Sarah Palin - The Helicopter Hunter
Sarah Palin has said that FOX News reporter Megyn Kelly may be pretty, smart, and popular but she can't stalk, shoot, and skin a moose like she can.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
A Huge Snowstorm Hits The Northeast
The storm is so huge weathermen are calling it The Kirstie Alley Snowstorm of 2014
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Secretary of State John Kerry To Visit China
John Kerry plans to inquire as to what the Chinese government uses to remove unsightly graffiti from The Great Wall of China
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Yak Texting Has Got To Stop
Pakistan has discovered that texting while riding on a yak tends to make the yak extremely nervous.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Jed Clampett: Well Doggies!
Due to the extreme popularity of Duck Dynasty, CBS has decided to begin filming a modern day version of the old Beverly Hillbillies comedy show.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
The Russian's Are Not Happy
The World Globalization Society reports that they've discovered a way to turn North Atlantic icebergs into top shelf Vodka.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Winnipeg, Canada Facing Extreme Cold Temperatures
Many residents of Winnipeg plan to go up to the North Pole for the winter.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
The Rockettes Want To Move To Arizona
It's so cold in New York City that the New York City Rockettes are each wearing five pairs of pantyhose.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Megyn Kelly Thanks NBC
NBC has decided to cancel its scheduled documentary on The Faults and Foibles of Megyn Kelly.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
The Expiration Dates Were Getting Close
The International Food Federation has discovered over 14 tons of food stashed in a camel repair shop in New Delhi, India.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Americans' Faith In Government Is In The Toilet
At least the toilet is functional. Not so the government. Need new people with new ideas in every position. Other than that, we're fine.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Bill Gates Wins Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes
It was announced today that zillionaire Bill Gates had won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. "I knew I would eventually get lucky," he said. "Now I can afford that last year of college."
written by Al N., 02 January 2014
Kim Jong Un To Change Name to Sparky
In stating that he never liked his name, Kim Jong Un, portly ruler of North Korea, stated that from here on out, he would be known as Sparky. Anyone not referring to him as Sparky will be executed.
written by Al N., 02 January 2014
Study Shows Drivers Having Heart Attacks Better Drivers Than Those Texting While Driving
A new study confirms that people having a heart attack while driving are better drivers than those who text while driving. Basically, people doing ANYTHING other than texting are better drivers.
written by Al N., 02 January 2014
Weather Warning in Northeast
Meteorologist: 'Exposed skin could freeze in 15 minutes'. Above all, don't take a leak outside.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Colorado Pot Store Runs Out of Product
Colorado, who legalized marijuana a year ago and started planning the first legal pot store then, disappointed pot patrons when the pot ran out in twelve minutes. Some had been in line for 11 months.
written by Al N., 02 January 2014
GovBeat: Early figures suggest number of traffic fatalities fell in 2013
However, number of falls in traffic that were fatal increased by 50%!
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Wrong family gets Christmas gift from Obamas
"What am I going to do with a box of golf balls?, says 84-year-old at retirement community.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Crowds line up to buy pot
Well, more or less. It's a little crooked. Must have had a free sample earlier. Now it's beginning to look like a circle.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Willie Nelson Moves Farm Aid
"It'll be in Colorado and there will be a special title, 'We Are The Wired' this year!"
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Dolphins Can Get High on Puffer Fish, Says Nature Show
But documentary never reveals if others besides dolphins can do it! Will Pot Stores carry these? Left out all the important stuff!
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Kerry arrives in Israel for Mideast peace push
Some progress made as all agreed that it was Cain that slew Abel. "It's a good start", says Kerry.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Consumer Reports reveals top favorite home exercise equipment
It's the bed again. I don't know why they do this every year. It's always the bed. I guess people look for #2.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Specialists say hundreds of husbands fake deafness!
Especially during football games on television and in-laws come over.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Texting, dialing while driving raises crash risk
Volume comparable to that of having mother-in-law in the back seat, but not as stressful.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
After the Times Square party comes the cleanup
"It's all those condoms that I hate the most", says street cleaner. "I guess I could take them to the sperm bank!"
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
All passengers confirmed rescued from icebound Antarctic ship
"As soon as my foot has any feeling in it, I'm going to kick Al Gore's ass", says one.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
New Year's Twin Babies Born in Separate Years
That's news every year. I want to see one that says, "Twins born in separate states!" "Twins born in separate time zones!"
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Iraq war vet makes Colorado's first pot purchase..
Then, Vietnam Vets clean out the store! ("Hey, this stuff is better than the dope with agent orange in it.")
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Hundreds monitored in Taiwan after bird flu case.
Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Chicken Flu! Is it just me or are our animal friends finally sick of us?
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Many feel recession still hasn't ended.
That's because they have just returned from their local grocery store, gas station.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
City considers replacing ice cream truck jingles with text messages.
That should really get the kids running up. Have any of these people remember their childhood?
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Priest found slain in church rectory.
Read all about it in the New York Times, latest Sue Grafton mystery!
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
NUKE FEAR: Feds Order 14 Million Doses of Potassium Iodide
Will all this good news ever stop? Suicide cases double. Looks like to me that it would be better and wait for the bomb to drop.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Deadly Swine Virus Sweeps the United States!
Sorry. We have just been ordered to not reveal that because of a panic. So we retract the above headline!
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
NFL DRAMA: Three of four playoff games still not sold out!
Typical response: "I'm not going out there in minus 40-degree temperature and paying $100 for a ticket and coffee."
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #321
According to Snoops: Shock treatments began after a gibbering idiot stepped on a live wire at an asylum &, being asked how he was, replied: "I dare say that my condition has improved tremendously!"
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #034
According to Snoops: Pie is the only thing comedian Soupy Sales ever ate once he left home.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #774
According to Snoops: The chief reason that Emily Dickerson stayed in her room all the time writing he poetry was because she was idiot/savant and a hunchback. Those old pics are her sister Amy.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #814
According to Snoops: Evolutionists say that the reason a giraffe's neck is so long, is because its head is located so far from its shoulders.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Reporter Passes Out on Live TV; Wakes Up and Continues Broadcast.
"...SNORT!...and we will continue with our coverage of the Kennedy assassination right after these commercials."
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Obamacare: Soaring premiums 'sucker punch' middle class.
Still more cancellations than sign-ups.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
IT BEGINS: Hospital workers go unpaid
Obamacare rings in new year with more mayhem. Why not cancel it until all the kinks taken out?
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Winnipeg deep freeze -- cold as uninhabited planet.
Citizens getting no more than two feet from source of heat!
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Global Warming Intensifies!
Major Snowstorm Targets 70 Million in Northeast...Zoo animals in one big huddle. Ships still stuck in ice!
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Upcoming snowstorm puts heat on new mayors.
Statue of Liberty's torch goes out. Ice keeps getting higher at Rockefeller Center.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Historic Bible goes missing after swearing in...Historic Bible goes missing after swearing in.#2
Left message by thief. "I couldn't leave this Bible with the Jawbone of an Ass speech."
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Historic Bible goes missing after swearing in.
Probably couldn't take de Blasio's bull and ran away on its own or hid.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
de Blasio: 'No longer a divided city'.
"Between the uh North and South New York City! Between the Whigs and uh Tories. (Wish that wind hadn't blown my speech paper out of my hand.")
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
De Blasio tightly restricts reporters at inauguration.
"I'll allow my own two cousins and that's it!"
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
House Speaker Boehner Explains His Crying
Speaker of the House John Boehner was asked why he cried so much. "It's that, I keep hoping that Romo of the Cowboys will make that last great throw and he never does, except to the other team.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
World didn't end in 2012!
So where is the guys who were predicting it? Any Mayans out there? Someone told us it would end and it didn't. "Looking at our debt and who our leaders are, I was hoping the Mayans were right."
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Gay couple weds for first time at Rose Parade
With lots of loud cheering and loud gagging, some puking on the street side.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
52 passengers trapped in Antarctica to be rescued be helicopter
"If this fails, our last resort is to send in 52 trained dogs to cross ice and drag them to closest ship by their coat collar."
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
New Yorks de Blasio is formally sworn in as mayor on a chilly day for crowd, predecessor
He is told, "Better get used to the cold shoulder. You'll see a lot of it."
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
New Yorks de Blasio is formally sworn in as mayor on a chilly day for crowd, predecessor
He is told, "Better get used to the cold shoulder. You'll see a lot of it."
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
Rail fare rise comes into effect
Many people will be getting off at next to last stop and walking the rest of the way to make do.
written by Bureau, 02 January 2014
