There were 1,610 spoof news snippets published in January 2014. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
JPMorgan Pays $2B 4 Partnering With Madoff
Morgan and Bernie Madoff cost widows and orphans billions in Ponzi scheme. The fine of $2B is huge but there are no criminal charges. "The Morgan excs wear white collars," explained the prosecutor.
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Super Rich Cry For Justice
"We are the deserving rich, we are the makers not the takers. I'm so misunderstood" said J.P Vandergoose who inherited $1.2B in 2011. "It's really hard work to keep my servants and yacht crew happy."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
First Amendment Now Repealed
Said Sen. Ted Cruz, who led fight to get rid of it, "It wasn't used for years. There's no separation between church and state, peaceful demonstrators are jailed, corporations censor TV news, etc."
written by Keith Shirey, 20 January 2014
Ex-Air Force Men Say Cheating Normal
Officers in charge of operating nuclear missiles have always cheated in readiness tests covering safety matters. "We never knew what we were doing Why the heat now? " asked a former officer
written by Keith Shirey, 20 January 2014
GOP Declares New War On Poverty
Boehner said tax breaks for the rich, no taxes on corporations, ending the Environmental Protection Agency, the FDA, ending money for cancer research, would stumlate growth and end poverty.
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Satanists Get Ok. Statue
In the Ok. capitol grounds a 7 foot goat-headed Satan will be built. A court ruled today that a 10 Commandments monument there had set a precedent. "We couldn't rule otherwise," said the judge."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Kim Jung Um Welcomes U.S. Spy Chief
Head of Snoops James Clapper has found asylum in N.Korea after Congress has chained his mind about prosecuting him for perjury. "N Korea's culture is about the same as the NSA's Clapper said."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
U.S. Now Supports Only Non Cannibal Terrorists
In a shift of policy, the US gives aid only to the good terrorists who promise not to eat the hears and livers of bad terrorists in Syria. "Finger nibbling is still ok," said U.S. War Department."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Denis Rodman Called In
Two warring factions that are supposed to be fighting Dictator Assad in Syria are warring with each other. One group has called in Rodman "He has the wisdom and power of Allah and can settle this."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Conservative Says Gov Can't Do Anything Right
So GOP congressman voted for bill to stop airline inspections. He was aboard a plane that had never been inspected. As it went down in flames he said, "My death is not in vain I stopped Big Brother.
written by Keith Shirey, 13 January 2014
Denis Rodman On Kim Jung Um
"We be close friends cuz. He's a great humanitarian. We bond playing chess, reading Saint Augustine, discussing Jean-Paul Sartre, listening to Beethoven and Bach, going to art galleries, and such."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
US Ally Saudis Back Gentle Terrorists In Syria
Sheik bin Akhmed Obadin said that it would now only back the Syrian "good terrorists" who only kill infants. "If they leave babies to live they're good guys. I think our US friends feel the same."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Rupert Murdoch Says Has Power To Choose Pres.
The Fox News owner says his viewers will tip the scales in 2016. " You know, the Duck Dynasty Fans, the KKK, the Tea Party, the Miley Cyrus groupies, gun nuts, angry white men and Limbaugh fans."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
No Medical Care Lets People Be Heroes
Most GOP state govs won't allow extension medicare That means 5M people with delayed care. In Tx., no treatment for cancer let's them be heros at they fight the disease on their own" said Ted Cruz.
written by Keith Shirey, 13 January 2014
Japan Responds To Fukushima
With secrecy, denial, no monitoring from other nations, hiding radioactive fish. The plant could have huge explosion. P.M's solution "If we lose it we'll build 50 more like the one at 3 mile island."
written by Keith Shirey, 13 January 2014
Concern Over Super Bowel Fly By
The air force has decided to use F-35 fighter jets for the Super Bowel flay over. It has numerous design flaws and could crash into football fans. Lockheed-Northrup who built it is a game sponsor.
written by Keith Shirey, 20 January 2014
David Brooks On Reefer Madness
The NY Times man said that "weed makes you lazy." " It was ok in my day but kids now have to work hard to pay off huge student loans working at boring low pay jobs. No pot now, they have to be alert."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Global Banking Regulators Ease Up
Fearing retribution on governments for regulations on huge banks, the WBR, which oversees world financial institutions, say regs. will not be enforced and praised Bernie Madoff type Ponzi Schemes.
written by Keith Shirey, 13 January 2014
TX. Forces Women To Host Fetus'
Women as "hostess for fetus" law passes. IT provides internment camps for women who want abortions. Law says must carry embryo to term in camps. "The placenta is sacred" says Gov. Perry,"it's law."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
French Pres.'s Ratings Go Up After Mistress Revealed
Francois Hollande's political policies have been a bust. But when it was revealed he had such a good looking mistress the public now admire him and his popularity has soared.
written by Keith Shirey, 24 January 2014
Why Are The Rich So Rich?
Guru Raja Shiva said today, when asked why 0.2% of the top 1% in America were billionaires said, "Well that's easy, they chose the right parents before birth."
written by Keith Shirey, 21 January 2014
Rogers, Feinstein Say Snowden Foreign Spy
They also said that he has put American lives in jeopardy. But FBI says no such cases have been found and he is not under influence of foreign gov'ts. Mystic j. Ra says they channel Joe McCarthy.
written by Keith Shirey, 21 January 2014
Head Of Religious Order Reveals Agenda
Sister Mary Vagina said today that employees of Catholics should give up personal health care freedoms. "No coverage for Aids, condoms, if the bosses say so, then they have to go along with it.
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Climate Deniers Groups Names Revealed
Edward Snowden found the dark money contributors front groups: "Christians For A Green U.S.," " Friends Of Science," "Earth Love Inc.," "Save The Earth," "Mother Spaceship," and "Planet Salvation."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Hard Line Muslims Make Demands
Extremist Muslims in tax-supported public universities demand that men and women be separated at public college forums. Sen. Ted Cruz of Tx said "That's fine with me, I support segregation."
written by Keith Shirey, 13 January 2014
Giant Penalty Doesn't Affect J.P.Morgan
For it's failing to report Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme they were fined $6B. "Why would that bother us? We, B of A and Chase own America. So the fine's a trillion dollars? So what!,"said Morgan CEO
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Christie Remains Popular
In spite of "bridgegate" and revelations and 3 new scandals emerging, NJ Gov. has 98% approval rating of NJ residents. Why? A typical statement is "I know he's corrupt but he's blunt, outspoken."
written by Keith Shirey, 20 January 2014
Rubio Says Quit War On Poverty
It hasn't worked he said. "We've still got all of these lazy 3-year-olds who won't work; welfare queens who work 3 jobs a day but still can't pay bills; and severely disabled looking for handouts."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Why Is Ted Cruz Still Canadian?
He said he would no longer be a citizen of Canada but he hasn't acted. "It's a simple process, Of course, if you have mental health issues you can't do it," said R.L. Smith, immigration attorney.
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
New Chris Christie Scandal
He's had lap band removed, was seen at McDonald's gorging on 5 Big Macs and 7 bags of fries.
written by Keith Shirey, 13 January 2014
Mylie Cyrus To Star In New Role
The producer of a new version of Mary Poppins said today that Mylie was given the part.
written by Keith Shirey, 23 January 2014
Kim Jung Um Welcomes U.S. Spy Chief
Head of Snoops James Clapper has found asylum in N.Korea after Congress has chained his mind about prosecuting him for perjury. "N Korea's culture is about the same as the NSA's Clapper said."
written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
Rebel Defends Cannibalism
Mumaud al Bin Dahmer, rebel commander fighting in Syria, today explained why he ate the hearts of regime supporters he had killed. "Cannibalism in the pursuit of liberty is no vice," he said.
written by Keith Shirey, 20 January 2014
New U.S.Olympic Uniforms Ugly
But the chair of the U.S.Olympic Committee says they couldn't be. "They were designed by Ralph Lauren whose taken me out for at least a dozen lunches at Spago."
written by Keith Shirey, 24 January 2014
Polar Vortex Proves Global Warming Hoax
The Rev. Danny Dumb-end times hopeful and climate change denier-said that today. When scientists pointed to unusual heat as the basis for the vortex he said "I'm sick of them stating the facts."
written by Keith Shirey, 10 January 2014
Jerry Sandusky Wants Pension Back So He Can Buy Candy for the Warden's Kids
Convicted serial child molester Jerry Sandusky tried to get back the Penn State pension he lost when he got sent to the State Pen. He says he would use it to buy candy for the warden's children.
written by Al N., 10 January 2014
Chemical Spill in Va. Reds Not Enforced
The EPA Va. head asked for public understanding of virtually no enforcement of rules. "Most of us are on the Boards of coal, chemical, and fracking companies. That's very time consuming."
written by Keith Shirey, 13 January 2014
Gary Delaney marries Sarah Millican
Stand-up comedians Gary Delaney and Sarah Millican have got married - Gary's marriage vow was a one liner, and Sarah's just went on and on and on and on....
written by IainB, 03 January 2014
Justin Bieber Object Of Comics' Ridicule
Funny men and their audiences enjoyed making him the object of ridicule. But a noted sociologist says it is they who are ridiculous. "He's badly in need of help. Only dumb-asses would laugh."
written by Keith Shirey, 24 January 2014
Snowden Says He'll Never Return To U.S.
His constant companion, Gwen Ashton from the UK, revealed the real reason is that his long-time girlfriend who he left in Hawaii is impossibly angry. "Snowden won't face her wrath" she revealed.
written by Keith Shirey, 24 January 2014
Why Morale Is So Low Among US Nukemen?
Many officers who would launch land-based nuclear missiles have been relieved of duty for being drunk, not knowing safety rules. The nukes are aimed at russia. The cold war was over 20 years ago.
written by Keith Shirey, 21 January 2014
Liz Cheney Quits WY Senate Race
Her exit happened after hunting accident where her dad, Dick Cheney, hit her with rifle butt. When she came to, awareness of being a stupid homophobe & a total political incompetent made her quit.
written by Keith Shirey, 06 January 2014
Transgender Inmate Close To Surgery
Conan O'brien and Jay Leno are delighted about the surgery as they see a new opportunity for jokes. They often make funnies about prison rape, which the U.S., the center of world morality, find funny
written by Keith Shirey, 24 January 2014
Russian Communal Toilets Objets Of Interests
Pics of side-by-side thrones have gone viral on the internet. They're not in keeping Russian homophobia. But, more importantly, the pictures reveal that there is no provision for toilet paper.
written by Keith Shirey, 24 January 2014
French taxi driver strike
French taxi drivers have blockaded the roads to protest against higher taxes. "I do not want to modify my taxi in any way," said one taxi driver. But in French.
written by IainB, 13 January 2014
E-Bay CEO Explains Devil Worship Auctions
Charlie Clueless said auction with an etching showing a person kissing Satan's buttocks was acceptable. "We allow artistic expressions of all of the world's religions. Satanism is no exception."
written by Keith Shirey, 13 January 2014
Christie's New Explanation
A 2nd scandal emerged today when we was accused of taking police officers to direct traffic to purposely cause tie-ups to cause trouble on bridge
"Not true i wanted them to exercise with their arms,"
written by Keith Shirey, 13 January 2014
Glen Beck Sorry He Almost Destroyed US
Former host said that he helped to tear "fragile" America apart. His psychotherapist said it's a typical statement from one suffering from delusions of grandeur.
written by Keith Shirey, 23 January 2014
And Here's Your Durango Bango
Colorado newspapers are reporting that some Aspen hotels are paying their employees in marijuana.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 January 2014
Reason For Seahawks Sherman's Rant
After Seahawks win over 49ers the cornerback screamed into the camera, the rant going viral. It turns out that he tipped a pass into teammates hand. He went wild to protect his thuggish image.
written by Keith Shirey, 24 January 2014
The Wolf Hall of Wall Street starring Leonardo DiCaprio, anyone?
Booker Prize winner Hilary mantel utterly confused at the Martin Scorsese-directed premiere.
written by queen mudder, 09 January 2014
Barbie to Become Disney Princess
Barbie announced today that she will be joining the Disney group as their newest princess. She said she was looking forward to sharing clothes and dream houses with the other princesses.
written by Al N., 10 January 2014
GOP & Dem.Parties To Merge
Boehner and Reid said today that since both parties are controlled by corporations and the rich & neither party will close tax loopholes they had too much in common to be separate political parties.
written by Keith Shirey, 13 January 2014
Salina Gomez Speaks Out
"Seventeen "ranks her as the most powerful woman 21 and younger." But the star says that she's not doing enough for her fans. "I work 17 hrs a day, am creative as i can be. I'm so guilty."
written by Keith Shirey, 23 January 2014
Fifi Has Gotten A Bit Particular
A French Poodle in Vail, Colorado accidentally ate five marijuana joints and now she will not touch her Kibbles 'n Bits but she'll devour a large pizza in 35 seconds flat.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 January 2014
The Mallards Have All Mellowed
Police officers in Steamboat Springs, Colorado are reporting that there is so much pot in the air that ducks cannot stop giggling and some are even flying upside down.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 January 2014
Scientology to Buy Kool-Aid Company
It has been said that Scientology devotees are "drinking the Kool-Aid." Scientology leader Dave Miscavige just announced that they have bought the company, so this saying will now be accurate.
written by Al N., 09 January 2014
Lame Ass Comedy Writers Screw Up The Spoof
Spoof website The Spoof! was totally screwed up Thursday by dozens of people reporting stories that were true and not spoofs. "It's actually supposed to be funny, not just a recitation of the facts."
written by Al N., 24 January 2014
The Super Bowl Fans Are One Hungry Bunch
Fans at this year's Super Bowl in New York City are expected to devour 22,000 hot dogs - or as Kirstie Alley would call it, a midnight snack.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 January 2014
Flat As Four Pancakes
TV critics are saying that the funniest Super Bowl commercial will probably be the one were NASCAR driver Danica Patrick and actress Keira Knightley compare chests to see which one is the flattest.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 January 2014
The Expiration Dates Were Getting Close
The International Food Federation has discovered over 14 tons of food stashed in a camel repair shop in New Delhi, India.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Woman has baby after sperm frozen four years
"I'm either having a girl or a boy but it felt like Frosty the Snowman. Hope he/she doesn't want to live in Alaska."
written by Bureau, 11 January 2014
Scientists announce first results from LUX dark matter detector
Finally! I was wondering if this would ever get done. Now what is it that they done did?
written by Bureau, 14 January 2014
Wal-Mart to Abdicate from United States, Form Own Country
Wal-Mart announced today that they are sick and tired of all the complaints about their predatory pricing, anti-union attitudes, not giving their employees benefits, etc. Therefore, they are seceding.
written by Al N., 14 January 2014
Justin Bieber to Marry Demi Moore
Justin Bieber (who is 19), announced that he and 51 year old Demi Moore will be getting married. He said, "We both love getting high, taking our clothes off in public, and being highly annoying!"
written by Al N., 20 January 2014
President Obama Fires Congress, Will Go It Alone
In a startling message during his State of the Union message, President Obama announced that he is firing Congress and will henceforth govern the US by himself.Congress was too busy arguing to notice.
written by Al N., 29 January 2014
I'm Not A Bully Says Chris Christie
He said this at today's news conference. Afterwards a loan woman teacher asked him about his cutting $1B from ed funds. He screamed at her "you're a failure factory worker" as he spit saliva.
written by Keith Shirey, 10 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #782
According to Snoops: Before starting Walmart, Sam Walton nearly went broke creating "Lemonade Mart".
written by Bureau, 25 January 2014
U.S., Russia call for trust-building ahead of Syria talks, spar over whether to invite Iran
Name calling goes on for hours until someone turns the lights out!
written by Bureau, 14 January 2014
The President Was Hot Under The Collar
President Obama stated that if people keep criticizing his State of The Union speeches then he'll just stop making the friggin things altogether.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 January 2014
The Rockettes Want To Move To Arizona
It's so cold in New York City that the New York City Rockettes are each wearing five pairs of pantyhose.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Nevada's biggest casinos lose $1.3 billion in '13.#2
No more free bottled water or colas! Alcohol prices just jumped.
written by Bureau, 11 January 2014
Secretary of State John Kerry To Visit China
John Kerry plans to inquire as to what the Chinese government uses to remove unsightly graffiti from The Great Wall of China
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Yak Texting Has Got To Stop
Pakistan has discovered that texting while riding on a yak tends to make the yak extremely nervous.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Megyn Kelly Thanks NBC
NBC has decided to cancel its scheduled documentary on The Faults and Foibles of Megyn Kelly.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
Jed Clampett: Well Doggies!
Due to the extreme popularity of Duck Dynasty, CBS has decided to begin filming a modern day version of the old Beverly Hillbillies comedy show.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 January 2014
True Facts From Snoops #997
According to Snoops: The average number of times a person taking a driver's test in Arkansas, until they pass it, is ten.
written by Bureau, 11 January 2014
Colorado Pot Store Runs Out of Product
Colorado, who legalized marijuana a year ago and started planning the first legal pot store then, disappointed pot patrons when the pot ran out in twelve minutes. Some had been in line for 11 months.
written by Al N., 02 January 2014
Paula Abdul Sues Tanning Company For Frying Her Brain
In further news about Paula Abdul suing the tanning company for frying her brain, the defendant's will use all the years of American Idol Paula Abdul was on to show that her brain was already fried.
written by Al N., 11 January 2014
Woman to give birth to own grandmother!
Sorry. That should be "Woman to give birth to her own granddaughter."
written by Bureau, 11 January 2014
CLAIM: Smell of Fear Inherited Through Genes.
"I don't know about that but smell of crap can come through the jeans", jokes Scientist.
written by Bureau, 11 January 2014
Man Dressed As 'Woody' From 'TOY STORY' Arrested For Groping Women.
Well, he certainly has the right name for it. Maybe he's a 'dink' pretending to be a 'Woody'.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2014
Seattle Seahawks in Finals
The Seattle Seahawks held on during a windy, rainy game against a very good New Orleans team as the game went down to the wire. They thanked the loud roar of the crowd for their home field victory.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2014
North Koreans Will Be Allowed To Have Facebook Imitation Called Kimbook
Mad because he had no Facebook friends, Despot Kim Jung Un of North Korea created a social network called Kimbook. The one person that can be friended is Kim Jung Un & all DPRK is required to do so.
written by Al N., 03 January 2014
GINGRICH: 'You always have a shadow side to your strengths'.
"I can remember that before losing weight, I had a double shadow."
written by Bureau, 12 January 2014
UPDATE: Documents reveal anger, chaos in Christie bridge scandal.
Friends say Christie now eating ten meals a day, out of frustration.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2014
Miley Cyrus Successfully Kept From Attending Golden Globes
Miley Cyrus, who is more often in the news than not in the news, did not attend or perform at the recent Golden Globes. "It was a bitch keeping it from her all that time," a spokesman said.
written by Al N., 12 January 2014
Giddy Up Lightning
A Boulder, Colorado cowboy sold his horse in order to buy marijuana.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 January 2014
The New Parents Were Highly Happy
A Pueblo, Colorado couple has named their new baby twin girls Mari and Juana.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 January 2014
Denver Girl Says She Has The Best Granny In The Nation
A Denver grandmother gave her granddaughter a pound of pot for her birthday.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 January 2014
The Twinkies Are Flying Off The Shelves
Grocery stores in Trinidad, Colorado report that they are running out of Hostess Twinkies, which is the preferred snack food of 8 out of 10 pot heads.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 January 2014
Here It Comes - Ready or Not
Authorities in Fort Collins, Colorado report that the huge marijuana cloud that has been hovering over the city should float up to Wyoming within the next 24 hours.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 January 2014
New Scout's Dyslexia Motto
The Scouts have produced a motto specifically for their dyslexic members: Knot tiers of the world untie!
written by IainB, 13 January 2014
Scientists announce first results from LUX dark matter detector #2
Wasn't this on the second of the three "Back To The Future" trilogy?
written by Bureau, 14 January 2014
Double Dutch idiot in the UK!
After thieves nicked a UK man's cannabis plants, the idiot called the police to inform them of his loss, he is now doing time and is feeling not quite as high as before the theft, no wonder Dumbo!
written by unknown
The National Security Agency has implanted software in nearly 100,000 computers around the world
The NSA says that allows the United States to conduct surveillance on those machines and can also create a digital highway for launching cyberattacks if needed. NSA Spokesman: "Bring it on!"
written by Bureau, 15 January 2014
Despite Dangerously High Radiation Levels, No Caution Signs at Surfer's Beach
"As usual, it's all talk and no action from this administration", say locals who have warned people themselves. "Somebody needs to take responsibility but the White House sits on it's ass as usual!"
written by Bureau, 15 January 2014
NFL Shocker!
I new report shows that half of all NFL players smoke marijuana! "Hey, it's legal for us!", jokes Peyton Manning. He admits that it's very visible when players to get ready for game.
written by Bureau, 15 January 2014
Insane Clown Posse, Declared Gang by FBI, Challenges Crips
The Insane Clown Posse, who recently launched a lawsuit against the FBI for calling them a gang, announced that they would be having a rumble with the Crips and stocking up on Faygo soda pop.
written by Al N., 09 January 2014
Woman gives birth to 15-pound baby in California
"I thought I would name him a bad name cause he nearly killed me but he's a cutie like myself so I named him Helen."
written by Bureau, 21 January 2014
