Satellite spots white dwarf
WISE orbiting telescope spots actor Verne Troyer lathering up in shower through bathroom window. Scientists quickly adjust settings, point telescope back out into space.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
No time for fiber?
"I'd like to get more fiber in my diet, but who has time?" asks woman. Spends next ten minutes choking down a glassful of artificially flavored Metamucous while her kid makes a PB & J on whole wheat.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
Easy Mistake To Make
The fossil skeleton known as Ardi has now drawn critics who dispute claims that the species lived in dense woodlands or that it is a member of the human lineage. "Not unless humans had 4 legs!"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
And Who Will Win the Bony Award??
LA, CA - CreamWorks Pictures, a subsidiary of DreamWorks, LLC, announces its top three money-grossing porn films so far in 2010: "Anal Lana," "Chesty Doubledee's Big Tit Circus" and, "Slut-tasia."
written by Geneva Slim, 27 May 2010
"HERE, SHERRY! HERE, BRANDY!"
LONDON - The Royal Corgis are missing! Scotland Yard reports, "We've learned that the Duchess of York recently bought 14 pet carriers, so there may be a connection. The poor, little buggers!"
written by Geneva Slim, 27 May 2010
Clinics Hurting Also
With Lindsay Lohan wearing an ankle bracelet that keeps her from drinking alcohol, three more distilleries have gone under this week.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Finally, The Experts Called In!
BP down to consulting with hundreds of two and three-year-old kids on how they stopped up the plumbing at home!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Hail Interupts Game
Golf-ball sized hail causes a temporary halt to the Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial PGA Tournament Thursday.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Simon Sez
LA, CA - Snake-headed music exec Simon Cowell has sued M-TV over its newly-announced show, "The Douchebag Chronicles." Claims Cowell, "That's the working title of my autobiography!"
written by Geneva Slim, 27 May 2010
More SITUATION Comedy!
NEW YORK - M-TV has announced a new reality show for its fall season, entitled "The Douchebag Chronicles." Or, as it was previously known, "Jersey Shore."
written by Geneva Slim, 27 May 2010
All ABUZZ About Paris!
LIFETIME Television has announced a new reality show featuring Paris Hilton entitled, "The Dildo Chronicles." The thrust of the show was not available at press time.
written by Geneva Slim, 27 May 2010
Arizona Bans Chocolate Citing 'Extreme Brownness'
In a 28-0 vote, the Arizona Senate banned chocolate on the basis of it being "dangerously brown." Lawmakers were quick to point out that white chocolate will not be affected by this new law.
written by Mark Garrison, 27 May 2010
Air Conditioner Brought All Ten Inside
Number of fat ladies applying for the same job at a circus reaches the tipping point as interview trailer stands on it's end. Ten injured, one pressumed dead as they are trying to pull him out.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Bipartison Compromise
Finally there's an agreement in both the Senate and Congress to hit BP Oil for everything they have!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Top Nudist Movies #53
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "Warren's Piece"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Top Nudist Movie #52
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "The Scarlet Pecker Nipper".
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Top Nudist Movie #51
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "Lord Of The Dings".
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Top Nudists Movies #50
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "The Hitchhiker's Good To The Ford Galaxy".
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Top Nudist Movies #48
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "White Thingy".
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Corrupt oil culture Bush's fault
President Obama implied at his first press conference in 10 months that the "corrupt practices and culture" surrounding the oil permits issued by the Obama administration are George Bush's fault.
written by SirBeavis, 27 May 2010
Local Man Has Blue Balls
"It is highly unusual. Normally tennis balls are yellow", said Roger Federer.
written by unknown
Local Boy Has Odd-Shaped Balls
"One is a football, the other is a rugby one", he said.
written by unknown
Local Invisible Man Quits Dreams of Being Hollywood Star
Cameramen struggled to make him appear in pictures.
written by unknown
Local Caveman invents Rock and Roll
Local Neanderthal Caveman Ug Jones, 33, has invented a rock that can be used for banging stuff with.
Later in the day he invented the sausage roll. For eating.
written by unknown
Obama to suspend new leases and permits for oil exploration
At press conference, Obama says he is suspending new leases and permits for oil drilling and exploration. Doesn't care if gas goes up to 10.00 a gallon because tax payers buy his fuel.
written by SirBeavis, 27 May 2010
Max Clifford Stripped Of Organ Donor Card
Trading Standards have ruled that PR guru Max Clifford broke the law and committed fraud by ticking the box offering his heart to be used for the treatment of others upon his death.
written by Ron Smith, 27 May 2010
Supermarkets to start selling pickled brine
"Normally we put jalapenos or hot-dogs or stuff like that in our jars. No longer! We think that our customers actually buy these things for the sweet, sweet juice and throw away the contents."
written by KendoMonkey, 27 May 2010
Woman dies after dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight
Heard to say, just before croaking: "It wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be".
written by KendoMonkey, 27 May 2010
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #1)
Jesse says he cheated on Sandra because in his mind he actually believed that he was the white trash, redneck version of Tiger "Dick With Feet" Woods.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2010
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #4)
Jesse says he cheated on Sandra because he was ashamed of his 3 inch wienie and as everyone knows women who are completely covered with tattoos have no real preception of pecker size.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2010
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #2)
Jesse says that he cheated on Sandra to prove to himself how much better in bed she was than plain, common, tattaooed ho skanks.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2010
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #3)
Jesse says he cheated on Sandra because he was forced to do so by each one of the half dozen aggresively mean tattooed bitches.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2010
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #5)
Jesse says he cheated on Sandra because he wanted the tattooed sluts to do some hardcore nasty things to him he knows his sweet, lovely, All-American wife would never dream of doing even for pay.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2010
Gulf Oil Passes Exxon Valdez
Scientists: Gulf oil spill surpasses Exxon Valdez, nearing that of "Wildroot Cream Oil" hair oil spill of 1954.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
In 5-4 Decision
Taken all together in today's world problems, the US Supreme Court rules that glass is half-empty!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Just Like Hurricanes
It figures. "Oil Slick Parties" now going on all over the Gulf.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Costco Beer #10
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Buttwhistler"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Costco Beer #9
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Schitz Stall Liquor"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Costco Beer #8
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Sandal Adams"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Costco Beer #7
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Fellstiff"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Costco Beer #6
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Johann Sebastian"s Bock"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Boy with middle name "Danger" picked on at school, suffers burns
Ronald "Danger" Pickens is currently feeling the effects of his parent's vicious sense of humor and currently in hospital after suffering 40% burns all over his "play area".
written by KendoMonkey, 27 May 2010
Not Good At Smuggling
Colombian beauty queen accused of getting models to smuggle cocaine is arrested in Argentinian youth hostel. Plan fails after discovery that models have too small an ass.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Decks Are Slick!
Commercial vessels removed from Gulf of Mexico oil spill clean up after crew members fall ill, fall!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
David Versus Goliath
David and Goliath battle as Harrods orders roadside cafe, Hairyroids to change its sign for 'copyright infringement'
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Death takes early retirement
Death wants "to spend more time with family". A new contest to take over the position will be announced in the next few days. Cadavers are said to be "pleased" with the outcome.
written by KendoMonkey, 27 May 2010
On The Lighter Side
"Space junk threatens 'chain reaction' that could destroy communications on Earth, set off weapons of mass destruction and kill everyone. Meanwhile, our Fergie is at it again..."
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Newt Gingrich Declares "The South has Risen Again"
Sarah Palin responds "what the heck kinda name is Newt?"
written by Charpa93, 27 May 2010
Knot For Sale!
Homeowner denied mortgage by Knotheads after Japanese knotweed discovered in his garden.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Joe The Clamper
Rogue car clamper who fleeced £3k a day from 'vulnerable' motorists is clamped in jail.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Gypsy Defence
Defiant residents stop gypsy invasion by digging trenches filled with water and piranha and leaving buckets of boiling oil over doorways.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Proper Sentence
Nationwide child porn ring smashed after paedophile leaves his mobile phone on the bus. Judge says most may be sentenced to wait on priests at locked monasteries.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Bare's Penis Helper #21
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Humming Dinger"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Bare's Penis Helper #20
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Carrot Ferret"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #19
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Foster Banana"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Bare's New Penis helper #18
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Firmer Anaconda"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #17
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "For Goodness Snakes"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Meagan McCain Suggests The Title For Ann Coulter's Autobiography
Meagan McCain who cannot stand Ann Coulter has suggested that a good title for her autobiography would be Hey Look At What The Cat Dragged In.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2010
The Fast As The Dickens Sheryl Crow
Singer Sheryl Crow says that in high school she ran the 50 yard dash and was so fast that her coach called her "As The Crow Flies."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2010
Kelly Clarkson's Weight Is Going Up Faster Than Tiger Woods' Libido
American Idol's first winner Kelly Clarkson called up Kirstie Alley and asked her if she had any old clothes to sell.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2010
Where The Hell Did Jesse James' Tattoo Infatuation Come From?
Jesse James says he first became infatuated with women with tattoos because of his grandmother Gertrude "Bubba" James who had over 37 tattoos, including tattoos of cows, combines, and rooster dicks.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2010
Richard Simmons Reveals Why He Acts Gay
Exercise and health guru Richard Simmons says that the reason he acts gay is to discourage women from hitting on him and trying to sexually seduce him.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2010
Gulf Hotels Still Full
Spill hasn't emptied Gulf Coast hotels yet, as many purchase nose plugs, wear heavy perfume, aftershave.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
NOW You Applaud!
Simon Cowell celebrated on 'American Idol' finale. Cowell: Bunch of hypocrites.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Most Use The Pill
Foreigners use the pill more, sterilization less, "Just Say No!" least of all.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Holy French Fries, Fatman!"
Report: Trans fat limits lead to healthier foods. Be sure to include it with your daily meals.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Facebook Facelift?
Image-conscious youth rein in social networking as over two million moonings removed from Facebook.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Breathalyzer Tests Working
Lohan's ankle bracelet has Breathalyzer technology: "Pretty rank in the mornings."
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Plenty Of Mud Available
BP shoots mud at oil as Obama halts drilling plans. Borrows tons from Washington DC, UN Building.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Atlantis Last Flight
Shuttle Atlantis completes 32nd and final flight. Houston says to keep your eye on eBay for sales announcement.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Costco Beer #5
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Dos Equine"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Costco Beer #4
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Float 45".
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Costco Profits Jump! Stagger!
Costco 3Q profit rises 46 percent as sales climb. Credit new low-priced beer!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
What Peace?
Obama's plan seeks security through peace. "After it not working for thousands of years, it might reverse itself."
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
New Sudanese President
New Sudanese president sworn in, at, after election win!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Iceland Volcano Winding Down!
Scientists: Iceland's volcanic eruption winds down as it has grown tired of the oil slick getting all the press!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Southeners Trying To Help Stop Oil Leak
Gulf awaits word on latest bid to plug oil leak. Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas send in truck loads of "chawed bakker".
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Doctors On Edge
Uncertainty over Medicare pay sets doctors on edge, looking at other careers, countries.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Jobless Benefits Extended Again
Dems scale back bill to woo votes for jobless aid which may continue until 2021.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Koreas In Pissing Contest
SKorea holds navy drill; NKorea scraps sea accord. SKorea scraps sea accord. NKorea holds navy drills.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Well Bless His Heart!
A 63-yr-old former gang member nicknamed "Satan" testified that he still has nightmares about being shocked & suffocated by former Chicago police lieutenant during a murder investigation 35 years ago.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Souter Still Works
Justice Souter may be retired, but he still works. Just wind him up and set him on the floor: "Warning! Warning! Global Warming! Danger Will Robinson!"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Two Arrested In Israel
Israel indicts 2 Arab citizens in aiding Hezbollah, Hamas, Al-Qaida, Taliban, Shiite fanatics, Sunni fanatics, PLO terrorists, Iran, Syria, Egypt, Jordan....
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Greek Plagues
Now it's a frog horde in latest Greek plague. "We expect the Hemorrhoids next."
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Moms Proud Of Pix
Facebook adjusts privacy controls after complaints that Mom's were putting ugly naked baby photos of their kids on sites.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Martian Spirals
Mystery Spirals on Mars Finally Explained as Martians say they honestly think they came from UFOs.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Drug Warnings
FDA Warns of Fracture Risk With Popular Heartburn Drugs. "You could break your esophagus.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Korean Civil War?
SKorea holds navy drill; NKorea scraps sea accord. UN warns of Chemical warfare with release of buried cabbage fumes.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Obama: Cuban Technology Far Beyond Our Own
AP source: Obama extends stop on deepwater wells. Cuban says they will continue to plan Gulf digs.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Oil Leak Plug Attempt
Gulf awaits word on latest bid to plug oil leak, those who caused it.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
I do, I do, I do, I do.
A South African man who married four wives together says he intends to spread himself in four separate homes. Much like his wives, then.
written by Thompson & French, 27 May 2010
Small vicious child kills beautiful bulldog
Adorable bulldog, "Smithy", was today brutally torn to pieces by a vicious human child. Tragically, the child was bred by the dog's uncle. The bulldog's parents are said to be devastated.
written by KendoMonkey, 27 May 2010
Satirist won't touch cock
"I prefer not to waste time writing silly snippets about cockerels and such," he said. "I will have a biscuit though, a ring-shaped chocolate one with a jelly star on top. Care for some tea, anyone?"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
Economic bell tolls in Milan Cathedral
Prime Minister Berlusconi: Budget cuts over next two years "absolutely necessary" to defend the euro, protect battered Italian economy suffering fractured nose, broken teeth.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
Chinese company installs safety nets
After ten Foxconn Technology employees jump to their deaths at work, Chairman Terry Gou says he doesn't run a sweatshop, but if safety nets don't help, he'll chain workers to their stations.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
Secret of fallen idols revealed
Scientists disprove legend that stone monoliths of Easter Island were placed and given magic powers by a divine ruler. Crystal Bowersox's dismissal debunks a similar myth about Simon Cowell.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
Got anything stronger?
Red Cross defends its practice of providing medical training, basic supplies to the Taliban in Afghanistan. Wounded Taliban fighters wave off Red Cross painkillers, retrieve high grade heroin.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
U.S. terrorism hits new high
Department of Homeland Security memo: Number, pace of attempted terrorist attacks last year surpassed any prior year - not including thousands of attempted homicides within U.S. borders by Americans.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
Palin silent on Arctic drilling
Fearing disaster worse than Gulf spill, Interior Secretary Ken Salazar postpones plans to drill off Alaska. Sarah Palin to remain silent on the issue because she aborted her governorship last year.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
Los Angeles Fires Back At Arizona
The LA City Counsel indicated that if Arizona cuts power to LA in retaliation for LA's immigration law boycott, the city will be forced to cut off Arizona's supply of LA's largest export: Porn.
written by SirBeavis, 27 May 2010
Heads, you win. Tails, I lose.
N. Korea sinks S. Korean warship, kills 46 sailors. Forced to choose between traditional communist ally and close trading partner, China will flip coin. Yin, North Korea. Yang, South Korea.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
Anti-Arizona Immigration Law Protesters Signs Make No Sense
Anti-Arizona immigration law signs saying "No Mexicans-No Tacos" make no sense. Is everyone going to forget how to make Tacos if the border is secure? Also, no Hispanics work at the local Taco Bell.
written by SirBeavis, 27 May 2010
Gibbs Tells Press To Shut The &$%$ Up
Press Secretary Robert "Dances Around The Question Like A Ballerina" Gibbs refused to answer questions about the Sestak Job scandal. Told press to "$%^ off, the people don't need to know about this!"
written by SirBeavis, 27 May 2010
'Sex and the City 2' cast can't defend movie
Yes, the Middle East references in the sequel are a bit offensive, but it's the cocktail swilling, endless twattering and tacky outfits people are REALLY getting sick of.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
A pretty good run
Art Linkletter dies having interviewed more than 23,000 children - while outlasting more than 23,000 other celebrity couples who married and divorced during his 74-years with spouse Lois Foerster.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
Running out of manpower
BP may not be able to cap Gulf gusher: Undersea robots brought to surface to assist in processing 26,000 claims against the company totaling more than $36 million so far.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
A Crude Crusade
Florida Sen. Bill Nelson (D) says if BP fails to cap leak Wednesday, Obama must "turn this over to the military." Sure, a war on oil spills should be at least as effective as a war on drugs or terror.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
No time for decorum
Refering to BP's Blackwater Horizon gusher this week, President Obama told aides to "plug the damn hole." He reemphasized the point today, saying, "I thought I told you to FIX that f**king thing!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
2010: An Undersea Odyssey
Robots working frantically nearly a mile under Gulf of Mexico to plug gusher decide, when this is all over with, humans will definitely NOT be in charge of any more deep sea oil drilling.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
That's some poker face
BP bets everything on ambitious deep-sea bid to finally plug gushing oil well for good. Well raps on continental shelf twice, says, "I call."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2010
Tony Soprano, James Gandolfini, Calls Glenn Beck Satan
The news was broken by Glenn Beck himself saying that Gandolfini was wrong for calling him Satan in front of Beck's son, to whom he had to explain "No son, I'm just one of Satan's minions."
written by Charpa93, 27 May 2010
Help Finally Arrives at Oil Site - God the Almighty Appears
Not since the days of Moses has God been this angry. He promised to allow every creature harmed by the oil spill a place in heaven and the greedy men who caused the disaster can battle it out in hell.
written by Charpa93, 27 May 2010
Democrats blame George W. Bush for Gulf oil spill
Chris Dodd says Bush scuba dived to the rig blew it up. He also said "Bush did it he can fix it, Obama's not responsible for jack and will enjoy a oil free Chicago over the memorial day weekend."
written by SirBeavis, 27 May 2010
Taste Best That Way
Day-Old Taco Outlet closed by the Salt Lake City's Health Department.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Costco Beer #3
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Low Brow".
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Conductor Injured
Train conductor injured, as he pulled into Chicago, he caught his sleeve on the turn signal and wrenched it.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Gibbs Privately Scolded Press for Asking Too Many BP Questions
White House Press Secretary Robert "Dances Around The Question Like A Ballerina" Gibbs told members of the press: "I'm tired of your questions about BP, Lord Obama will decide what the people hear"
written by SirBeavis, 27 May 2010
Costco Beer #2
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Horse Piss Light"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Costco Beer
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Milwaukee's Best Effort"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Al Puffed Up
Passers-by say they thought the wasp-sting allergic man lying on the sidewalk in New York City was a blown up advertising balloon.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Who Paid For That?
A new study shows that the US leads the whole world in the number of pets that find their way back home.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
At "The Bar & Fly"
In NYC last night, an argument at a bar over whether the earth is 100 billion years old and a hundred ten billion years old leads to fatal shooting.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
Baghdad Explosion
Today in Baghdad a suicide bomber ran his car into a suicide bomber coming into town from the opposite direction. The resulting blast left a hole in the ground big enough to hold 144 virgins.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2010
