Tea Party Gets Down to Business!
Washington - The newly elected Tea Party members get down to the important business of saving incandescent light bulbs.
written by Cal Jennings, 23 November 2010
Leaded Toys For All Good Girls & Boys
Consumer groups warn of holiday hazard from deadly toys, especially from the Chinese Santa.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Vatican Promotes 26
At the Vatican Sunday, the Pope promoted 24 new Cardinals and a couple of Peckerwoods!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Condoms For All!
Vatican: Everyone can use condoms to prevent HIV, even monks, priests!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Three unidentified politicians held at Dulles Airport
"We can confirm, that three male politicians are being detained, after a full-body scan detected pork and earmarks on their shorts," was the only comment made by an airport security official.
written by JAB, 23 November 2010
Paris Hilton turns heads at LAX
"Having lost my cell phone three times in the past year, I'm not taking any chances," was her response to the strange looks she got from TSA security after going through the full-body scan.
written by JAB, 23 November 2010
Hillary Clinton goes through full-body scan to alleviate people's concerns
An official was overheard saying, "Man, she's got balls." It wasn't known whether he said it before or after she went through the scan.
written by JAB, 23 November 2010
RuPaul spotted at the Jackson-Evers International Airport in Mississippi
After going through the full-body scan, one TSA woman was heard to gasp, "Lordy, he is all M-A-N!!"
written by JAB, 23 November 2010
Monica Lewinsky detained at Miami International Airport
Officials would only comment, "We detected five Cuban cigars when Ms.Lewinsky went through the full-body scan."
written by JAB, 23 November 2010
"Gee Wally, They Gave Me An Award!"
An embarrassment for the AMA Awards Sunday night when Justin Bieber actually won 5 awards but came out with four. It seems that a member of the audience, Jerry Mathers, left with the fifth one.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
The Geezer Bandit
An old man they call "The Geezer Bandit" has been holding up banks in San Diego. He tells the teller to hand over her money or he'll begin showing her 500 pictures of his first great-grandchild.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
"I Knew It Was Something!"
George W. Bush in his new book, Direction Points, forgets to mention the war in Iraq.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Thank YOU MUCH!
Of all times for Justin Bieber's voice to change, why did it have to happen in his acceptance speech for his fourth award Sunday Night? Sounded like he was suddenly possessed.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Dead Nazi Won't Be Tried
A Nazi suspect indicted on charges of involvement in the murders of 430,000 Jews at Belzec death camp has died in Germany aged 89 before he was to go to trial. That's 65 years of appeals.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Then A Quick Nap
Increase of number of layovers blamed on heated pat-downs.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Today's Odds From Bookies
Vampire books outnumber werewolf books 20-1 while 15-1 against zombies, 20,000-1 over Bernie Madoff.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Then Used For Compost
Tipper Gore states that Al Gore using tree bark in the bathroom for toilet tissue was the last straw.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
A Little More Patience Please
Pentagon: Next twenty years will be the key to winning in Afghanistan!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
A Pinch Of This, A Dab Of That!
Emiril Lagasse on Good Morning America says that he always uses a pinch of ground Mussolini to top all his homemade pizzas!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
No Bad Memories?
Breakthrough Pill to block out the bad memories! Like that blind date you had last month.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Swiss Change Slogan
The Swiss Alps have changed their slogan to "The Best Place In The World To Break A Leg With Free Beer & Yodeling Contests".
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Don't We Know You?
In Oldham yesterday, detectives who raided the house of a suspected drug-dealer found cocaine, cash - and an off-duty policewoman inside.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Not Mentioned In Infomercial
Japanese makers of Ginsu Knives say their product is so sharp it will cut anything but a fart!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
A Wicked Tongue
Bishop who said 'shallow' William and Kate's marriage would fall apart within seven years has been suspended, as the Bishop said to TheSpoof.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Canadian fast food fatties score hit on U Tube!
U Tube has 3 new heroes, fast food fatties from Canada devouring a 5 thousand calorie pizza and more, skinnies watching should put their fingers down their throats!
written by unknown
"Did You Hear The One About Putin?"
FUN AND GAMES: White House speechwriter set to moonlight as stand-up comedian. Embarrassed Obama by giving him the wrong script at recent conference.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Scientists at Oxford University claim dogs are quite smart
Finally, puts to rest why Camilla is smarter than Prince Charles.
written by JAB, 23 November 2010
Protection For Sharks
Experts demand better protection for sharks, as Bernie Madoff attacked in his sleep once again.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Still, Better Than The Year Before
UN: Emission pledges fall short of climate target by 99%!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Minnesota Vikings Were Fed Up With Childress
Sources close to the Vikings now say it was the coach's catering service menu requirements that were responsible for the team's poor performance this season. Negotiations with McDonalds are rumored.
written by Lightning, 23 November 2010
Tea Party Taking Over Tea Vee?
Predictably, Tea Party members deny a conspiracy to help Bristol Palin on 'Dancing with the Stars'. Predictably, someone will accuse the Tea Party of anything they can.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Dalai Gives Up Ceremonial Duties
Dalai Lama wants to give up ceremonial duties and will do so in a ceremony early next year!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Housing Down
Home sales dip 2.2 percent in October. No one wants to purchase a dipping house!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Dips Out Of Luck
Home sales dip 2.2 percent in October. Dips moving away from selling real estate.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Imposter Poses As Taliban Negotiator
Man involved in Afghan talks said to be impostor as soon as they see Mrs. Salahi.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Terrorist Sweep
Belgium: 11 detained in 3-nation anti-terror sweep, finding explosives in their brooms.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Yeonpyeong!
North Korea Fires on Island of Yeonpyeong! And that's exactly what it sounded like!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Gridlock?
Impact of midterm elections? Most Americans bet on gridlock until a new president turns everything back around.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Why Moderate Alcohol Good For You
Scientists learn why moderate alcohol use can be good for you but haven't sobered up enough to explain yet.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
They Told Me This Was A Stock Market
Stocks head to lower open after Korean conflict, EU debt and some poor farmer misunderstanding letting three cows get loose on the floor.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Irish Know How to Crash a Party in Europe
The Irish know how to crash a party, and this time their party crashing ways are slowing economic growth in Europe. The Irish blame banks for giving them free whiskey with every bad loan they made.
written by UWGB-Beek, 23 November 2010
Kim Kardashian Doesn't Believe in Sloppy Seconds
Kim Kardashian claims she doesn't like sloppy seconds because she needs to feel special; even if almost every male in the world nows what she looks like naked.
written by UWGB-Beek, 23 November 2010
Bishop Who Claims Royal Wedding a Joke -- Loses Job
Bishop Broadbent claims the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate won't last and it's a joke lost his job when his boss, the Queen, fired him for going against her family.
written by UWGB-Beek, 23 November 2010
Vampire Fans Can't Sleep During Day, Anymore
Vampire fans can't sleep during the day, because of rumors that Buffy the Vampire Slayer will be coming out of retirement with a new movie.
written by UWGB-Beek, 23 November 2010
Both Turkeys Pardoned?
Rangel and White House Turkey could both be pardoned Wednesday.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Date Of Royal Wedding Given
Prince William and Kate Middleton to wed April 29 at Westminster Abbey, royal household announces, earlier if WWII begins.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
American Indians Already
'Half of Americans' Facing Diabetes by 2020. Meds for Diabetes stock makes stock jump.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Bill Clinton Likable!
Bush 41 and Barbara: 'You can't dislike Bill Clinton. He's very likable'...Our son is not speaking to us.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Fun & Games
FUN AND GAMES: White House speechwriter set to moonlight as stand-up comedian. WWIII starts in Koreas.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Just Fire It Anyway!
REPORTS: Technical woes halt some Iran nuclear machines, especially after Israeli computer attacks.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Trains, Subways Next?
Are Trains and Subways Next For Searches? "Hope not", says worker. "Some of those guys wear up to ten pairs of pants."
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
White House Wants Searches Continued
White House Fights Back: Terrorists Have Discussed Use of Prosthetics to Conceal Explosives. "If one went of we'd not have a leg to stand on."
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Koreans Going At It!
S. Korea denies seeking redeployment of U.S. tactical nuclear weapons but tells US not to stray far.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
NKorea Attacks SKorea
NKorea's military command vows 'merciless' military strike against SKorea. Japan, US Navy on alert.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Better Sell The House & Get One
Nissan Leaf runs equivalent of 99 miles per gallon and only costs about $40,000.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Unhappy About Sex
Middle-aged Americans unhappy about sex, especially those still living with parents.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Small Bump Still There
Small bump expected in economic growth in Q3 as Wall Street jumper still in the road.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
50% Obese!
Arizona school district sends letters home about overweight kids. Blocking up halls so bad everyone is late to class.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Ready For 2012 Elections?
First ads of 2012 GOP presidential fight going up in Iowa. Placing them over 2000 and 1998 posters.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Watch The Skies
Forecasters warn of buzzards in Washington state. Sorry, should be blizzard.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Swap Shop
Pilot transplant project aims to spur kidney swaps at local farmer's markets.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Skip The Monkey Pat-Downs
TSA pat-down leaves pet monkey traveler and TSA employee covered in shit.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Call Me Lama!
Dalai Lama 'to retire' from government-in-exile role' after swear-in today.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Disaster In Cambodia
Cambodia festival stampede leaves nearly 380 dead. Leaders told to call off next year's festival stampede!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
High In Lockups!
Juvenile lockups high in Kentucky. Officials think friends are smuggling in drugs.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
NBA Lockout!
NBA's Hunter is 99 percent sure a lockout looms for pro basketball. WWIII begins in Koreas?
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Kids Do Better W/O Meds
Kids' ER visits fell after cold medicines' removal. Were side effects worse than colds?
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
First Things First
Rivers throws 4 TD passes in 35-14 Chargers win. WWIII starts.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Portugal Is Next
Portugal prepares to be market focus after Ireland. Other countries ask to join EU so they can be bailed out.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Oil Rig Victims Kin Protest
AP Enterprise: Rig victims' kin feel left out. "Doesn't human lives outweigh oiled birds, fish and coast sand?"
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Tea Party Is For It
Should Pluto Be a Planet After All? Experts Weigh In. Plutonian lobby efforts helping.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
WW III?
NKorea fires artillery onto SKorean island, 2 dead. World War Three begins. Palin Wins Dancing contest.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Plane Passenger Pissed
TSA pat-down leaves Mich. man covered in urine. Being pissed on has other passengers angry.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Feds Raid Hedge Funds
Feds turn up heat on Wall St., raid 3 hedge funds. Found them to be more "moneytrees" than hedges.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Obama Still Catching Blame
Auto industry success a hard sell for White House. But the long term results turn voters against Obama.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Dems and Republicans Agree To Ignore The Deficit
In a rare show of unity, both parties agreed to let the nation hurtle toward bankruptcy. Releasing a joint statement, they said "Plenty of talk, but no painful choices. That's what people want."
written by kslaught, 23 November 2010
Irish Bad Debt Gamble Fails Again
Hopes of saving the Irish economy failed today when Lazy Tinker pulled up after leading the Paddy Power Handicap Chase this afternoon. "There's still Eurobillions" said Finance Minister Brian Lenihan.
written by Ron Smith, 23 November 2010
TSA announces the hiring of Santas
The uproar over the patting down of children has prompted the TSA to hire Santas to help with security. The kids will get to sit on Santa's lap, and he'll find out if they've been naughty or nice.
written by Juvenal Delinquent, 23 November 2010
North and South Korea test their pea-shooters!
North and South Korea have shot at each other with their pea-shooters. The reason: the North accused the South of kidnapping their dogs, a delicacy in Korean cuisine, the south denied it, woof, woof!
written by unknown
Tea Party Questions Presley's Patriotism
"Why just a blue Christmas? What about red & white?" rant party brass.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
Breaking...
Other journo's scoop goes here whilst we frantically work the phones...
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
Developing...
Unconfirmed rumours too good to pass up go here.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
Wee price fixing scandal?
News of the World pursuing claims unusually corrupt leprechauns behind spikes in gold price. Daily Mail and readers shocked and appalled by disgusting, greedy short people.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
Harriet Harman: William Missed My Hints
Ex-Minister for Spoiling All the Fun admits she'd have chucked it all to become Queen.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
"I genuinely did not understand I am not a sovereign nation."
News of the World dupes Sarah Ferguson into seeking EU bailout.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
No charges as FBI raids hedge fund offices
Anemic economy blamed for lack of progress in screwing investors.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
Royal Wedding Off?
Middleton considering postion after realizing she is not a contestant on "I'm A Celebrity..."
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
"Can't get much more miserable than that!"
Wills and Kate seek to avoid downhill slide of Charles and Diana by starting life together in Wales.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
Beggars Can be Choosers
New poll shows 95% of Irish credit leprechauns for providing bail out funds.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
British Constitutional Experts Confess
'truth be told we make it up as we go. Otherwise it doesn't pay terribly well.'
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
Lanky Daniel Day-Lewis to Play Lincoln
Susan Boyle tapped for Mary Todd.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
The similarities end here
Middleton declines summer holiday on garish yacht with bonus trip to Paris.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
Pope says he could resign if his health fails
No mention of logic or morality.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
New Constitutionally Sound Thinking is Required
When is the USA going to stop using 19th Century laws to solve 21st Century problems? For example playing cops and robbers leading to TSA invasive screening & tickets/fines for texting while driving!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 November 2010
Americans have Lost Patience with Karsai
Karsai indicates Afghans losing patience in war! Pres. Obama we Americans have lost patience with Karsai's corruption, so how about bringing US combat troops home & let US covert forces do the job?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 November 2010
California Bureaucrats to Remove Toxins in Products
Chemicals are to be guilty until proven innocent! Some household adhesives were very good until the liberals banned ingredients that made them stick, as toxic. Now these products are worthless.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 November 2010
What do we do now?
Yanks to experience identity crisis if WikiLeaks actually does post 3 million U.S. secrets.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
Fourth Amendment Rights (Search & Seizure)
Mr. TSA Director, as an American citizen what part of "I don't want anyone touching my body, don't you understand?" See you at the Supreme Court sonny!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 November 2010
A Shortage of Invasive Full Body Scanners
A TSA screener (Dr. Mengele) was seen waving people to the left for an enhanced pat down or to the right to go to their airplane, after they emerged from the existing airport metal detector equipment.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 November 2010
Obama and Social Conservative Republicans Don't Get It!
Federal/state elections were about the economy/jobs, e.g. less spending, taxes & regulation; not abortion, same sex marriage or gays in the military. Obama & the GOP are headed for history's dustbin!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 November 2010
Irish Shrug Off Bailout
Poll shows 90% prefer a drink and a nice chat over solvency.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
Ring of truth...
Chelsy Davy changes Facebook status to Also Ran.
written by Catherine the Average, 23 November 2010
No Global Warming
Hundreds of scientists say that global warming is a myth. "We have to come up with something or other every few years or everyone would ignore us."
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
No Gate-Crashers This Time
President Obama said today that he was going to be more careful about his state dinners and not allow those gate-crashers, Mr. & Mrs. Joe Biden in this time.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Sir Paul McCartney
Sir Paul McCartney says that his last few weeks with his former wife Heather were rough. "I would always be just sitting there, waiting for the other shoe to drop."
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Super Bowl Halftime
Due to cutbacks this year, the February Super Bowl halftime show only a TV warning for kids and the a parade of NFL cheerleaders with one boob hanging out!
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Security Searcher Fired
New York City Kennedy Airport fires security searcher for continued goosing incidents.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Now Watch This Five Minutes Closely
International chess championships to begin having instant replays.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
Give An Arm & A Leg
In Bear Wallow, Kentucky, the long arm of the law finally caught up with some local bootleggers.
written by Bureau, 23 November 2010
