Ryder Cup Security Concerns

Funny story written by Billy Bureaucrat

Sunday, 27 August 2006

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Irish Look Forward To Ryder Cup

DUBLIN (Reuters) - Spectators at next month's Ryder Cup will be banned from carrying mobile rocket launchers, organisers have confirmed.

The stringent checks come in the light of renewed security concerns amid the latest terrorist threats.

Some 40,000 golf fans are expected to attend each day of the 36th Ryder Cup tournament between Europe and the United States from September 22-24, amid tight competition restrictions and even tighter security.

American fans set to attend the tournament at the K Club in Kildare, 15 miles South Of Dublin, have been warned to expect some disruption during entry to the Biennial US v Europe event.

All non-Americans will be subject to extra security checks on passports, birth certificates and school reports.

It has been confirmed that those with double barrelled surnames will be denied entry to allay fears of a rumoured demonstration by British Animal Rights protestors.

Irish Government Officials have declared "a blanket ban on all known terrorist accessories including, iPod triggered aerosols, GPS powered toothpaste and CFC constructed hairstyles for the duration of the tournament"

"This decision was taken to ensure that the matches take place without the risk of a cosmetic meltdown which it is thought would cause disturbance to the players."

The Official did provide some comfort to visiting American fans by adding "that automatic weapons would be permitted on practice days, September 19-21 assuming patrons could demonstrate paid-up membership to the National Riflemen's Association (NRA)"

This concession would not be allowed for match days unless the weapon could be certified as a genuine product of Israeli origin.

A complete list of permitted side arms is expected to be finalised with the agreement of NRA Officials although it is anticipated that that all Long Armed Putters will be excluded.

Irish media reports have said that a no-fly zone will be in operation above the course for the duration of the event, this is despite the fact that the Irish Air Corps has recently suffered a 50% reduction in operational capability.

A Defence Ministry Official has however confirmed "that both remaining Cessna 172's are will be available for aerial defence, surveillance, attack and courtesy trips, in no particular order but definitely not together.

This correspondent is delighted to report that Dublin Taxi Drivers have committed to ensure no disruption to the event and their customary fleet of Donkey and Carts will be made available to provide a true Irish experience, the charge of 30 Euro per metre will give a more realistic feel to the journey.

A European PGA source has predicted a hassle free event and reminded all real golf fans that some tickets were still available at a discounted charge of 35,000 euros ($44,920) for practice days to 130,000 euros for the final Sunday.

Local Irish Rip Off Merchants are eagerly awaiting the event, which is expected to generate more than 255 Billion euros for the local economy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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