Cheryl Cole to star in new Geordie police show
Its called Ha-wi-i five ou
written by Les Being, 27 June 2011
Kate Moss becomes 'Kate who?'
Kate Moss turned away by burly security guards as she tries to get backstage at Glastonbury. "Kate who?"
Not as good as Niagara Falls!
Anyone pronouncing 'Wimbledon' - 'Wimpleton' - to be fined.
This mispronunciation is widely used across Canada and some of the United States. It is not to continue. If you hear ANYONE-especially newscasters-mispronoucing it-report them. This is disgusting.
Mark Lowton nominated for Pride of Britain Award
NO THIS IS NOT AN AWARD GIVEN TO GAYS ONLY!
Man with one leg (right size 9) looking for man with one leg (left size 9)
Man with one leg (right size 9) looking for man with one leg (left size 9)to go shopping in the Shoe Sales.
Ten policemen change a light bulb
It took two to nick it, and eight to help fit it up
written by Les Being, 27 June 2011
Andy Murray Mugged by Wombles
Andy Murray was attacked by 6, six-foot Wombles this evening on Wimbledon Common as he walked away from his fourth round victory against Richard Gasquet a police spokesman said this evening.
Now it' s Jane Norman
First it was Focus, then it was Habitat that went into administration. Now it's Jane Norman - I wonder who will be NEXT?
Bringing the Boys Back Home Is No Longer A Public Ceremony
Royal Wooton Bassett may no longer be allowed to hold ceremonial parades of those servicemen killed in Afghanistan. "in case" it brings shame on Muslims.
Margaret Thatcher's Handbag Is Expected to Realise Millions
A handbag which once belonged to Margaret Thatcher is expected to sell for millions of pounds. Particularly as it is rumoured to be bombproof and contain the title deeds to the Falkland Islands.
Parents of students be warned, "Hurricane Semester Holidays" is blowing in!
Parents who thought they had seen the back of their student sprosslings beware, "Hurricane Semester Holidays" is on it's way, don't forget to board up the windows, doors and change all the locks!
written by Jaggedone, 27 June 2011
England women soccer players prove that the men are just "Pussies"!
The England's womens footy team got a great start at the World Cup against Mexico, they went one up; something the men never do proving that a team of "pussies" are much better than male pussies!
written by Jaggedone, 27 June 2011
Kings Speech II
After the success of the Kings Speech film a follow up is planned for Prince Charles when he steps into his mother's shoes. Residents of Cromwell Road will remove Charles head so that he cannot mumble
written by j.w., 27 June 2011
Now Those Were Some Real Honest-To-Goodness "Hot" Potatoes
U.S. Customs Agents seized a shipment of 3,000 pounds of counterfeit Idaho Potatoes that were headed from Mexico to the U.S. The authorities said the potatoes looked normal but tasted like jalapeños.
Sarah Palin - The Woman With Gunpowder In Her Veins
Sarah "Shotgun" Palin was asked if there were any animals that she had not shot. She thought for a moment and replied that she had not shot a unicorn, a giraffe, or a sperm whale.
Yoko Ono Puts It All On Paul
Yoko Ono reveals in her latest book that Paul McCartney actually broke up the Beatles when John, George, and Ringo refused to change the name Beatles to Paul McCartney & The Beatles.
Iowa Will Not Put Up With Smut Peddling
The extremely conservative state of Iowa has just banned the use of the term slip of the tongue as being much too sexually suggestive.
Cure for Alzheimer's Comes from Wimbledon
"REMEMBER, YOU'RE A WOMBLE!"
UFOs Ruin Wayne Rooney's Haircut by Leaving Crop Circles at Glastonbury
Mysterious crop circles have appeared on Wayne Rooney's newly grown thatch following camping at Glastonbury's music Festival. "An invasion of UFOs could be to blame." Say scientists.
Mystery Still Surrounds Glastonbury Death
Following the death of David Cameron's only friend, Christopher Shale, doctors do not know whether it was the music or the call from Downing Street that caused a massive heart attack or suicide.
Hydra Inasion of Swindon Narrowly Averted
Residents of Swindon had a lucky escape yesterday after a UFO crash landed full of Hydras on a health tourism trip.
written by Alex99, 27 June 2011
Rabid environmentalist passes gas during a Church service, blames the odor on global warming!
The president is to change his name to Barackis Obamalopolis, as the US economy is becoming like Greece's. American voters in the 2012 US elections could deliver a riotous no-confidence vote!
Increased Mileage Breakthrough
New foreign luxury automobile gets increased gas mileage by avoiding stops. The bucket seats also serve as toilet seats connected to a holding tank. Automatic toilet paper dispenser is an option!
Karl and Ben have been neighbors for 50 years. A continuing topic of conversation has been whether a president could ever be elected who knows nothing about the components of the US economy!
EPA Lack of Altruism
The EPA has received funding cuts for the 2011 budget. Amazingly previously important water purification projects and bay cleanup projects funding were sacrificed to keep the EPA staff intact!
"Fast and Furious"
The US Senate is furious and asks President Obama to nominate someone to head the ATF, fast. The individual must also not be dumber than a box of rocks!
Early commuter train passenger cars didn't have air conditioners, but windows that opened. Today's commuter train passenger cars have air conditioners that break down and windows that don't open!
Send More Money
UN desires a world treaty defining the countries that will shoot down dangerous asteroids in the next 60 years. This effort would match the UN's achievements towards world peace in the last 60 years!!
What's a Few Zeros More or Less
The Democratic left wing clamors to spend the billions of dollars saved by bringing the troops home from Afghanistan and Iraq on US infrastructure. Unfortunately it will take trillions of dollars!
The Democratic left wing would spend the billions of peace dividend dollars on US infrastructure. Republican code breakers believe "infrastructure" means "social programs!"
Worry About the Corrupt Politicians
Federal government employees have their faults. But why single them out for running side businesses on their own time, especially if they are not using government property!
New Vice Presidential Candidate for Job Creation
Former Democratic President William J. Clinton (42) has just published a Newsweek article "14 WAYS TO PUT AMERICA BACK TO WORK." Americans are asking who the other man is sleeping in the White House.
Democratic Job Creation Approaches
Pres. Roosevelt formed the CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps) during the great depression. The Obama administration uses a PPPPP (Political Piss Poor Planning Process) during the great recession!
Stating the Obvious
DNC Chairman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-FL) claims Republicans discriminate against women. She's probably right as she and Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) probably wouldn't be invited to join the GOP!
Not Too Brilliant an Idea
Rabid environmentalists demand water/soda bottles, cell phones and laptop computer cases be made of toilet paper, vice plastic, for easier recycling!
Smoke, Mirrors and Newspeak
Rabid environmentalists threaten to sue railroads, using solid waste laws, over particles contained in Diesel smoke. Countersuit may claim the only solid waste is between the environmentalist's ears!
Presidential Political News
GOOD NEWS: American troops are coming home from Afghanistan. BAD NEWS: The USA may have to send them back again in five years!
A new study finds that in the majority of Republican conservative families, children believe that President Obama's first name is Clueless!
Another FDA Warning Label
FDA indicates that silicone breast implants could cause health hazards to women. A new warning label will be affixed to the implants stating "PHONY TITS MAY POSE A RISK!"
MR/MRS USA: Doctor I have this constant pain that seems to be around my neck, in my pants and everywhere. DOCTOR: Don't worry it's curable and can be reversed on November 6, 2012!
Dear Dr. Einstein:
Since you do not currently have a job, this firm cannot possible hire you for…………………………..
President Obama's rise in Democratic politics is similar to the story about the inexperienced mail room clerk who marries the boss's daughter and is promoted to an executive position!
High School Literacy Requirements
High school seniors in Maryland will have to be literate on environmental matters to graduate. However, many graduating high school seniors are not literate in reading, writing and arithmetic!