Does video show Pope doing exorcism?
Can a man's head go all the way around like that and not break his neck?
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Texas man's printed sign alerting other drivers got him arrested, but is anyone really guilty of anything?
Judge: "No spitting tobacco on the streets is still on here but nothing on the books about warning people of something bad might happen."
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Anti-Aging Creams of 2014. Which One Is For You?
Or would have been...maybe 25 years ago! We're no miracle workers. Please go away and take that ugly old pus with you!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Study: Sunlight may lower your blood pressure
Clouds, especially mushroom shaped clouds can run your blood pressure over the top!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Obama: 'I'll act on my own'.
Republicans, Michelle and some democrats: And you will be on your own!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
UKIP Gay Alert
All Gays living near the Thames have been advised to join UKIP before getting married.
written by j.w., 18 January 2014
Water Still Smells In West Virginia
Chemical company states that there are no more harmful chemicals. "What you are smelling is all the dead fish, turtles, frogs, dogs and cats the chemicals killed."
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Prolonged execution renews debate over death by lethal injection
"Someone should have been humane enough to go in and cut his throat!"
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Cruise passengers fall ill
"They will hang over the rail and vomit", said worker. "Why they don't go to bathroom in their cabins I don't know. One pukes, others see him, and we get 100 pukes. Then someone falls in!"
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Patients' Costs Skyrocket; Specialists' Incomes Soar
Consumer Advocates: Look for ways to sue the crap out of them. Overcharging you could lead to a heart attack.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Wife of India minister found dead after Twitter spat
"I'll sure miss the twitter spat of little feet coming to bed at night."
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #803
According to Snoops: The first pool tables were merely tables with holes in the corners and side with an old sock catching the falling ball. Back then it was referred to as "Pew-il"
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #777
According to Snoops: The Kentucky Derby where gay college students wore feathers and a derby and turkey trotted around the track in the early hours, never caught on.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #901
According to Snoops: Some restaurants in NYC will not serve Emeril Lagasse not only because he could copy a better recipe but the customer's were constantly shocked by his yelling "BAM!" all the time.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #896
According to Snoops: Although it was only months after Emily Dickinson's death when all her poems were discovered in her desk, it was years before they found her boyfriend"s skeleton in the wall.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
UKIP Councillor, David Silvester, Confirms That Recent Storms Are God's Judgement On Legalising Gay Marriage
Nigel Farage was reported to be sobbing inconsolably while screaming: 'Oh F**k, not another one!'
written by Swan Morrison, 18 January 2014
UKIP Councillor, David Silvester, Confirms That Recent Storms Are God's Judgement On Legalising Gay Marriage
'Many innocent people died, and misery has been caused to millions,' said the Archbishop of Canterbury. 'This is terrorism by God! I've left the faith, and I urge decent Christians to do likewise.'
written by Swan Morrison, 18 January 2014
Vegan Chef Presses Charges Against Self for Plagiarizing Own Recipe
"Every recipe on my blog looked like the first recipe I'd ever posted. 'Roast -x- until golden brown with olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic.' I felt like I ripped myself off."
-"Chef" Bo Frotham
written by Sheepface, 18 January 2014
REPORT: 16-Year-Old Boy Suffers Ruptured Testicle During Pat-Down By Philly Cop.
"What's this lump right here?" "It WAS my right testicle!"
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Couple Advertises House For Sale As 'Slightly Haunted'.#2
"There's about a one-minute scream at 9:15 PM every night and that's all", says George Billings. "It's also ran off some burglars, hasn't it Hon?"
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Couple Advertises House For Sale As 'Slightly Haunted'.
They say that the table sometime rises a little on it's own. Finally admit it also excuses itself and walks to the bathroom but not often.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Smog in China prompts authorities to display sun on giant screens.
Some kids up to six years old have not seen the actual Sun!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
BBC: 'Sun gone to sleep'?
'Solar lulls' coincide with bitterly cold winters..Scientists stumped...for record 10,000th time.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
SETTLEMENT: Police force enema on motorist who slow-rolled through stop sign.
We can't print what they did to that jaywalker in Kansas.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
SUNDANCE SNUB: Festivals Ignore Conservative Documentaries.
That's also why conservatives have turned off TVs and gone to the internet and Talk Radio.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
End of Film: PARAMOUNT First Studio to Stop Distributing Celluloid.
Paris Hilton: I wondered what they did with all that stuff they sucked out of your butt."
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
MSNBC: Separate Actor and Actress Categories Sexist.
So is calling them moms and dads, why not just Modads? "This is your Modad and this one here is your Modad too." Kind of like "My Brother Daryl and my other brother Daryl.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Rate of able-bodied adults without dependents on food stamps surges.
"The whole country, especially those in Washington, have mental problems so we may as well draw some bucks", claims one guy in line.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Thief takes flat-screen TV from TARGET, makes getaway on skateboard.
He should be easy to spot. Can't be over half a dozen of those running around the streets.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Gates says his book praises Obama, only '10 pages' are critical.
"Plus I held the 'N' word down to only 75 pages because he can't help that!"
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
RESEARCH: Better To Run Away From Nuclear Detonation Blast.
Whew! Glad you warned us. Most of us would be running toward one of those!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
VIDEO: Hilarity Ensues When Americans Are Asked About Joe Biden.
Same thing for Gerald Ford's golf, Spiro Agnew, Sarah Palin, Dan Quayle, Mondale in a Tank!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
LIFETIME to air movie romancing incest.
"Marry your niece, have a houseful of idiots and draw off every one of them!" seems to be the message.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Local police departments struggle to find recruits who can 'write a report'.
Schools still passing them through the grades without teaching them anything but social acceptance and politeness instead of reading and math skills.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Study finds nearly 6,000 natural gas leaks in DC.
"90% of those leaking gas are politicians", say inspectors.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Pot backers cheer for a Seattle-Denver Super Bowl..#2
"If we lose, win, it won't be couches and cars being lit up!"
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Pot backers cheer for a Seattle-Denver Super Bowl.
Fans saying "Either way, that could be one big blow-out!"
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Buchanan: Why Congress Is Held in Contempt.
Because they have no backbone? Because they allowed President to get us so far in debt that we could never pay it?
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Top Dem Admits: 'Nobody' Read 1,582-Page Spending Bill..
"Why do you think we had it written like that? GOP planning one 15,000 pages, most already written."
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
County signs up prison inmates for Obamacare.
"Free medicine, free food, TV, exercise room." Few wanting out these days. "I plan to steal a car soon as I get out, cruise the outside world until they catch me or I turn myself in", says one inmate.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Big temblor could cripple Internet, cellphone service.
"Who you calling a big Temblor, Fool?" : Mr. T.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Small Quake Rattles LA Area On 20th Anniversary Of Northridge.
Another small quake hits Denver area on the anniversary of whatever.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
FEAR: Drinking-water shortage possible in California.
Bottled water disappearing from shelves. Piss Recyclers selling like hot cakes!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
California Has Drought of the Century!
How do they know? We have almost 97 more years to go!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Scientists baffled after mystery rock appears in front of Mars rover.
"Does that look like those on Easter Island?", asks scientist who is immediately shushed.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
STUDY: Dolphins see world in same way as humans.
"Live each day as if it is your last, because sooner or later, it will be. Try smoking a joint."
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
NKorean cartoon teaches kids geometry by calculating missile strikes against America.
U.S. counter-attacks by sneaking in cartoons that show where Wile E. Coyote, Road Runner, Bugs Bunny, etc all live in America.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Moscow creates 1,500-mile 'security zone' around Sochi.
A lot of the athletes may have trouble getting past security, themselves.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Olympic security uncertain despite drones, subs, missiles.
"We may have to bring nukes to area also", reassures Putin! Warns athletes to stay indoors with barred windows as much as possible.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Legalized medicinal pot has new supporter: Harry Reid #3
Asks Rand Paul: "Have you read the Beat Poets lately?
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Colorado Shop Owners Can't Keep Marijuana Edibles in Stock.
However, drug companies say they are beginning to lose money as people get off tranquilizers.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Legalized medicinal pot has new supporter: Harry Reid #2
"Hey, I think it should be approved for Washington DC. I think the whole world would like us being mellow!"
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Legalized medicinal pot has new supporter: Harry Reid
Reid: I love you, Mitch McConnell. We need to get together more often. Bring the wife and family...snacks.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
American troops may return to Middle East to train Iraqis.
That has always been so successful before in Iraq, Vietnam, etc.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
ABCNEWS: '50 Ways to Celebrate Michelle Obama's Birthday'.#5
Send her an anonymous note telling her to quit making those horrible faces while her husband is flirting or her face might freeze that way.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
ABCNEWS: '50 Ways to Celebrate Michelle Obama's Birthday'.#4
Send her a huge packet of seed to plant in the White House garden and some immigrants to take care of all the hard work.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
ABCNEWS: '50 Ways to Celebrate Michelle Obama's Birthday'.#3
Letting her know what Oprah is saying about her, privately!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
ABCNEWS: '50 Ways to Celebrate Michelle Obama's Birthday'.#2
Send her and her family to Denmark to meet their beautiful Prime Minister!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
ABCNEWS: '50 Ways to Celebrate Michelle Obama's Birthday'.
Impeach her husband and bring our national debt down!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Chemical Spill Company Goes Bust!
Explosion could lead to a setback for those cleaning up! Oh, you mean belly-up! Sorry.
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Heard in Hollywood™
Starlet #1: Do you dream in color?
Starlet #2: Yes. But I fart in IMAX 3-D.
written by Michael Balton, 18 January 2014
Tea PartyPatriots Vow to Overthrow Obama
Tea Party Patriots vow to over throw Obama right after they refill their Lipitor Prescription.
written by Kevin Nelson, 18 January 2014
Big Sale on EBay
Van Gogh's cut off ear goes for over half a million dollars!
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Vatican: Hundreds of Priests Defrocked for Deforestation!
I'm sorry, that should be: Vatican: Hundreds of Priests Defrocked for Molestation. (Bet that defrocking is worse than being water boarded).
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
Granma Newspaper Editor Leaves Cuba for Miami
"I'm tired of getting around on a bicycle after my old Edsel finally died."
written by Bureau, 18 January 2014
