Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 19 September 2012

Romney's 47% comment checks out--if you count babies

Those who jumped on Romney for comments about 47% of Americans not paying taxes are left with pie on their face. It seems Romney was also including infants as those expecting food and health care.

Student couldn't care less if called Mike or Michael

LANGHORNE, PA--Neshaminy High School sophomore Michael Bellamy didn't really care if his English teacher Mr. Comeau called him Mike or Michael, but chose Mike because it has fewer syllables.

"Jesus would probably have tweeted"

The Archbishop of Canterbury imagines a day in the life of famous people for Radio 4.
I always had Jesus down as a Myspace type of guy.

Mitt Romney in shock gaffe at fundraiser

Controversial video captures Mitt Romney saying that 47 percent of Americans 'believe that they are victims'.

Do they have a National Accident Helpline in America? COuld be popular...

Screen Hires 'Cinema Ninjas' To Shh Film-Goers

Its good to see the Olympic Games-makers get re-employed.

Obama tells voters rally: I'm just like Jay-Z

I see he's aiming for the hip-hop R'n'B vote.

Mancini criticizes Joe Hart for blaming team after Madrid defeat

Madrid score twice in last four minutes to win 3-2 and Hart blames his teammates for defeat before Mancini slapped him down.
God forbid a player should speak honestly in an after match interview!

Nick Clegg says 'sorry' for Student fees u-turn

The Sun newspaper last week, Cleggy this week.

Do we now qualify for a David Cameron apology for something, on a buy two get one free deal?

Jesus had a missus!

A 4th century piece of tattered papyrus has confirmed the fact that Jesus had a missus, But no eye witnesses were around because even in those days people didn't live for 4 hundred years!

C4 News give Kelvin MacKenzie foot in the door treatment over Hillsborough

Unfortunately the foot of Alex Thomson wasn't as big as Kelvins mouth.

MP: Only 2% of national press sports coverage on women

Only 2% of articles & 1% of images in the sports pages of national newspapers are devoted to women's sport, according to a Labour MP.
And 90% of those images were Daily Star and Daily Sport.

12-Year-Old Writes 'Strongly-Worded' Letter To Romney

Romney hasn't read it yet, as its in the '47%' pile.

Linday Lohan Arrested After Fleeing Scene Of Accident

Her latest movie, or just her life in general?

French Magazine Publishes Mohammad Cartoons

Been a busy week for the French magazine world and contentious photo's and cartoons.

Fully clothed Royal picture goes viral!

Pictures of a fully clothed Camilla printed around the world. Thank god the paparazzi disappeared before she got her kit off.

Farmworker arrested for 'sex with miniature donkey'

The farm owner found them in the photocopier room after an office party.

Closer magazine use long lens to get pics of Kate

Ironic.

Lady Gaga smokes spliff on stage in Amsterdam

You know, for 'medical reasons'...

Emma date was a loo-ser

Emma Willis, presenter of Big Brothers Bit on The Side once hid in a toilet on a bad date.
I always wondered where she went.

New Mitt Romney tape comment.

In more from his fundraiser speech the GOP candidate says "People who pay tax deserve nothing, if they aren't smart enough to use the Cayman Islands to avoid it then they shouldn't be allowed to vote"

IT Girl Alexa Chung flirts with 1D's Harry Styles

No more Monkey business for Alexa (*) - Is it now Chung Direction?

* She used to date the leader singer of the Arctic Monkeys.

Mitt Romney support drops in latest poll

By approximately 47%

Romney gaffe shocks America

"Who lets the poor vote?"

TOWIE (*) star says 'film' is going to happen

Well it was always more likely than one of them writing a book (with you know, actual words in)

* TOWIE = The Only Way Is Essex

Downton Abbey returns to ITV

Inbetween the extended advert breaks, apparently.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day

"Wanna buy a dodgy DVD?"

Rupert Everett lets slip on This Morning

Presenters Holly Willabooby and Phil Schofield aghast as Everett mentions 'hand jobs' on the 10.30am programme.
It was a bit early, this sort of thing is more suited to Loose Women at 12.30pm

Royal Family to boycott 'French Connection' clothes

It's a bit late for British Home Stores, but good news for Marks and Spencer.

Jake Humphrey Leaves the BBC to join BT Vision

Jake wants to get a leg up for his career.

Homeless 'X Factor' Contestant 'Missing'

Have they looked underneath the bridge?

X Factor hopeful quits

Tammy Cartwright leaves to look after drug-addicted brother.

Its a shame, she had a great back-story...

Don't run out of money in your retirement

The NHS has now produced a pill that will prevent people from running out of money after they have retired. "It's 300mg of Arsenic," said a spokesman. "One to be taken on your 65th birthday."

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 134

Morgan Freeman death hoax on Facebook!

After a Facebook page announcing the 75-year-old actor's demise amassed more than 842,000 "likes"...

"How sickening!"

Voting Intentions Poll Results for 19.10.12

Labour 43% to 44%
Conservatives 31% to 34%
Lib-Dems 8% to 9%
UKIP 9% to 7%
Other 8% to 6%

If Labour can't get more than a 10point lead now, after the recent shenanigans... will they ever?

4,600 hardcore criminals let off by cops in year

They got away with just police cautions or warnings.

1/3rd of all offenders now have at least 15 previous convictions, but they get lenient punishments.

"Hang em!"