Written by heidiburgle

Monday, 17 October 2011

QPR's newly reintroduced club mascot, Jude the Cat, has gone into hiding after claims by Neil Warnock the moggy divulged top secret information to Blackburn manager Steve Kean.

"I had the subs warming up at the break, knowing Steve Kean and his players were out of sight in their changing room. I wanted to change things around, but obviously wanted to keep my intentions secret," said Warnock.

"When I came out of our dressing room after half time, I saw Jude the Cat chatting to Kean in the corridor. I thought nothing of it at the time, but after we failed to beat Blackburn, I realised Jude was obviously giving him a few hints that Adel Taarabt would be introduced at some point in the second half, having seen him warm up at half time whilst he out being Mr Jolly Bollocks with the kids at the front of the stands.

"It's disappointing that a so-called mascot leaks confidential information about the team seconds before the re-start. I can't get my head around this, he didn't do us any favours.

"Ever since he's returned, I've had my doubts about his motives. You all saw that cat on the pitch during the Newcastle game, right? It came from the Loft end, and I heard it told their 'keeper to stay on his line at corners as Adel always hits them long. He must have been one of Jude's off springs. If I ever get hold of it, I'll send him to a Chinese restaurant and tell them to throw it in the pot with the lobsters.

"Steve Kean gained such an advantage over us in the second half, it's untrue. Of course he denied it. Also, I heard him say to Jamie Mackie 'break a leg' before the game. That's what he said last time we played Blackburn, and looked what happened then.

"Still, I wish no hard feelings to Steve. I wished him a safe drive home after the game, but he gave me a dirty look for some reason."

When some of the players were approached on the subject of Jude being a 'Chelsea insider', none could back up Warnock's claims. "How would I know anything about it," said Shaun Derry. "I've not been near a pussy for years."

Spark the Tiger, QPR's other mascot, reckons the writing is on the wall for Jude. "My nose has been pushed out since he's come back. The kids always used to love me, now they can't get enough of that pissing cat. I'm left scratching my arse a lot of the time. There's no room for both of us, and if Neil wants him taken out, I'd gladly do it for a leg of meat."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: QPR

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