Middleton's Minge
Liz Jones and Rachel Johnson are to debate Kate Middleton's pubic topiary on Newsnight ahead of her big day. Landing strip, brazilian or full vayjazzle kit? Join the debate!
written by Holy-Mary, 14 March 2011
Glacier Mint Stars In Suicide Pact
Terry Fox and Mike Polar Bear,the original stars of the Fox's Glacier Mint Empire have both been found dead in their New York Penthouse.
A friend said 'They were worried about their rent payments.'
written by Mr Goster, 14 March 2011
Do...do...do...do
Rod Serling and George Carlin were seen together...Rod was telling George that he was still in "the zone."
written by wittman jack, 14 March 2011
Mr Magoo Fails Eye Test
Famous Hollywood Cartoon Character Mr Magoo failed his eye test today for the 40th year running.
'They really are the worst set of Mince Pies I've ever seen,' said Eye specialist Cockney Dave.
written by Mr Goster, 14 March 2011
Ageing popstar in catastrophic nervous breakdown
After 50 years in showbusiness, "Mr Nice Guy" of pop, Sir Cliff Richard, was today admitted to the Priory Clinic looking distraught after finally realising that he actually has very little talent.
written by attilathehungry, 14 March 2011
Nuclear Power Boosted
The experience of Japan's nuclear disaster has encouraged a move towards the nuclear option. Iran's Dinner Jacket is planning a plant near an Opposition stronghold. Gaddafi wants one in Benghazi.
written by j.w., 14 March 2011
Clegg All Alone
Nick Clegg admitted that he was the sole surviving member of the Lib Dems. It is true that he has got his own support but that is wavering as he sees his descent into a soulless world coming close.
written by j.w., 14 March 2011
Snake bites tit and dies of silicone poisoning!
On a live Spanish telly show an Israeli nude model attempted to give a snake a lick; the snake bit her tit and died of a silicone overdose, she is now being accused of snake slaughter and bestiality!
written by unknown
Cheltenham Faces Race-Fix Suspicion
After Festival jockeys say, 'We'll be taking plenty of kickbacks.'
written by pinxit, 14 March 2011
First a financial meltdown now a nuclear meltdown, are the Japanese to blame?
First we had the man-made financial meltdown, now we have a nuclear meltdown caused by nature, or? Were the Japanese to blame for both meltdowns, ask the USA, they know all the answers?
written by unknown
Cinderella filing for divorce
Cinderella is filing for divorce. She is quoted as saying, "All that prince does is sit around playing video games all day long. He's turned into a right Chav. and totally ignores me."
written by unknown
Old woman puts all children up for adoption
The old woman who lives in a shoe is admitting she can't handle the kids anymore and has put them up for adoption. Madonna has apparently got her eye on six of them. Brad Pitt's thinking it over.
written by unknown
Mary, Mary quite contrary comments on her garden
Tired of planting, weeding and watering, Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, has hired contracters to dig up her garden and install a kidney-shaped, in-ground pool ready for summer.
written by unknown
Three Blind Mice get laser eye surgery
Laser eye surgery performed on the three blind mice, was a complete success. They're now looking for the farmer's wife. They were last seen carrying small machettes and heading for a farm.
written by unknown
Jack' bought a mountain climbing helmet for going up hills
Sick of breaking his crown, Jack has finally taken the advice of many sportsmen, hockey players, mountain climbers, cyclists and so on. He's bought a helmet for hill-climbing but didn't get Jill one!
written by unknown
Humpty Dumpty decides to get hard-boiled
This way, everytime he fall off a wall he'll be much easier to fix, with a bit off Polyfilla or masking tape.
written by unknown
Apathy Calendar
Apathy Inc have finally published their 2011 calendar. Every page is blank. "We couldn't be bothered filling it in," Tom Uchtodo. "Besides, our members never use it. If they can be arse buying one."
written by IainB, 14 March 2011
Worldwide web located after frantic search!
A tearful single mum in Milford Keynes has confessed that it must have been "lack of parental controls" that allowed her ten year old son Dyson to download the entire internet......
written by attilathehungry, 14 March 2011
Daily Mail - no surprises there
We NEVER get main delivered on Saturdays.
written by unknown
I Took My Daily Look into The Mirror this morning
No change! It was still ME looking back at myself.
written by unknown
PM Courting Trouble!
David Cameron is to appear at the European Court of Human Rights following complaints by Student Union officials that he used his "forces" against his own people during recent "fees" demonstrations.
written by iscrivener, 14 March 2011
Queen Mugger is Mad Old Cow!
Enraged 'Daisy', an elderly Friesian cow, attacked guitarist Brian May and ate his wallet when he walked into her field.
written by pinxit, 14 March 2011
Tennyson Poem For London 2012
A Tennyson poem is to be used to inspire the UK at London 2012.
The quote will be placed on the door of the team's hotel.
It will read :
"This gig cost £900 million. Don't feckin' blow it".
written by grimbo, 14 March 2011
Japanese Tsunami Brings In A Flood of Spoof News Stories
Quite a load of garbage to clean up.
written by Hawking's Chair, 14 March 2011
Trick birthday cake candle technology to power 2015 Toyota Prius
Cutting out gasoline all together Toyota boasts a 500 mile per CANDLE average with the self renewing fuel source. Unfortunately this also makes coming to a stop impossible.
written by Randy Sandhofer, 14 March 2011
Presidential hopeful to run on new platform
The platform he previously had been jogging on was so 2008.
written by Randy Sandhofer, 14 March 2011
Department of Justice Lawsuit
The first lady Michelle Obama is on an anti-obesity campaign in the USA. Meanwhile, a group of obese ladies is asking the DOJ to bring a civil rights suit against the Obama administration!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
The Price of Freedom
Freedom loving Americans say they are willing to pay $10 for a gallon of gasoline if the Saudi Arabian monarchy is overthrown by in-country pro-democracy protesters!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Lip Service Only Press Conference
President Obama pussy-foots around saying we need to drill for domestic oil in deep water by saying all sources of domestic production must be increased. Can't offend his rabid environmentalist base!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
The Obama Administration Talent Pool
President Kennedy had the "best and the brightest" for advisors. President Obama has the worst and the dumbest as exemplified by U.S. Director of National Intelligence James Clapper's latest gaff!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
UN Wants More Money
UN issues study number 271,462 predicting that melting icecaps will cause a large change in sea level inundating coastal cities, pretty soon. Rabid US environmentalists sell popsicles to raise funds!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
France Speaks
French President Sarkozy spoke of targeted military action if Gadhafi used chemical weapons against the Libyan rebels. Will the USA, EU & NATO wait 5 years before acting, as occurred in Bosnia?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Cowboy Poets
Democratic Senate Majority Leader Reid loves "cowboy poets" that's why federal money is needed for the arts. Yep, Harry is the rear end of the cowboy's horse with a foot in his mouth!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Can You Spot the Moron?
ENVIRONMENTALIST 1: Wind power is green, renewable and can be generated by wind farms off the US east coast. ENVIRONMENTALIST 2: No you might hurt the seagulls, fishes and destroy the view!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Overheard at a Car Dealership
We need a new car because of increasing gasoline prices. We want a car that gets 27 mpg, vice the current 26 mpg. ($300 per month new car payments verses $750 per year increased cost for gasoline!)
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Dog Gone
A 7 year old Maryland girl is in serious condition after being attacked by a pit bull. Yet, Maryland's Legislature is considering letting people bring their dogs to restaurants with outdoor tables!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
The I's Have It
The liberal left Obama administration received the most votes for being ideological, indecisive, incompetent, ineffectual, inept, ill-equipped & impotent in dealing with USA domestic & foreign issues!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Selective Left Wing Outrage
Democratic left upset over Congressional hearings into the radicalization of young US Muslims. They ignore radical violent young US Muslims sponsoring anti-Israel rallies on US college campuses!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
