Jon Voight In Hospital
Angelina Jolie says dad, Jon Voight, in hospital for checkup after repeatedly asking everyone, "Where's that Joe Buck?" and singing "Everybody's Talkin' 'Bout Me".
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Scaple Fight Injures Two
Fight between plastic surgeon and customer leaves both badly scarred after surgeon mistakenly gives client "George Bush" look instead of "George Clooney".
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Bigger Mess Than Chicago 1968?
Latest: Occupiers intend to jam up both Dem and GOP conventions by occupying all the bathroom stalls!
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
AC MIlan 4 Arsenal 0 (Champions League)
Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has said this is a cracking result as he is a big fan of Milan.
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
Warship "Gabby Giffords"
Naming warship after Gabby Giffords draws fire...uh, brings criticism! Sorry, that could have been better stated.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Rambler Receives Warning
Prolific naked rambler who terrified woman dog walker at remote spot gets caught after bumping into off-duty policeman. Judge: "But don't let me see your sorry arse in my court again."
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Production Line Hospitals
Our production line hospitals, by worried GPs: Family doctors say patients are being put at risk because of 'dangerously poor' care. "We have even found leeches literally filled with bad bacteria."
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Murder At The Vicarage
A murder at the vicarage? Police probe launched in quiet town after body found by builders. Lord Peter Wimsey runs over Miss Marple doddering around the highway. Suffers blow-out from crochet needles!
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Great Cola Taste
Factoid: Switching to diet drinks can help you shed 5% of your body weight in just six months. 95% after ten years, if simple burial.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Tottenham midfielder David Bentley is considering a move to Major League Soccer
Is he following David Beckham around?
* DB the 2nd scored the 1st hat-trick at the new Wembley for England Under 21s and was tipped to take Becks place in the full side before his career nosedived
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
Sammy Lee has joined Bolton for a third time, taking up the role of head of academy coaching.
"Third time lucky"
(fans hope)
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
BINGO!! HICCUP!!
Cheap booze to be outlawed: Cameron signals new crackdown in battle against bingo drinking. I'm sorry, that should be 'binge' drinking.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Odds & Ends
Jilted former City worker had kidnap kit, crossbow, Groucho mask, rubber chicken, whoopee cushion & turkey feathers in back of his van as he stalked ex-lover in 4-month campaign of bizarre harassment.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Alan Curbishley was excited today when linked with the vacant Wolves job.
"Curbs - Your Enthusiasm!"
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
Great Make-Up Make-Outs
Pudders Cosmetics has announced that, by buying their make-up, every woman can look like Angelina Jolly. Warns guys to always check for size of dates face. Next project: The 'George Clooney' look!
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Carlos Tevez returns to training with Man City
No word yet on whether he shook hands with Roberto Mancini.
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
Poor attendance at football match blamed on BBC
"Since the BBC redesigned their sports website all the bloody fixtures listings have moved!
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
Job Discrimination
'You won't be able to reach the syrups': Starbucks 'rejects job applicant - because he's only got one arm. Later finds job as a paper hanger.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Twitter rumours of Kim Jong Un death denied by North Korea
I mean if you say Kim Jong Un quickly, it doesn't even sound like Whit Knee Houston.
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
Police reopen case of Tim Westood shooting.
Police today revealed they are looking into the 1999 drive by shooting of Radio 1 DJ Tim Westwood. They said they are investigating if it was an Essential Selection or a Top 40 hit.
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
Ryan Giggs discusses his new one year contract at Man U
"Scholesy retired too early, but came back. I don't want to do the same. What would I do with all the spare time - join 'twitter' and chat to 'fans'?
* Or spend time with lawyers getting injuctions?
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
White House Meeting Update
President Obama immediately pulls out two empty front pockets before meeting with China VP.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Obama aims to eliminate corporate tax breaks, primarily for oil and gas companies.
Sounds like a lot of hot air to me!
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
Obama sets out election-year budget
"Free money! Free food! Free gas! FRee oil! Free energy!
Not really - but you know i would if i could"
written by radiogagger, 15 February 2012
Jokes Updated On Re-mastered Morecambe And Wise DVD
Ernie: What's a Grecian urn?
Eric: Nothing, the Greek economy's just collapsed.
written by Swan Morrison, 15 February 2012
World's Tiniest Chameleon
World's tiniest chameleon discovered in Fidel Castros beard. Tells friends he's leaving it there. "He's addicted to cigar smoke."
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
There's A Difference!
Anonymous assistant coach for Indianapolis Colts denies that he said that Peyton Mannings arm was like a wet noodle. "What I said was that his wet noodle was long as his arm."
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
U.S. Military Moves
President Obama stated today that U.S. warships are keeping a close eye on both the Straits and the Gays of Hormuz. "We're not taking any unnecessary chances."
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Could Be Worse
Newspaper depicts Merkel in Nazi uniform. "Better than picturing me OUT of a uniform", says German leader.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Some Mexican Drug Lords Worse Than Others
Mexican drug lords say they ALWAYS ask victim if he wants his head placed in a paper or plastic bag.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Cigarette Explodes!
Electronic cigarette blows up in man's face, knocks out 'all his teeth'. "I geeth itss bak tu dwawing bord", he tells reporters.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
"Obama Needs A Pair", Says Retired General
Obama weighing up to 80% cut in U.S. nukes. Conservatives argue that, should that happen, we'd only be able to destroy the earth a measly ten times over.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Priests Hire Hitmen
Colombian priests hired hitmen to kill themselves. "Like shooting fish in a barrel", says Hitman. "My reputation is gone!"
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
How To Undo?
Mormons apologize for posthumous Jewish baptism! "We confused 'Smith' with 'Goldsmith'", says Spokesman.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
"Linsanity" Continues!
'Linsanity' hits new level after clutch play! New NBA sensation hits clutch 120-foot 10-pointer from outside in car lot! Pulls out another win!
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Cruise Captain's Latest Excuse
Italian Cruise Captain of sunken cruise ship now claims that terrorists rearranged the seashore between his last two visits.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
ABC With Diane Sawyer
ABC Evening News program will devote ten minutes to two drawings of Whitney Houston, reportedly of a ducky & a horsey, that she drew as a child. Plus a man who saw her once in Central Park in 1991.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Oil Nazi Hits EU
Iran has told the EU, "No more oil for you. Go to the back of the line!"
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Theresa May's fat cats get bonuses
50+ fat cat Home Office bureaucrats bagged bonuses of up to £45,000 last year just for doing their jobs, it emerged yesterday.
"The nepotistic swine's in Government make me want to... oh never mind!"
written by Inchcock, 15 February 2012
SHOCK: Jeremy Clarkson & Richard Hammond Thrown out of Top Gear
Complaints about bad language used in Sunday's episode of Top Gear have resulted in the sacking of Clarkson and Hammond. From now on, the show will be presented by the Stig and James May who is too posh!
written by IN SEINE, 15 February 2012
Oliver Stone's Son Converts to Islam in Iran
Fars news agency in Iran have reported that Sean Stone, son of film director, Oliver Stone, has become a Shi'ite. Although they are probably right, we find this news a bit Fars fetched!
written by IN SEINE, 15 February 2012
La Spoofadore
La Spoof a door just another big blow hole South of the boarder?
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 15 February 2012
Motorbike thefts in UK have dropped!
Motorbike thefts have dropped in the UK, to about 24,000 per year, but at least 65% are never recovered.
"Good news?"
written by Inchcock, 15 February 2012
India village moved for tigers!
An Indian village has been moved so tigers can roam in their natural; AND RIGHTLY SO!
written by unknown
Two pop legends roll back into the Charts!
Sir Paul McCartney, 69, and Sir Mick Jagger (68)!
"Oh good... will that help me pay my utility bills at all?"
written by Inchcock, 15 February 2012
13th Feb 2012: UK Unemployment likely to worsen!
According to The Chartered Institute of Personnel Development.
"Did we need an Institute to tell us this?"
written by Inchcock, 15 February 2012
Ozzy Osbourne Advertising Colonoscopies
In a promotion with CBS, the winner gets three nights in NYC & a free colonoscopy. As Ozzy says, "You've got to be an arsehole to win, mate."
written by JAB, 15 February 2012
Iran's Day Coming!
Israel: Decision On Iran Attack To Be Made 'By Summer'..."Nuclear Winter at the latest", says P.M.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Ahmadinejad Shows Off!
Ahmadinejad to reveal new nuke facilities...invisible things that follow him around day and night.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Myrl Streep Performance Top Notch!
Meryl Streep Loses Shoe Onstage! But does such a brilliant performance of a two-shoed person, no one notices!
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Gingrich Losing It?
Gingrich announces faith 'dream team' with Chuck Norris. "Then, I'm thinking, Clint Eastwood! Maybe even, Yosemite Sam!"
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
News Anchor Injured
News anchor bitten by dog received 70 stitches in face, terrible tongue-lashing!
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Hard Times Hit U.S.
The average worker will get about $20 a week thanks to an agreement between House and Senate leaders. "$20 ain't much but these are hard times for all of us", say spokesmen for both parties.
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Mad Bomber
Police: Iranian Man Blows Off Legs, Kok, In Bangkok Blast!
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
Zurich Most Expensive
Zurich Is World's Costliest City...Mayor proclaims "You decide to buy this town, you'll be needing a pretty penny, Mr. Moneybags!"
written by Bureau, 15 February 2012
