Stop Andrea Pirlo And It's Italian Job Done Says Martin Shuttlecock

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 24 June 2012

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A Totally Unoriginal Caption As England Prepare To Fold Against The Pizza Boys

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock has added his negligible weight to the pre-match analysis ahead of tonight's Italy v England Euro 2012 quarter final clash in Kiev.

Relaxing quietly at his Titchfield home, sipping a cold one and sparking his thirtieth roll-up of the day, Shuttlecock opined that if England can 'put the guns on' Italy's midfield playmaker, 33 year old Andrea Pirlo, then it'll be an Italian job done.

Pirlo, the Juventus legend hit the headlines in this morning's redtops by labelling England's midfield as 'crap.'

"That's fair comment," Shuttlecock sighed. "England aren't really that much cop. They haven't beaten any of football's top dogs since they beat Argentina ten years ago, but with the likes of Rooney and Gerrard in the side, there's always a chance.

"I reckon the key to an England victory depends on the lads getting stuck into Andrea Pirlo and giving him a seriously good kicking. It doesn't matter how good the Italian forwards are - if our lads knock seven shades of shite out of Pirlo, there'll be no link up between their back four and the strikers. I reckon that if the lads really get to him, he'll fold into a slathering heap like a girl. He even has a girl's name. Says it all really.

"We'll definitely get Balotelli red-carded, because quite frankly, the lad's a bit of a head the ball. I would imagine Roy Hodgson will order Ashley Cole to set about Balotelli - Cole is probably the most irritating little shit in the game, so the way I see it, Balotelli is bound to end up taking a pop at him. I know I would."

Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, opined that England will probably lose, but she hopes not, because she's looking forward to seeing England go head to head with the Germans in the semi-final.

"Where they'll probably get stuffed in a penalty shoot-out, as usual," she said. "I don't much care for the Germans. Admittedly, they gave us the Royal Family, but other than that, they haven't exactly been our bezzie mates over the years."

More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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