Who Can Understand Him?
California Governor Schwarzenegger is in trouble as his "Non-Smoking" ban leads to those who don't smoke being asked to leave the state. "Thut ist nut whut I mitt!"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Too Much Military Pork?
Secretary of State Gates takes aim at military pork once again, revealing that hammers that cost only $800 ten years ago are now up to $4,000.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
President's Plans?
President Obama's plans for Iraq and Afghanistan keeps our enemies confused...same here.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
One More for the Road...
Martin Gardner, creator of logic games, math puzzles passed away on Saturday, leaving a final challenge: Place his cadaver in the casket without touching it by moving and replacing only two panels.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 23 May 2010
300-Pound High School Center On Football Team
Doctors now believe that obese people begin their bad habits in childhood through teenage years and especially during those years that lead up to them becoming obese.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
72 Beauties, Just Waiting!
Al Qaida leaders said to be the best at convincing suicide bombers at making career moves.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
BP Breakthrough?
BP says it might have made a breakthrough of using nervous energy for fuel, after gathering it from those who live along the Gulf Coast.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Just Before GMA Comes On!
FBI uncovers plot to leave burning bag of dog shit on each corner of Times Square.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Peace Gathering Delayed
Peace gathering to start later than expected in Jirga, Afghanistan after pissing contest among peace reps. who misunderstood the reason for meeting.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Summer Camp For Kids Burned
Masked gun men vandalize and burn out a UN-run summer camp for children in the Gaza Strip. "How can we stir up hate if UN in here helping kids?"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Obama: New Order
At West Point, president talks of new 'international order' with secret handshakes and "all that kind of good shit."
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Pope Ruins Own Speech
Pope calls for ethics in world economy...but breaks down in laughter in middle of the speech. "Who am I kidding?"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Illegals Unprocessed?
FEDS: We may not process illegals referred from Arizona. Why should we made an exception with them?
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Puppet Video Popular
Arizona Governor uses puppet video, 'Pedro The Packrat', to sell immigration law.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Israel Preparing Defense
Israel holds defense drill amid regional tension. Aim nukes at all the oil fields. "This time if we lose, we're taking everyone with us."
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Unintelligent Congress Protests, Sucks Thumb
Senators: Obama admin keeps Congress in dark on intelligence.
Obama: "Hey you either got it or you don't!"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Condom Complaints #2
D.C. high school, college-age students complain about quality of free condoms from city. Object to no free Ky-jelly.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Condom Complaint
D.C. high school, college-age students complain about quality of free condoms from city. "Only one in ten are ticklers or 'For Her Pleasure" say students.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
G.W. Downgraded?
Global warming downgraded? UN now says case for saving species 'more powerful than climate change', especially the human species.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Facebook Overhaul
Facebook to launch privacy overhaul. "There are entirely too many people sneaking photo of privates on the site!"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Cyber Warfare
President Obama appoints first cyber warfare general..Bill Gates!
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Clinton Avoids Everything
Clinton avoids China disputes, hands out unleaded teddy bears to kids. "We know there are no political prisoners here."
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
One Step Behind
U.S. drops criminal probe of AIG executives, but will continue to dog the paths of the fall guys.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
"Be Very Quiet"
Launch of secret US space ship masks even more secret launch of new weapon which is said to mask secret UFO meetings with former President Kennedy's brain. Shhhhhhhhh!
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #32
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Bovine Secrets Of The Yo Mama Sisterhood!"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #31
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years,"Lovely Boners"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #30
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Greatest Constipation"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #29
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, Twilight: He Flips"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #28
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Chicken Poop For The Soil"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #27
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Twlight; Freaking Dawn"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #26
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Twilight: The Who's Moon"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Telecommunications Satellite Launch
Europe's Ariane 5 launch vehicle carries out its 50th mission, putting two large telecommunications satellites in orbit. That makes a total of 644. Still nothing on.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Develop Or Die?
BBC: Second programme investigating how the Muslim community worldwide is increasingly working together to alleviate poverty, illiteracy, Israel, America, Christians and unemployment
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
French Smelling Up The Place
One of Paris's main thoroughfares, the Champs-Elysees, has been covered in earth & cow shit & turned into a huge green space in an event staged by young French farmers.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Landslide
Landslide in Jiangxi China derails train. Over 1,000 passengers set it back on track.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #25
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Angela's Flashes"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #24
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Booty For Life"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #23
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Mammaries Of A Geisha (Or Lack Thereof)"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #22
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Just Answer Your Spam Mail"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Least Popular Book #21
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Men Are From Bars, Women Are From Penis"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Fergie in talks with the Royal Family
Fergie to star in the Christmas Edition of The Royal Family. Life long fan of the Queen, Ricky Tomlinsson, said: "I am over the moon that we have Fergie on board!"
written by stantheman, 23 May 2010
Commodes "Jammed"
Prison wardens complaining about commodes being constantly jammed. "After they've been in here for awhile, their poop gets larger and larger!", states one warden.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Pathetic Exam?
Students asked to identify Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles in Christmas scene in 'pathetic' GCSE exam.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Youngest Ever
'Mom, I'm on the top of the world! 'U.S. boy, 13, becomes youngest person to mount Evelyn. I'm sorry, that should be conquer Mount Everest!
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Women Best With Directions
It'll drive you mad, chaps... but women give the best directions! For instance, where you place your hand.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Much In Common
The coalition of millionaires: 23 of the 29 member of the new cabinet are worth more than £1m, and the Lib Dems are just as wealthy as the Tories. Could there be a middle class tax hike soon?
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
"What To They Want to Hear?"
£70,000 a time? To hear me give a speech? That's what Gordon Brown has been told he can earn. "Should have retired a year ago."
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Bullying Can Be Good #2
Bullying 'can be good for children': Study finds those who fight back are more popular and mature. "You'll need to learn to pull your underwear up under your armpits as you get older, anyway."
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Bullying Can Be Good?
Bullying 'can be good for children': Study finds those who fight back are more popular and mature, though badly crippled.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
"Where Were We During This?"
'Age of plenty' is over warns Clegg as he condemns Labour's 'black hole' in finances. Many respond the same way: "Age Of Plenty?"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Hot Time Tonight
It's going to be a sizzler! Britain gears up for hottest day of the year so far, as last of the snow finally melts.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Auto Puzzle Solved?
The great petrol puzzle: Has top motoring writer solved it? "Just what is the answer to Mother-In-Law in the back?"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
New "Open Doors" Policy?
The Duchess of York said she could 'open doors' as she was filmed apparently offering to sell access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew for £500,000, only £100,000 for Sir Elton John!
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Spend Night At Michael Jackson World!
Jackson fans to spend night among his possessions. Chimp threw some shit but rest of the night was fantastic", says young fan.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Dateline: May, 2011
Bp says they have still another idea about how to stop Gulf oil leak as the first of the spill shows up in the Great Lakes. President becoming impatient.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Laser Recodings
Lasers record Mount Rushmore's famous faces but will not record rest of bodies on the back side.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Calif. Man Acquitted
Calif. jury acquits man in killing of rapper as several later admit that they had came close to it, themselves.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Kuchwara Dies At Only 63
Michael Kuchwara, AP drama critic, dies at 63. That's my age. Probably not too early for a drink. Perhaps a toast to Michael!
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Cannes Closed Down?
Life-affirming French film closes Cannes! "It was a real stinker", says one who walked out.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Joe Blow In Indo!
Up in smoke: Indonesian child-teen smokers rising. 'Sujitma The Camel' stuffed toys everywhere.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Study On Hard..Heart Attacks
Study: A heart attack shouldn't kill your sex life. On the other hand, it won't improve it much either.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Laptop Recall #3
Hewlett-Packard, Joe's Goody Bar, recalling 54K laptop batteries, dancers.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Laptop Recall #2
Hewlett-Packard recalling 54K laptop batteries. "Now they recall them!", says one owner. "If that don't burn my ass!"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Laptop Recall
Hewlett-Packard recalling 54K laptop batteries after three small bush fires.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Fulf Nature Preserves, Gyms In Danger
At worst, oil spewed already could fill 102 gyms. But thus far, it's only filled up wiped out three.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Must Be Gentle With Foes So They Will Love & Respect Us
Obama says diplomacy, military go hand in hand, if a terrorist hasn't blown off our hand.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
EPA Still In There Monitoring Away!
EPA chief to return to Gulf Coast to monitor spill. "We'll keep monitoring this thing as long as it's leaking", he tells shoe-throwing locals.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Justice At Last
Astronomer Copernicus reburied as hero in Poland as then ruling pope dug up and placed in Copernicus's unmarked grave.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Thai PM: No Early Elections
Thai PM: No early elections until violence ends, even if it takes my lifetime to achieve it.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Somebody Needs To Move a Foot On Congress' Ass
Move afoot in Congress to ban drop-side cribs as congressman, attempting to show dangers, breaks foot while kicking the display model.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Country Still Deny Benefits
Vietnam, US, US Vietnam Veterans, still in conflict over Agent Orange.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Cuban Fined
Cuban fined $100,000 for comments on LeBron, having called LeBron a basket case.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
In Today's Yada News
Insurgents attack NATO's southern Afghan base...Pope still Catholic!
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Two Biggies Gone
Martin Gardner, 95, math and science writer, dies. Old 'George "Flysoup" Harden, the town of Leitchfield, Tenn.'s most colorful character, dies too. He was only 62 although he looked 62, 40 years ago.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
China Doesn't Revaluate Yuan
As Europe falters, China balks at revaluing yuan. "If world economy collapse, it would take Yuan to buy Yuan."
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Ears Still Ringing
Israeli nuclear whistleblower back in jail after finding another whistle, blowing it.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Hillary In China #2
Clinton to push China for 'balanced' relationship. China pushes back...for 'balance'.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
NKorean Leader Wants "Hollywood" Type Name
Kim Jong Il insists that everyone call him by "Hollywood" name, "KimJo".
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Hillary In China
Hillary Clinton to push China for 'balanced' relationship. She gives up on North Korea's "unbalanced" leader, KimJo.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Obama Suffers Defeat
GOP wins House seat in Obama's home district. Already tossing out old furniture, relatives.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Copernicus Reburied
Astronomer Copernicus reburied as hero in Poland as he was right and Roman Church wrong all along. Earth Revolves Around the sun. Children were being molested.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
How Is Ohionobobilixi In Fartstan Doing?
Facebook Mania: Privacy Changes for Nearly 500 Million as everyone only separated by three three degrees.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Yemeni Cleric Advocates Murdering Americans
Yemeni cleric advocates killing US civilians, but in a humanitarian way.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Bonita Norris: First Cute Woman To Scale Mount Everest
The Observer: Bonita Norris is cute & she climbed Mount Everest & she's cute. The pointless expedition cost a fortune, but she's cute so it's on the front cover of our newspaper today. And she's cute
written by Ron Smith, 23 May 2010
Worldcup to have new ad friendly balls
Advertising dollars are pouring in for the privilege of having ads on footballs. As balls fly around the field, close-ups of the ball will have virtual advertising like, 'Time for a Guinness'.
written by C. Cranium, 23 May 2010
Tareq and Michaele Salahi Show Up Unexpectedly at White House Again
This time disguised as rats in the Rose Garden.
written by Charpa93, 23 May 2010
Family Style Out!
Family style restaurants are on their way out because of all the fighting and accusations.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
New Viagra Shipment
Man's cheap Viagra from India works so well that it left him stiff for, like forever.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Martha Stewart #9
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "How 'Escargot Helper' Can Really Cut Down On Those Food Prices!"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Martha Stewart #8
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring Have That Yacht's Barnacles Removed Every 3,000 Miles"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Martha Stewart #7
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "Geico Can Save You Up To 25% On Your Car Insurance"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Martha Stewart #6
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "How To Make Your Very Own Two-Buck Chuck"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Martha Stewart #5
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "Never eat too many truffles. 'Live frugal, so others may simply exist!"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Martha Stewart #4
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "Why riding those new clothes driers will never replace a simple horseback ride"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Martha Stewart #3
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "How to make your own children's outfits for those childhood Shakespeare plays"
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
Martha Stewart #2
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy. The next: Quit trying to keep up with the Dow Jones next door.
written by Bureau, 23 May 2010
