Bidney Sollocks vs Cockinch-Smalls battle for Commonwealth Spoofing Championship

Funny story written by Inchcock

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

image for Bidney Sollocks vs Cockinch-Smalls battle for Commonwealth Spoofing Championship
Training in readiness for the contest. Referee Lynton Tetley that is, not the fighters!

While the Amir Khan vs Danny Garcia, and David Haye vs Dereck Chisora fights were capturing the attention of the pugalist's world, an unnoticed World Championship match was under-way in the Mediterranean.

Bidney Sollocks (56 but looks younger) from Sidney Australia, and Cockinch Smalls (67 but looks older) from Nottingham, England, boxed last night, for the Commonwealth Heavyweight Spoofing Championship title.

The contest was licensed by the Lithuanian Boxing Federation Board, and was held on board a Barbary Coast pirate boat in the Mediterranean, considered to be a neutral venue.

Tale of The Tape:

Weight: Bidney Sollocks, 13st 2lb - Cockinch Smalls, 15st 91b

Height: Bidney Sollocks, 5ft 11inch - Cockinch Smalls, 5ft 2inch

Reach: Bidney Sollocks, 71inch - Cockinch Smalls, 51inch

Stance: Bidney Sollocks, Orthodox - Cockinch Smalls, - Wobbly

Neck: Bidney Sollocks, 14"- Cockinch Smalls, Dirty

Fists: Bidney Sollocks, Fast, 13" - Cockinch Smalls, Arthritic, 9"

Waist: Bidney Sollocks, 38" - Cockinch, Smalls 48"

Chest N/X: Bidney Sollocks, 46/52" - Cockinch Smalls, 54/54¼"

Biceps N/X: Bidney Sollocks, 14¾"/16¼" - Cockinch Smalls, 15st 91b

Thigh: Bidney Sollocks, an attractive 29" - Cockinch, Impetigo covered 17"

Waist: Bidney Sollocks, 38" - Cockinch, Smalls 48"

Record: Bidney Sollocks W:3 D:1 L:1, & Frank Ifield's Wayward Wind - Cockinch Smalls W:0 D:0 L:5, and Acker Bilk's Buona Sera

The match was refereed by French resident and Aesthetic & Medical Equipment Ltd's Director, Dean and Senior Lecturer at the Ecole Normale Superieure de Paris, Lynton Tetley MBA, MS, Ph.D.

The judges were S Koob (who fell asleep and spilt his lager), R Addiogagger (Who was listening on his earphones to the football reports throughout) and Jo Jag (who was selling Viagra and Magic Mushrooms throughout).

The timekeeper was A Bell, from the USA.

Cockinch was helped into the ring first, he abandoned his zimmer frame as the applause from the tape recorder rang out - rising to his full 5ft 2in, and remaining perfectly still for a couple of minutes while the flab settled.

His second, Jolonel Cuan removed Cockinch Smalls's hearing aids and glasses, apologised for wearing them, and guided him to the centre of the ring, as the other side of the applause tape was played for the entry of Sollocks took place.

Sollocks, looking menacing, hiccuped and stood facing Cockinch knee to head, he looked down at him, and muttered something with a cunning smile of satisfaction - waste of time really, cause Cockinch hadn't got his hearing aids in, his head was about 3ft below Sollocks thus eliminating the chance for Cockinch to lip-read, not that he could have done that without his glasses on either.

The bell for the first round sounded (A Bell had dropped it on the floor), and the two titans limped towards each other, meeting in the centre of the ring as the bell for the end of the round sounded.

The bell for the second round had to be delayed while the fighters got back to their corners, giving A Bell time to nip to the men's room. He returned and sounded the bell once again.

The gladiators made straight for each other, no messing about this time, Sollocks threw a wild right hook, that just failed to connect by about two-foot - but was enough for the wind from it to floor Cockinch for a count of seven, when Sollocks tried to help him up, and they both fell in a heap on the canvas, as the bell sounded to end the round.

They returned to their corners, being met half way by their seconds with their medications.

A Bell had fallen asleep now, and referee Lynton Tetley had nipped off to make a cup of tea!

The contenders got some help to get of out of the ring, and went off together linking arm in arm (Arm in Arm was not happy about that), Sollocks giving Cockinch a lift on his disabled scooter back to the changing rooms, and they both had a dish of goulash and baked beans.

It was agreed between them not to bother having a return match.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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