There were 60 spoof news snippets published in May 2021. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
The Origin of Fruitcake
Factoid from the Music Channel on Cable: “Fruitcake originated in Egypt and was intended for the afterlife.”
That explains a lot.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 26 May 2021
Bill Gates Files For Divorce From His Cheating Wife, Melinda...
...after catching her using a Commodore-64 computer.
written by Stefano M. Stefano, 05 May 2021
Pandemic Change Showering Habits And Showering Less Is New Fad
Few are only possible bath less since pandemic if you're pH as to your cinnamon flavor toothpaste or if you're in a workplace to shower less.
written by michelesc, 07 May 2021
New Porn Movie named after Fenway Park's "Pesky Pole"
Big J's FilmCo debuts its latest film in sticky theaters this weekend. The Pesky Pole, named after Fenway's right field foul pole stars "Lucky" grandson of the late great Sox shortstop, Johnny Pesky.
written by Earthvessel, 11 May 2021
Trump can't recall naming new capital of Israel
Asked about his "historic decision in Israel" naming Jerusalem its new capital, it was evident Trump couldn't recall anything about it, and summed it up by saying "well, as long as the check cleared"
written by Earthvessel, 11 May 2021
Mask-wearing man is hit by SUV crossing highway; he's maimed and angry
Joe Tosh was hurled 40 feet after being hit by 2.5 ton SUV today. His wife claims Joe was overconfident due to the fact he wore both the FFP2 & N95 masks. Says they both are disappointed in Dr. Fauci
written by Earthvessel, 11 May 2021
80 Years later, US liberals warming up to Hitler!
Recent polling shows that today's US liberals' preferences on social order and governing style are increasingly aligning with that of Adolph Hitler's NAZI party in 1930s-40s Germany. Stay tuned!
written by Earthvessel, 12 May 2021
Belichick reveals he'd be a stand up comic if not for football
Belichick told reporters he was about to become a comic on the Boston scene when he landed his NFL job. For his act he did zany impersonations, wore funny hats and inflated surgical gloves on his head
written by Earthvessel, 12 May 2021
Jagger in ICU pleads for help but staff thinks he's performing
Reports say Mick is at St Thomas' Hospital with an unknown malady. In a semi-conscious state last evening, he cried out for help but orderlies thought he was singing "Sister Morphine" Full story
written by Earthvessel, 12 May 2021
Jagger in ICU pleas for help but staff thinks he's performing
Suffering from an unknown malady, Mick was in a semi-conscious state last evening and apparently called for help but orderlies thought he was singing "Sister Morphine', crowded around him for a show
written by Earthvessel, 12 May 2021
Brexit Named: Fake News
Recently, Brexit has been overlooked, and it is revisited now by scientists. We have realised that the country cannot physically move from the EU, therefore it will always be placed in Europe.
written by YTRedIsEvil, 12 May 2021
Eric Trump: Dad thinks he can take Putin if he has to fight him
Eric told a good friend recently that his father talks about Putin “all the time” and apparently he contemplates a scenario in which they might duke it out. Eric added " No way is Dad afraid of him!"
written by Earthvessel, 12 May 2021
Aggrieved seagulls go on the attack, gripe they're most under appreciated birds on Earth
Animal psychic Howie Smith was violently attacked by a flock of seagulls after extended discourse with the birds. They are demanding that "humans recognize and acknowledge" them for their "greatness"
written by Earthvessel, 12 May 2021
Putin hears of Trump's bravado; Trump now in hiding
Reports of Eric Trump's stories about his dad's boasts reached the office of Vladimir Putin today. After a brief period of chaos at Mar-a-Lago this evening, sources say Trump will be away indefinitely
written by Earthvessel, 13 May 2021
McCarthy forgets about his Bossman's opinion on 2020 election
Asked about the ouster of Liz Cheney, GOP minority leader Keven McCarthy said “I don’t think anyone questions the validity of the 2020 election” when we asked “what about Trump?” He said “oh yeah...”
written by Earthvessel, 13 May 2021
Old woman calls police to report violent WWWF match on TV
Police called to an NYC home last night found an upset elderly woman. Ms,Ida Karos, who is visiting family, has lived in a remote Greek village her entire life. She was upset by a TV wrestling match
written by Earthvessel, 13 May 2021
Government launches new war on drugs. Tagline: "Drugs? Not cool man!"
The FDA and DHS have joined forces to launch a new phase in the War on Drugs. They employed an elite cadre of consultants who came up with the smart slogan, sure to work: Drugs? NOT Cool ma!
written by Earthvessel, 13 May 2021
Breaking: Honey Boo Boo has a stuffy nose
The star of reality show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo spent the day in "mild to moderate discomfort" due to a minor physical abnormality causing higher than normal mucus production. Updates to follow
written by Earthvessel, 14 May 2021
Man named Dick Johnson says "I cant believe my luck!"
Gas Station manager Richard "Dick" Johnson believes he's very lucky to have been given what he calls a "double-barreled name". Dick feels his name accounts for his extraordinary luck with the ladies!
written by Earthvessel, 14 May 2021
The "Old Lady" is named the most underrated threat to men for the 12th straight year
Jim Silk, CEO of PCKR: "We think about old women as meek, frail little people who are just trying to get by. What we overlook is it is in fact a Woman. One that's been around and has honed her skills!
written by Earthvessel, 14 May 2021
Stay The Night At Late Comedian $38M NYC Penthouse And Tell Us If It's Haunted
Some are only possible if you're a real estate agent ask New Yorkers to stay the night or if you're in a deal to purchase whether to open as a comedy trial as sign up for a drug trial to earn money.
written by michelesc, 15 May 2021
Angry Baltimore man demands chance to run in the Preakness
New racing fan Harry Coleman, 42 of Baltimore wants it known he's been denied entry to the Preakness. Coleman, who admits he has never won a footrace, believes he has the right to run if he so desires
written by Earthvessel, 15 May 2021
World peace rally protestor knocked unconscious for not wearing a mask
An unidentified protestor at the Eastham World Peace Rally was rush to the hospital after being knocked unconscious. The attacker later said "If he comes back here without a mask I'll do it again!"
written by Earthvessel, 15 May 2021
Shark Tank’s Kevin O’leary loses eye in new product snafu
Mr. Wonderful was demoted Friday when an inventor's popcorn maker shot four scalding kernels into his right eye. O’leary seemed interested & tried getting a closer look at the product when shots fired
written by Earthvessel, 15 May 2021
Magilla Gorrila arrested for vagrancy in Los Angeles
Beloved 60s childrens star Magilla Gorilla was found in an alley unconscious by police last night. Reportedly the luckless ape has been sobbing wandering the area panhandling while drinking cheap wine
written by Earthvessel, 15 May 2021
Black man found unconscious, shot by Detroit police then sent to hospital
A middle-aged black man suffering from diabetes passed out on downtown Detroit's Woodward Ave.yesterday. Police shot the man then sent him to the hospital. Police said shooting was routine protocol.
written by Earthvessel, 15 May 2021
Man & cat plan to wed. Man says "Never been happier!" Cat staying mum
Jack Bates 32, of Plaistow, NH admits it was love at first with his cat Preet. He's elated that she's consented to wed. Preet seems content but has not yet spoken on this-or any other topic.Stay tuned
written by Earthvessel, 15 May 2021
All Americans now being closely monitored. More to follow
The NSA today confirmed it monitors every move of every US citizen. No word yet from citizens themselves except for one YouTuber who plans a "kickass" video. Asked for comment, he said "Just wait!"
written by Earthvessel, 15 May 2021
Geddy Lee's nose inducted into Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
Rush front man Geddy Lee admits he would not be where he is today if not for his big nose. Fans know it's because of its size that Geddy's schnoz enables him to play three instruments simultaneously
written by Earthvessel, 15 May 2021
Female is spotted at Rush concert, thought it was Little Feat
Jill Burk was surrounded by 18,000 men at last night's show. When asked, she said "all the guys were really polite and considerate." She told us she'd mistaken Rush for American rock band Little Feat.
written by Earthvessel, 15 May 2021
Old captain names his tug boat after Robert Kraft
Tim Bowman has been a happy tug boat skipper 40 years and a life long fan of the NE Patriots. He's decided to merge his two great loves by naming his tug boat after "everyone's favorite billionaire"
written by Earthvessel, 16 May 2021
Gay clowns still stigmatized by John Wayne Gacy
John W. Gacy liked to dress as a clown, have sex with men then murder them. Unfortunately for gay clowns who mean no harm, people can't help but think of Gacy any time they encounter a gay clown
written by Earthvessel, 16 May 2021
Tom Cruise Protests Lack Of Diversity In Golden Globes Awards By Returning His Three Statues...
...Oh, sorry, correction, he returned three G.I. Joe action figures.
written by Stefano M. Stefano, 16 May 2021
NFL considers discontinuing mentally challenged officials
We know the NFL as a most compassionate operation. So the move to remove its current officials, known to be mentally challenged is tough. The refs were hired as a kind gesture toward the handicapped
written by Earthvessel, 16 May 2021
Lid is blown off the "Science is Real" movement
Self described "lowbrowmun" learned enough science in the past year to determine the "pro-science" movement is actually a conspiracy involving a cadre of "dorks" led by the evil, diminutive Dr. Fauci
written by Earthvessel, 16 May 2021
Expression "Mad as a hatter" is outlawed in the U.S.
After careful deliberation & emotional argument on both sides, US Congress voted to outlaw this expression. The clinching argument: The saying stereotypes hatters who, some say, may not all be crazy
written by Earthvessel, 16 May 2021
Infatuated man admits: I'm only in it for the boobage!
Begging that he remain anonymous, a Lynn man admitted that his obsession with British Youtube star Toyah is essentially due to her large and supple breasts. He added "human boobs are my favorite!"
written by Earthvessel, 17 May 2021
Survey: Most kids shocked to learn cameras were once used to take pictures of other people
In a recent Gallup poll only 29% of kids under 25 knew cameras were once used primarily to take pictures of other people (non-selfies). 16% said they never thought about taking shots of other people
written by Earthvessel, 17 May 2021
Fenway fan tradition of singing Sweet Caroline initiated by a Hollywood plot
An upcoming feature reveals that a tradition in which fans sing Neil Diamond song Sweet Caroline after the 7th inning at Fenway came is a result of a devious Hollywood plot. Details forthcoming soon
written by Earthvessel, 17 May 2021
Science believers become deniers after CDC says "no more masks"
Crowds of concerned citizens swarmed their town centers Friday to harass and bully people not wearing masks. One woman was heard screaming: "They've no right to lift the order! We're in great danger!"
written by Earthvessel, 18 May 2021
Maskless man beaten senseless by Concord, MA moms & daughters
Ash Wilbur, professor of History at BU is in stable condition in a local ICU after he was badly beaten by a swelling, angry group of do-good moms and their daughters roving the streets of Concord, MA
written by Earthvessel, 18 May 2021
New law makes it OK to attack anyone who says "Powers that be"
A once popular expression has in recent years, been losing favor, and now, sadly is prohibited by law. Anyone using the term "powers that be" is prone to receive a legal and severe beating on the spot
written by Earthvessel, 18 May 2021
Experts divided on definition of "Numbnuts"
Two factions have formed in a debate over a beloved term. A group known as the Rockers say Numbnuts is "just an idiot". But the Mods say it's one with dead testicles, who is dull &unable to reproduce
written by Earthvessel, 18 May 2021
Bill Gates accused of sexual harassment
Accuser says, "He tried to sleep with me. But then I found out why he named his company MicroSoft."
written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface, 18 May 2021
Officials find a trend: People "shelter-in-place' at home every night
Scientists recently discovered an interesting trend. People around the world tend to enter their homes & shelter-in-place regularly at each day's end! They'll continue to monitor this situation for us
written by Earthvessel, 18 May 2021
World War III
China accuses India of nicking their virus!
written by unknown
Boris Johnson does a 'Pontius Pilatus!'
In a desperate attempt to blame anybody else but himself, Boris Johnson washed his hands of all responsibility and blamed the Indian owners of Jaguar for importing yet another mutation into the UK!
written by unknown
Ole Solskjaer blames protesting United fans for the teams demise!
In a desperate attempt to blame anybody but himself, Solskjaer told tabloids protesting United fans disturbed his lullabying as his players, sucking thumbs and dummies, attempted to get some kip!
written by unknown
Biden turns into a 'butthole!'
In a desperate attempt to get some tabloid/satirical attention, Biden has told his PR team to turn him into a 'Butthole!' Trump is suing him for plagiarism!
written by unknown
Jaggedone turns 70 and blames God!
Infamous spoofer, Jaggedone turned 70 and told God to F himself for creating humans not in his image! Instead he turns humans into grumpy old bastards!
written by unknown
Youngster declares his yard would be bigger if not for his house
Tom Burns caught lots of flak today from pals. "I guess it was just my my day" he mused. He finally cracked when a bully ridiculed his back yard, declaring it would be lots bigger if not for his house
written by Earthvessel, 21 May 2021
East Boston man comments on Atlantic Ocean: "There's a lot of water out there!"
During a ride to the beach today, Steve Tocci was in awe as he looked out at the ocean. Turning to pal Kooch Mcgee he exclaimed "there's a lotta water out there!" Kooch replied, "A couple of gallons".
written by Earthvessel, 22 May 2021
Old nymph prostitute retires to tropics with a cockatoo
JenHall, a hard working girl for many years, is calling it quits. Friends threw a big shindig for her retirement and also got her the perfect gift. A cockatoo for her to snuggle up to in her new life
written by Earthvessel, 22 May 2021
Trump: "My friendship with Putin is very, very strong! Might be the best in the world"
At a press conference today the former president repeatedly emphasized that he liked Vladimir Putin "very, very much", that they were very, very good friends; possibly the best friendship ever known
written by Earthvessel, 22 May 2021
Trump thinks the Ottoman Empire has something to do with robots
Informed by a Mir-a-Lago guest that she was a student of Ottoman Studies, the hobnobbing smooth-talking former president responded with a great question: "What's that, something about robots right?"
written by Earthvessel, 22 May 2021
Scientists venture to rural America to determine the length of a "country mile"
Professor John Nerdelbaum Frink Jr. and his team of top notch scientists have sojourned to the boondocks on a mission. Their objective: to calculate the length and crack the mysteries of country mile
written by Earthvessel, 24 May 2021
Know why chickens don't wear pants? Mystery solved!
Today we got more confirmation that it truly is a great time to be alive! The exciting new revelation that come to light: Chickens do not bother wearing pants because their packers are on their heads!
written by Earthvessel, 24 May 2021
Rumors confirmed: Greg Allman NOT born a rambling man!
Long ago Greg Allman told the world he was born a rambling man. It's odd now, looking back that we all took him at his word. Now, because we've advanced in our thinking we know Allman was just a baby!
written by Earthvessel, 25 May 2021
Farts in space can have deadly after-effects on Earth
Astrophysicist "Rip" Eitherton issued a warning to space travelers about potential dangers of farting in space. He explains that farts merging with solar winds can trigger natural disasters on Earth
written by Earthvessel, 29 May 2021
A Science-Lab Watch Whistle-blower Reveals the Real Purpose Behind "Gain of Function" Research
The watchdog group insider disclosed that Fauci's secret funding of "gain of function" research had little to do with disease scrutiny and everything to do with Fauch's penile projectile problems.
written by Trinculoman, 29 May 2021
