Quantum Foam Is The New Elvis
A 1924 sugar lift etching of Dan Leno playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats pier, while Mussolini smokes a Meerschaum pipe in the background, has been stolen from Cheryl Fernandez-Versini's handbag.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
Yet More Classifieds
Jigsaw of the Beheading of John the Baptist (Disney Version);
20 tins of World War II Powdered Horse Milk - just add water and stand clear;
Two Severed Ears, not a pair, in Christmas paper.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
More Classifieds
Asstd Used Merkins, various colours;
Box of broken bottles - great for injuring cats;
Lovely 10000-piece jigsaw of the subatomic space
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
Classifieds
Plastic trivet for sale, lost its shape, hence low price;
Case of World War II Mock Horse Puddings, might no longer be eatable;
Bag of hair from shaved corpses, suitable for pillows, wigs, merkins etc
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
Pronking Is The New Cunnilingus
To discourage unwanted Jehova's Witnesses, answer the door completely nude, holding a haddock, and say "Would you mind holding my haddock while I masturbate?" They won't come back.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
Horse Rescued From Mezzanine Floor
Award-winning poet Len Blatt's new work, a tour-de-force entitled A Brecon Threnody, is a set of sixteen sestinas, and tells the story of a poultry-farmer's struggle with mirrors and powdered egg.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
I Milked John Craven While My Mother Slept, Claims Dover Pig Breeder
Late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe left behind works such as Get Creative With Yak Meat, More Things To Do With Yak, and Let's Try Horse For A Change.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
Archdeacon Wedged in Chimney
Sidney Yardbrushe, the late travel writer, bequeathed us such gems as The Wheelbarrows of Siberia, The Hindu Kush in a Bubble Car, and the unpublished Bhutanese Girls Really Go.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
Poltergeists Are The New Marmalade
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable has come up with an electric shoehorn, a self-assembling jigsaw, and a miniature ladder set for pygmy window cleaners.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
Find Love Now!
New Guinea Girls are waiting for your! Be the first one in your shitty town to install a tattoo-covered head-hunting bride in your bed-sit. They're desperate. They worship the Duke of Edinburgh!
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
Rule Britannia
More From The Cretin Channel:
21:00 Gobshite Britain: The team spends a day with Wayne Cunt, a tail-gating, BMW-driving Con-Man. They accompany him as he scams naive people out of their pensions.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 March 2017
EX-pat aliens saved by the Lord (s)!
If Theresa May had her way, ex-pats living in Europe would become unwanted aliens! Thank the Lord there are the Lords to put her to the sword and thwart her bullshit rhetoric; Amen!
written by unknown
