Israel says it stopped al-Qaeda attack on U.S. Embassy
"Guess we did a lot better job of it than Hillary and company!"
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Obama: Pot No Worse Than Alcohol
"Also, Alcohol no worse than pot. Or did I just say that? Pot no worse than marijuana. Ha Ha Ha!"
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Family-owned marijuana shop plans to become 'Costco of weed'
Walmart stores in Colorado changing names to WalMari Mart!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
PBS to honor Sarah Silverman, Leah Dunham as 'Women Who Make America'.
Average United States citizen has no idea who these women are or were.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Chinese Smog Reaches All the Way to Los Angeles
Many ships lost in smog between the two continents.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Florida candidate gets visit from Secret Service after calling for Obama to be hanged.
"I only meant it to bring me some attention! Everyone else ignores me."
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Fracking Protesters Glue Themselves to Wrong Gas Pumps.
"What language! I hope they go from here once they're freed and stick their tongues to a metal surface!", says worker.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Half of fans say 'supernatural' forces in play during sports events.
Especially those games played in New Orleans!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Thieves Raiding Residents' Woodpiles For Firewood.
More than one stove blows as some people laced hole in their wood with gunpowder.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
What's the MATA!
United fans are asking the question only Mourinho knows the answer to...
written by unknown
Denver Pot Store Burns Causing Chaos
The first Marijuana store to burn down leaves Denver in a mess as cars collide, drivers and passengers lying about, laughing their heads off!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Marvel Comics May Bring Back "Goody Two-Shoes" #5
In next issue of Marvel's "Goody Two-Shoes" is actually caught and abused by "The Hot Rod Drag Queen"!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Marvel Comics May Bring Back "Goody Two-Shoes" #4
New issue of "Goody Two-Shoes": Goody joins Peter Parker and lures in arch criminal Peter Puffer!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Man Eats Full Gateaux
A man from the town of 'Pity Me' has died today after eating an entire Double Deluxe Chocolate Gateaux. It's believed the man showed no prior warning signs. Friends said it was very out of character.
written by Matt Brown, 22 January 2014
Nazi stag MP Aidan Burley 'caused deep offence'
In a note from his office Lord Rennard said he was upset at not being invited as it is exactly the sort of event he enjoys.
written by John_L, 22 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #111
According to Snoops: Gerber Baby Food has been recalled. Apparently every jar has glass in it.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #077
According to Snoops: Eating too many doughnuts a day will make you blind...to the lower half of your body.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Bum On The Street Getting Fewer Handouts!
"Even though I haven't worked a day in my life or filed taxes on $20,000 hand outs I get a year, there's also a dark side to the profession...but I can't come up with one just off the top of my head."
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Miley Cyrus Visits Grandfather Just Before His Death
"It was sad but he did leave me two Billion Dollars. So, even if he is in prison for counterfeiting, he's still my favorite grandfather."
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Car crashes into Florida Popeye's restaurant
Wimpee nearly chokes to death on hamburger, while Popeye and Brutus try to give Olive Oyl the breath of life.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Scandals tarnish two of GOP's golden boys
That means they're Presidential material, judging by the past four!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
South African miner finds 'exceptional' 29.6-carat blue diamond
Gets ten cents per hour, bringing it up to 15 cents an hour. Plus a bonus breathing mask.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Hungary Receives Messages Threatening Athletes' Security at Sochi Olympics
Russia: Better get tickets now. Only a few thousand left.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Russia Calls On U.S. Military Tech to Counter Roadside Bombs at Winter Olympics
You're the experts now after taking over for us in Afghanistan!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Is marijuana safe?
Most experts say "Sure it is. If you find a good hiding place and only smoke at home all alone, it should be fine."
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Richest 85 is as wealthy as half the world!
Sally Brown: "All I want is what's mine. All I want is what's coming to me."
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Update on The Elephant Man
Historians now believe that Joseph Carey Merrick, otherwise known as "The Elephant Man" was murdered for his ivory tusks.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Marvel Comics May Bring Back "Goody Two-Shoes" #3
Also, Marvel bringing back his key villain, The Flaming Flipper!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Marvel Comics May Bring Back "Goody Two-Shoes" #2
Marvel Superhero to battle "The Bum Bandit" in first issue!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Marvel Comics May Bring Back "Goody Two-Shoes"
Now is the time to re-release the gay character", say fans.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Breaking Breakfast News: Froot Loops Are All the Same Flavor
"Cereal can not be trusted with any of their claims", says former froot loop eaters. "I bet they're all made in China!"
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Christie, step aside, GOP bigwig says
Christie: "Do you think anyone wearing a big wig like that will get any votes?"
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Frigidaire follows heavy snow into East
I'm sorry. That should be: Frigid air follows heavy snow into East!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Syria peace talks open with bitter rhetoric
Horrible hot air, flustered flatulence, badmouthing bombast and hideous hyperbole. Otherwise, not too bad.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Syria FM, UN Chief in Verbal Clash at Conference
"All I did was mention the 11,000 bodies that have been found in their prisons", says UN Chief.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #956
According to Snoops: Rand Paul still insists that President was not born in Hawaii. "Does he look Hawaiian to you?"
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #719
According to Snoops: Many years ago, the Village Idiot doubled as the town geek. You could take your dinner chicken to him in the early morning and have him bite off it's head.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #904
According to Snoops: Warning: Eating pop rocks for desert after Mexican food can lead to your commode being blown apart, losing one or both testicles.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #907
According to Snoops: Farm-raised catfish from China could have bits of farmer's hands in them!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
California drought: Scientists puzzled by persistence of blocking 'ridge'
Looking into Chinese seeding of clouds for rain there.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Key Numbers to Know for Filing 2013 Tax Returns
If you have a pen handle here they are: Two, zero, one and three!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Agatha Christie Got Away With Murders
Time and time again but she still was free up until the day she died.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
New trial sought for SC boy, 14, executed in 1944
The wheels of justice grind slowly..very, very slowly apparantly.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Organic food shortages reported.
Chicken livers, hearts, gizzards hard to keep on shelves.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
TARGET Dropping Health Insurance for Part-Time Workers.
Also, laying off full time hackers, "unless we can find one by himself!"
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
70% of jobs could become automated over next 30 years...
Hackers say: Not as long as we can screw them up!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Blizzard Blasts Northeast U.S.
Old Man Winter joins the "Knock Out" group with a mighty blow!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #337
According to Snoops: Over 100 women a year are taken to hospital every year to have a banana removed.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #064
According to Snoops: Gorden Golden Fish Sticks rumored to help sex life, found with small amount of Viagra in every stick!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
A Possible Benefit To Drinking (A Little) Wine During Pregnancy
However, a lot of wine can lead to a pregnancy!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
NOAA: Swirling Storm Dumps Nearly a Foot of Snow Just Outside Philly; About 6 Inches in NYC
As Global Warming continues to heat up the furnace!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Obama speaks out on marijuana. Why now?
OK OK! I was trying one out to see if there was any difference. Now for the alcohol!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Over 50 and Still Single?
What are you anyway, some kind of freak? Send photo but not if it makes me sick.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
HAZE: White House drug czar contradicts Obama on marijuana.
Alcohol nothing like pot. There's almost no change of behavior in a small amount of alcohol!
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Army considers replacing thousands of troops with robots.
HAL: Look Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
Propane shortage adds to Northeast U.S. Winter Woes.
Someone call Texas for Hank Hill, in charge of propane and propane accessories.
written by Bureau, 22 January 2014
