Calling for Paper Bags for Red Sox Players, not Fans

Funny story written by Ossurworld

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Changes on the Red Sox are occurring faster than we can keep up with them.

The pitcher with some of the worst statistics in the American League is the skinny young hotshot of the Sox pitching staff, Clay Buchholz.

Having long been given safe harbor by the notorious Theo Epstein Protection Program, the Red Sox for years have declined to trade him or part with him for a moment.

Clay was the great hope of the future, though at 27, his future as a flopperoo seems fairly well set. Lately and again, his free spirit and rebel boy attitude sided him with Josh Beckett.

He recently joined his fellow Texan in a round of controversial golf on a day-off. He has been the greatest advocate of chicken wings and beer in the clubhouse outside of his mentor Beckett.

Now, however, the noose has grown tighter, and Buchholz on Friday night gave his best pitching performance of the season-if you consider giving up eight hits in 6.1 innings a success. It was an improvement.

Buchholz did lower his ERA to 8.3 with this outing, which should give GM Ben Cherington an opportunity to suck on more oxygen from his nearby tank before he passes out.

The change in Buchholz was monumental in one regard. He cut off his locks. No, he has not gone the route of Tom Brady with a hairdo shaped by Edward Scissorhands.

Clay has done a Samson cut. His wild flowing hair, greasy and free, has been chopped from good old boy status (who think rock stars of 1974 were cool) to Ozark trim deluxe.

Shorn of his unruly hair, he was able to pitch well enough to keep his head as King John Henry VIII was looking for a chopping block.

Clay's missing hair showed up on his reliever Andrew Miller. The reliever seems to have pasted that hair onto his face in an effort to win the Johnny Damon (in 2004) lookalike contest.

At this point, Red Sox fans may want to add paper bags to the players' uniforms instead of wearing them.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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