Braun Cites Superior Masculinity as Cause of Elevated Testosterone

Written by Steven Fitzwilliam

Friday, 24 February 2012

It was announced Thursday that Ryan Braun's 50-game suspension was overturned by baseball arbitrator Shyam Das. This marks the first time in MLB history that any player has successfully appealed a drug related suspension.

Braun tested positive for elevated testosterone back in October, but remained adamant that performance enhancing drugs were not the cause even after the results were revealed in December.

After the conclusion was reached, Braun stated, "I knew there was a rational explanation for my high level of testosterone, and even though I was forced to appeal, I was confident that the panel would see reason. They definitely came to the best verdict. To put it simply, I'm more of a man than you are."

After realizing their mistake, the MLB released this formal apology to the National League MVP.

"We want to sincerely apologize for this embarrassing mistake. Although we completely stand by our strict drug testing policy, we are sorry that we had to unnecessarily drag an outstanding athlete like Ryan Braun through such a lengthy and inefficient process. After further analysis, it was obvious how much of a man Ryan Braun really was, and it made sense why his testosterone was so incredibly high."

They went on to say, "However, in our defense, you normally only see such elevated testosterone levels in men who play real sports like football or basketball."

None of Braun's teammates seemed surprised with the conclusion, also referring to his uber manliness. Second baseman, Rickie Weeks claimed, "Sometimes it's even hard to perform in his presence. He puts us all to shame. Lets just say no one ever wants to shower next to him"

The successful appeal means that Braun will not have to miss the 50 games he was originally meant to miss, and the Milwaukee fan base is ecstatic.

When asked about Braun's impact on the team, Mike Babbitt, a local Brewers fans, said, "I can't really speak to the impact he has on the team, I'm just grateful I get to see him play this year. It would be a shame if we had to watch 50 Brewers games without him. He is just so incredibly manly and athletic. Although, to be fair, my only frame of reference is Prince Fielder."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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