Boycott, better known to the cricketing world as 'my mum' from son Geoffrey's constant referral to her, will make her England debut in the 5th Test match at the Oval in a few days time.

For years, top ex international Boycott has reacted in his commentaries to poor play, especially bad bowling, by informing TV viewers and radio listeners that 'my mum could score runs off that bowling'.

Well now, she's going to get her chance. With all the recent talk about the Spirit of Cricket, now, 'the Spirit of Mrs B' will be utilised to help England in their Ashes battle.

Although Jane Boycott (or her spirit) is in the England set-up for cricketing reasons, team England will utilise here abilities in the area of food and drink.

It is her speciality in West Yorkshire rhubarb dishes that Andy Flower is seeking to reap some benefit for his players.

Mrs B. has been selected for the Oval Test as the fayre at the home of Sir Jack Hobbs, Douglas Jardine and the Bedser twins is regarded as being of the more effete 'Southern softy' variety like paninis and lattes.

The sports science thinking from the 11 nutritionists in the England backroom staff (one per player in each match) is that some more robust Northern grub provided 'a la JB' will strengthen the side in preparation for the second half of the Ashes Test encounters to be held down under in a few months time.

Recipes will be provided through rhubarb workshops held at the end of each day's play, lead by Geoffrey himself, who will co-ordinate proceedings and translate all West Yorkshire terminology for the Oval tea ladies.

The authorities have denied that these sessions will be available in post match podcasts although it has been suggested that Nigel Slater will use the dishes as the basis for a new series of his TV cooking programmes in which his kitchen and herb garden will be transported to the village of Fitwilliam and he will cook up all Mrs Boycott's dishes while wearing the kit of former Yorkshire greats, including Maurice Leyland's box and Brian Close's jock strap.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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