"Goldilocks" Santorum
Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he's the "Goldilocks candidate." No one has said that since John Edwards after a $1,000 haircut in 2008.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Jimmy Carter Slipping
Friends and neighbors of Jimmy Carter say that the former President sits outside most days talking to Billy and Mama. Also, he sometimes gets angry with the garage door opener for not picking up CNN!
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Obama Lures Tourists To US
President Obama attempting to bring more tourists to America issues '25% Off All U.S. Tourist Spots' coupons. But, you have to prove that you are a foreigner.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Aw Shucks!
Lovable, grandfatherly Ku Klux Klan member Adolf Himmler, admits that he once dreamed that he voted for President Obama.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Obama's Nuclear Moment
Obama nears his nuclear moment. Perhaps all of us are closer than we'd like to think. (Whistle...whistle)
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Gingrich Criticized Reagan
Gingrich archives show his public praise, private criticism of Reagan, often calling him, "Gipper the Nipper".
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Lloyds bank strip 13 executives of their 2010 bonus.
That was one hell of a boardroom party.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Home Secretary Theresa May is to split the UK Border Agency in two
Theirs a split in your border dear home secretary, dear home secretary.
With what will you fix it dear home secretary dear home secretary, with what shall you fix it? Dear home secretary with what?
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Mitt Romney is sinking in the US election polls.
Sinking quicker than the Costa Concordia and not an Italian in sight.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Paul McCartney says his pot-smoking days are over
More for the rest of us. Only problem is the price is going up.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Brit award host James Corden loses 18 tickets to the show in the back of a taxi.
That's what he told the organisers. Maybe he ate them?
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Chisora apologises for Haye brawl
"I had a bit too much red bull on saturday!"
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Innocent XIV?
Risk Sanatorium is seriously miffed not to have been made a Cardinal by El Papa.
"I have the credentials - I'm really Italian."
He had aspired to run for Pope himself after 8 years as President.
written by Exislanda, 20 February 2012
Hopes Are High
Commerce in Kentucky could go pretty high with the possibility of the legalization of marijuana. Plans for hemp factories already in planting stage. Their first expected summer hit: Ladies Pot Pants!
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Darwin Predicted It
Genetically modified skunk without stink bag learns to crap in on highways when there's a breeze.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Things Have Changed
Small town in Transylvania gets together on Facebook to plan torch mob to hunt down monster.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Forgot to Grease Throat First
Cleveland, Ohio man chokes to death on All-Vitamin/Mineral/Protein pill!
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Dutch scientists discover flat, synthetic burgers!
Dutch scientists have discovered a very flat, synthetic burger and promised "there is no meat at all in them!" McDonald's are suing them because they claim that their burgers are meatless too!
written by unknown
"Let Me Rest & Catch My Breath Awhile!"
Old man at nursing home turns 98 between putting on his right shoe and putting on his left shoe. Local news photographer falls asleep while waiting for it.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Arsenal deducted 10 points!
The FA has deducted 10 points (dix points) off of Arsenal because they refuse to play football and Arsene Wenger's pathetic excuses have become inexcusable, sacre bleu!
written by unknown
Moira Stuart sets up company to avoid paying some taxes.
She tried hiding under the stairs but that didn't work.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
I Can't Go On!
40-year-old 425-pound woman asks best friend to shoot her in front of doughnut shop!
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
'I fancy my boyfriend's ex-wife'
This headline brought to you by today's Guardian problem page (no, really)
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Locusts Back Already
Seventeen Day Locusts destroying a lot of Southern & Western crops in the United States. "They're the worst yet", says Tennessee farmer.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Bum A Hit!
NYC alley bum has plenty of money for booze after agreeing to show up at schools to be used as an example for staying in school.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
"I sold coke to Whitney day before she died"
Front page of the Daily Star Sunday - must be true then...
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Woman Concerned Over Blackouts
Los Angeles woman sues doctor who insists that he blackouts are somehow associated with her weekly alcoholic binges.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
John Prescott on 'Desert Island Discs'
Sadly the above title is one word too long.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Wee Had Hit Fust
Head of Amazon tribesmen just discovered by the rest of the world, sues so-called inventor of the thong.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Thames Water advise customers to block up leaks
Brighton manager Gus Poyet replied "You should have told me yesterday!"
Final score: Liverpool 6 Brighton 1
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Dame Judi Dench in sight battle.
Dame Judi Dench has revealed she has problems reading scripts and is worried she is going blind. In related news, she has been offered a job as a Premier League referee.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
ESPN Fires Writer
ESPN has fired the honky employee responsible for writing an offensive headline about basketball sensation Jeremy Lin!
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Adele 'sex tape' horror
"That's the last time I ask the staff in Blockbuster to surprise me"
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
'Mixed feelings' on Houston funeral
Although they stated that it was one of the greatest days ever for Whitney Houston fans outside watching all those attending her funeral, they still prefer her being alive, 247-42 according to poll.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
PETA Uproar Over Use of the Word "Dog"
Animal rights group, PETA, recently waged a war on the use of the word "dog". They argue that "dog" is often used in a derogatory way by badasses ranging from ex-KGB operatives to hardcore gangsters.
written by iKickComputers, 20 February 2012
Thames Water announce hosepipe ban for London
We better postpone the Olympics just in case.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Freakish Weather Continues
Snow causes nearly 1,000 wrecks! "We're just not used to it here in Timbouctou, Mali", says Mayor.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Avram Grant offers Chelsea boss AVB advice
"Try and win games"
With sage advice like this, how did Abramovitch ever sack him?
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
'Simpsons' Marks 500th Episode
"the most meaningless milestone of all!"
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Is $4 gas coming soon?
"Once we get through Labor Day, it should be down to only $4.00 per gallon", promises President Obama.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Scientists Growing Test-Tube Burger
It will be ready in eight months. Not exactly what you'd call fast food.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
U.N. Inspectors Return to Iran
Got a bargain deal on lastminute.com
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
U.N. Inspectors Return to Iran
"The weathers lovely this time of year"
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Man Survives Two Months In Snow-Covered Car
Luckily, he had a copy of 'War and Peace' to read.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Minnie Driver reveals father of her child
It was a Laurie Driver.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Brighton score three own goals at Anfield
More than Torres has got since he left Anfield!
Final Score: Liverpool 6 Brighton 1
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Guus Hiddink gets managers job at Anzhi Makhachkala
Andre Villas-Boas prayers have been answered (for the time being)
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Armed robbers loot ancient Greek museum
Or was it the EU trying to get some security on their loans?
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Adele Vows to Spit in Estranged Father's Face
"It will be so big a loogie, he won't be able to breathe through his nose, a gob of all gobs, said the normally mild mannered Adele.
written by JAB, 20 February 2012
'Sun on Sunday' to launch this weekend
Gee, I sure hope there are no dawn raid arrests on Sun journalists in the days leading up tot he first 'Sun on Sunday'
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Gay black policeman wins discrimination case against Police
I'd say the odds were stacked in his favour.
written by radiogagger, 20 February 2012
Snow Hits South!
Storm dumps snow on South, knocks out power, sun bathing!
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Three Shot During Protest
Three shot at Cambodian protest! Leader keeps yelling "Shoot into the air! THE AIR!"
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
We're All Fat
Mardi Gras helps fatten New Orleans businesses, business people, tourists!
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Cameron in trouble
"But its mine!" cried a belligerant British PM David Cameron after Police insisted he return a plastic toy gun that he didn't pay for at Toys R Us. Police booked Mr Cameron and asked he be a good boy.
written by whatinthe world, 20 February 2012
New book on genetics
Popular geneticist, Gregory Mendel, has announced he has written a coffee table book on home genetics, entitled "How to Twin Friends and Influenza People". It will be on sale from next Monday.
written by IainB, 20 February 2012
Must Have Been A Tough Exam
A U.S. immigration agent shot his boss six times during a performance discussion at the agency's offices in a San Francisco suburb. Lance Smith arrested but told he had passed the test.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Didn't Mean It That Way
Wisconsin governor's bid for delay on recall signatures delayed!
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
DC Crisis
Thirty-seven Senators and Twelve House members buried in avalanche of red tape in Washington DC.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
New Orleans Parade Readies
During Mardi Gras in New Orleans, everybody loves a parade. Especially, a topless parade. Especially, a female topless parade.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Human Remains Remain
Police say more human remains have been found on New York's Long Gone Island
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Immigrants Now Accepted
Immigrants trickling back to Ala despite crackdown...many with tattoos of banjos on their knees.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Came To See Waterfall
Every February Yosemite waterfall turns to lava. Most love this. However, there are some first time visitors that say that it "burns them up".
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Law Arm of the Law!
Internet expose site reveals that 98-year-old neighbor, Horace Boone, once got caught playing with himself in seventh grade in 1928.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Cracklin' Rose?
Bowling Green, Kentucky Pawn Shop customer tells owner he'll be back in a week for his George Foreman Grill. Takes $3 with him..just like every other Friday night.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Transistor Breakthrough
Physicists create a working transistor from a single atom, go blind.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Could Be Over-Crowding?
Bus runs off steep hill in India. One hundred and ninety-seven riders injured.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Crossing The Line?
Obama campaign adviser says Santorum crossed line...didn't say "May I?"
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Mexican prison riot deaths nowhere near Honduran prison fire victims
A Mexican prison came up way short this week when only 44 people died during a riot in the overpopulated Apodeca Prison. The overcrowded Comayagua Prison kicked ass when 359 died in a horrific blaze.
written by Lyndon, 20 February 2012
Alcohol abuse 'to kill 280,000 people over next 20 years'
Alcohol abuse 'to kill 280,000 people in 20 years' - but deaths are preventable.
"Oh, well as long they know about it?"
written by Inchcock, 20 February 2012
The world's most amazing car showroom
The most amazing car showroom on earth!
Daily Mail - Photo's
written by Inchcock, 20 February 2012
£10 just to sit in Olympic Park and watch the action on a big screen!
Spectators to be charged £10 just to sit in Olympic Park and watch the action on a big screen!
"Ah, but will the park be protected from the rioters?"
written by Inchcock, 20 February 2012
Nottingham police launch fresh appeal on 10-year-old murder!
David Draycott was shot dead on his driveway in Sutton-in-Ashfield in 2002.
"Oh good!"
written by Inchcock, 20 February 2012
Sarah Carmen (24): The Woman Who has 200 Orgasms every day!
She suffers from Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS).
"I have so much sex to try to calm myself, I get bored of it. Men I sleep with don't seem to make much effort because I climax so easily!"
written by Inchcock, 20 February 2012
Computer expert Daniel Smith - 21 & on the scrap-heap!
He fears he's left on the scrapheap at 21, after being turned down for more than 1,500 jobs.
Daniel, from Greater Manchester, left college with a IT qualification in 2009.
"Heartbreaking!"
written by Inchcock, 20 February 2012
Jesus Christ Dead So Long, Many Can't Remember His Face
After almost two millennia, many self-proclaimed associates of Jesus Christ are consumed with remorse after discovering they can no longer remember the face of the man they loved but never saw.
written by iKickComputers, 20 February 2012
Manchester record book merger
In an effort to beat the world record for most points in a season, Manchester City and Manchester United are merging their clubs into one single team. They currently lead the Premiership by 65 points.
written by Garry Lee, 20 February 2012
TV extension for Room 101
This week's episode of BBC's Room 101 has been postponed due to a lack of storage space caused by increasingly incessant guests. It will continue its current run once a larger space has been located.
written by Garry Lee, 20 February 2012
Retarded Walrus Drowns
A walrus born without the knowledge of how to swim promptly drowned in the mid-Atlantic earlier this day. An expert on walruses was reported saying "This was a really, REALLY, retarded walrus."
written by iKickComputers, 20 February 2012
Moyles axed live on Channel 4
Budget cuts at Channel 4 have led to the axing of Quiz Night host Chris Moyles. The live public execution will be broadcast next year as part of the popular series "Inside Nature's Giants".
written by Garry Lee, 20 February 2012
Dying Vegetable Slips Into Human-Like State
Parents consider pulling the roots.
written by Gregamemnon, 20 February 2012
"Friends"? Maybe!
Local man with 1874 friends on Facebook can't get anyone to loan him twenty bucks to get gas go to work tomorrow.
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
Ron Paul wins Maine although he'd never visit
Ron Paul gained 83 votes on Mitt Romney from Maine even though he's never been to or would ever visit Maine. George I and George II have a summer place there, but there aren't, like, any hotels there.
written by Lyndon, 20 February 2012
Prez Race Getting Weirder By The Day
Under pressure, Romney struggles for the right pitch. "I'm thinking about springing a knuckleball on 'em at the last minute. SPIT!!"
written by Bureau, 20 February 2012
