Took It About A Year
200-foot lizard washes ashore in California, apparently a victim of last year's nuclear disaster in Japan.
IF They Were Real!
Italian police seize $6 trillion of fake U.S. bonds...now worth over $6 billion dollars.
Man tries to evict 98-year-old mom from Conn. home. Has a hard time getting a specialist to remove walking cane from ass!
Latest On Iran Nukes
Iran poised for big nuke jump...especially if one accidentally goes off!
Gingrich On Low Turnouts
Gingrich: All those negative ads are the reason for low turnout. I think I'll quit running them.
Restaurant Review, with Fatima Leech
I had the pan-seared lungfish with bindweed parcels and a wormwood and cucumber coulis, while Dominic tried sea lamprey boiled alive in mole's bile served in a puddle of hare's-blood. The ambulance
Tulle Is The New Peregrine Worsthorne
The work of Giles Fromage gives prominence to floutes and feathered mabottes. The clinched prouffe, however, is the trademark of Jacques Mangetout, who studied under Gino Lanzarotti.
Eigenvectors Are The New Tuesday
Among the current projects of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable are a Linseed Baffle, a Clockwork Vicar-Scarer, Odourless Dung, an Anti-Mulatto Bezel and a Disposable Swing-Bin.
Sun On Sunday: Coming soon
Limerick-King Edward Lear "Wrote For Money" Claims Hessian-Underwear Heiress
Sheer size is the main stumbling block for anyone looking to erect a full-size replica of The Pyramid of Cheops in their front-garden. It's the main reason why there are so few of these around.
Beer Company Sues Laxative Company
A major beer company is suing a laxative company over their new slogan, "Great Waste, Less Filling!"
"Tim Rice Ate My Brushes" Claims Dorking Chimney-Sweep
Popular mountebank Tim Rice, currently working on a musical about the secret romance between Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha and The Duke of Wellington, enjoys masturbating too.
"He's At The Castle!"
Horrible monster created by Dr. Frankenstein forcing children to eat his sweetened, strawberry-flavored cereal for breakfast. Citizens out all night with torches.
Basking Shark Discovered In Eric Pickles
"I always rub Atkinson's Liniment behind my ears", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but it still keeps the pustules down!"
Popular Vote Brings Backlash
House Speaker Boehner bargains on payroll tax cut, now braces for fallout from conservatives going nuclear on his butt!
Harry Potter "Better Than Shakespeare" Claims Idiot
Cancerian gooseherds may struggle to earn a living these days. The same goes for Capricorn pargeters, while Aquarian eohippus-breeders were always going to be up against it.
Only Merciful Thing To Do?
Family of brain dead couple who have just passed watching 10,000 hours of Reality TV have plug pulled.
See Nyasaland In The Fall!
Dorking bachelor Dick Palmer was unable to find a wife so he made his own out of recycled Ombudsman parts. "She's environmentally-friendly and will help me complain about the potholes" he claims.
Emmeline Pankhurst's Cummerbund Obsession Is "Urban Myth"
Jehova's Witnesses a nuisance? Why not leave a week-old corpse on your doorstep? It works with unwanted relatives too, but you must have a good story for the Police.
"My copy of Dante's Divine Comedy makes an ideal bludgeon", claims Dorking wife-beater Kevin Twatte. "It's far weightier than anything by that cunt Jeffrey Archer."
Uranus Is The New Hitler
Sagittarian sackbut-repairers should beware of walruses. Librans need not fear bearded elkherds. If you are a Piscean troubador, you are in the wrong century.
Mexican Billionaire Reaches Out To Widows!
"A widow here, a widow there. It all adds up", states Juan Mendoza of Cancun.
Brazil plans giveaway of 3 million free condoms for Carnival. Not enough say revelers!
Latest On Economy
United States, E.U. say they are cautiously pessimistic about economies during 2012.
Houston Funeral News
Aretha Franklin to perform "Rock Steady" at Whitney Houston funeral today.
Last Of Famous Restaurant Chain To Close
Last of Columbia's Crack In The Box Restaurants to close later this year.
Gary Lineker says footballers shouldn't be paid more than nurses
No mention on the salary of crisp salesman in the Daily Mirror interview.
You Really Shouldn't Have!
The number one Valentines Day gift to girlfriends in Mount Ivy, Kentucky this year? Same as the last 20, a daisy in a beer bottle.
Price of Stamps Going Up!
Postal Service seeks 50-cent stamps, hoping to cut losses to only two billion dollars in 2012.
Pope to ordain 22 New Cardinals.
It's not yet been confirmed whether they will play in the NFL, the NBA or the more local Roma Serie Z Sunday Night Floodlit League.
More Jobs Right After Election!
White House predicts 2 million more jobs in 2012...2 million and 10 if you include the private sector.
Pope Appoints 22 New Cardinals
Also, thirteen Magpies, four Yellow-Bellied Sapsuckers and one Screech Owl!
Resolutions Gone Already
Survey shows that 95% of those who made New Year's resolution to eat more fiber have already eaten their words.
Little Known Fact
A new survey of Superheroes reveals that 95% of supervillians started their careers as politicians!
Women get handful of Presidential Butt in San Francisco!
$10,000 to grab President's butt replaces $10,000-A-Plate dinner as major fundraiser.
Witney Houston & DIY, Tied for Hits
The most popular search engine hits last week were Whitney Houston and DIY: How to convert your bathtub to a shower
written by JAB, 18 February 2012
Michelle Goes Skiing
Michelle Obama takes a ski vacation. This despite warning from ghost of Sonny Bono suddenly appearing on bathroom mirror.
Expert warns against 'dangerous' cuts to nuke arsenal!
"You start cutting one of those things and it could easily go off!", warns Nuke expert. "We probably should just move them out and set them off harmlessly in the desert."
Today's Health Tip
Today's Health Tip: Take Care of Your Skin...especially your foreskin for those who have one.
Gross ingredients found in everyday food!
Many supermarket breads contain L-cysteine, a protein made from dissolved human hair. Apparently we're all cannibals.
Wings Win 22nd, Wortham Overdoses on Chelie's Chili Dogs
Spoofer PM Wortham gigs on one too many chili dogs at Chelie's and pays the gaseous price at the Red Wings 22nd home win. Fans gave Wortham the stink eye. Wortham just gave them the stink.
written by P.M. Wortham, 18 February 2012
Khloe Kardashian on Sex Life!
Khloe Kardashian gives interview on 'active' sex life. "That's it for now", she tells reporters. "Gotta get on back and get at it."
'The Simpsons' reaches 500 episodes!
For the first time even, more adults watching TV cartoons than their children!
Yankees May Buy Out All Other Teams
New York Yankees sign top prospect by offering $200 million his first year. Deny that China actually owns 51% of team.
Obama New Motto
President Obama to change his 2008 motto from "Yes We Can" to "Yes We Canned...But It Could Be Worse!"
Paul To Cancel Huge Debt!
Ron Paul, candidate for US Presidency in 2012, promises to cancel US debt with China. "We saved their nuggets in WWII with Japan so now we're even."
Getting The Lead Out!
China VP visiting the US tells President they will quit sending lead in their products if US will get the lead out of their ass and pay off their huge debt with China.
Tax Bill Passed
US Congress ends bitter tax battle with bill passage. "But it was a bitter bill to swallow", says GOP spokesman.
Houston Funeral a Mitm Romney plot
Back home in Georgia, Gingnotsorich compains CNN have diverted their attention from the GOP primary race, just as he was hoping to get back on track.
"My ambitions have been frustrated!" he claimed.
written by Exislanda, 18 February 2012
Dutch society grinds to a halt as loony carnivalists get totally pissed and high!
Holland is in the grip of carnival fever and the whole place has ground to a halt. Dutch lunatis have stormed the town and city centres gay, pissed, fancy-dressed and very high; typical Dutch!
written by Jaggedone, 18 February 2012
Nazis gettin' ready to rumble
National Socialists, better known as Nazis, are stumping up for a tilt at the American Presidency. Their candidate, Reagan Clinton-Hitler III, is prepared to lie, cheat and deceive as is tradition.
written by whatinthe world, 18 February 2012
A herd of zebras have escaped from a zoo in Brighton. Police are seeking their recapture lest they frighten people into not using zebra crossings.
written by whatinthe world, 18 February 2012
Dog Adopted From Animal Shelter
seeks birth mother
written by Adam Click, 18 February 2012
Every time a politician visits, a "green" company dies!
written by Adam Click, 18 February 2012