Global Warming Causes Balls To Itch!
Flowers 'losing scent' due to global warming, has nothing to do with depleted soil, claim village idiots, third class.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Must Think Positive!
Democrats say the country is evenly split on health care passage, 30-70%
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Near Classic #6
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "The World According To Carp" (Singing On The Wall)
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Near Classics #5
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "All Of Her Twist!"
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Near Classics #4
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "Witches Are Broads"
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Near Classics #3
Almost Classic Books that never made it: The Hoarse Whisperer!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Near Classics #2
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "Flower Child In The Attic"
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Near-Classics
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "The Old Fanning The Sheets".
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
He's Become Dangerous
Barack Obama reveals new plan for Iraq, Afghanistan. It's to be centered around a new health care program.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Like 'Weather B. Good'
New weather girl on local TV station calling herself 'Wendy Storm' pushing it a little.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Local man Descended from long line of Bastards
Local man Harry Browne searched his ancestral records and discovered that his family have always been a bunch of hateful bastards.
written by unknown
Local Man Seeks Friend
Local man Billy Nomates just wants a pal. And a hug.
written by unknown
Hitler Planned To Exterminate Gingers
Nazi swine, Adolf Hitler, drew up a scheme to wipe out the world's red-haired population. Chris Evans, Dennis Leary and Conan O'Brien breath sighs of relief.
written by unknown
Local Man Loses Control of his Bowls
"Each time I put my Corn Flakes in them they just spit it back out and run away with the spoon", said the man.
written by unknown
Lesbian scholar demands to wear her TUXEDO at the Proms!
A sex scandal ripping at the academic foundations of the US is raging, a lesbian scholar is demanding to wear her TUXEDO at the Proms, well the "Times they are a changing" proving Bob Dylan was right!
written by unknown
Animal Kingdom Gets Restraining Order Against David Attenborough
"We're sick and tired of having him watching us eat, sleep and have a sneaky wank", said a monkey.
written by unknown
Big Things Come in Small Parcels
A group of Giants who work at the Post office have since been banned from wanking near the parcel sorting area.
written by unknown
Lawyers Short-Handed
With all the lawsuits coming up over the new health care bill, many attorneys say they are stretched too thin and for schools like Harvard to rush them through.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Stalin posters in Moscow cause an uproar, Hitler posters in Berlin too!
Not to be outdone by their Russian counterparts Berlin has decided to compete with Moscow in; Who had the world's most loved dictator, Stalin or Hitler, Mussolini didn't even make the semi-final!
written by unknown
Doctor A Fraud, But Customers Kept Coming Back
Plastic surgery doctor, Hans Kermid's clinic was closed this morning after a customer in for a penis enlargement after the doctor order his nurse to take off top and slap the penis briskly!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Health Care Bill #16
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: $5 each for an encouraging word. $2 for a smile.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Just To Be Contrary
Stocks move higher as experts predicted a drop. "They should be called 'cats' instead of stocks", say trader.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
World's Cleverest Man
World's cleverest man turns down $1million prize after solving one of mathematics' greatest puzzles. Goes by the secret name of "Skoob"
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Obama Getting More Threats
Secret Service called in as Twitter users demand 'a bullet to Barack Obama's head' over historic healthcare victory. "We're taking these and 'nutting' threats seriously", says spokesman.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Police Question MP
MP quizzed by police after saying 'wearing burkha was like having paper bag over your head, condom over your penis'
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Should Speed Everything Up!
Bill aims to speed up air traffic system overhaul. Planes will be landing ten yards apart.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Hospitals Try To Cover Their Asses!
ATLANTA - As one superbug seems to be fading as a threat in hospitals, another is on the rise, a new study suggests. The 'Opened Gown Ass Biter' running rampart.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Health Care Overhaul Dividing Country
A top adviser to President Barack Obama says people will embrace the health care overhaul once they "get familiar with what is is and what it isn't, as soon as WE figure it out."
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Show At NYC Museum
Curious George gets a show at Jewish Museum in NYC. I'm sorry, that should be "Curious Judah".
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
In The Health Bill
Health law will make calorie counts hard to ignore as the Food Police will be making their rounds of restaurants and homes at dinner time!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Freedom To Eat Threatened
Health law will make calorie counts hard to ignore with $1.00 fine for every 100 calories over day's average, yet to be determined.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Clergy Abuse Drops
Report: Catholic clergy abuse claims drop in US from 75% of choirboys to 72%.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Nazi Hit Man Convicted
Former Nazi hit man convicted over WWII murders. 98-year-old could be given life without parole.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
ACORN Disbanding
ACORN disbanding because of money woes, scandal. President Obama says he will bring them back later under new name, HICKORY NUT!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Rahm Using Puppets?
Rahm Emanuel denies that he is the Beast of Revelation, despite his strings on Omama, Reid and Pelosi!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Sharks Lose Fight For Now
Sharks lose fight to protect them at UN meeting but eat opponents and demand another hearing.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Arkansas Round-Up!
'Colonel' not OK for Arkansas ballot, but 'Porky' and 'Shithead are fine. Judge 'Pisser' says 'Colonel' military title could give unfair advantage.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Freddie To Get Twins On Weekends
Debate on the future of Fannie, Freddie heats up, as both of the Farkles want Simon & Garfarkle, the twins.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Sounds Familiar
How Dinosaurs Came to Rule the Earth? Experts say they hid behind closed doors in meetings, bought off votes of competition and became even bigger dinosaurs!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Recall Leave Empty Shelves, Costumer's Complaints
FDA warns doctors about Glaxo rotavirus vaccine. Doctors have nurses go through shelves pulling product. If any missed, tell patients not to purchase any.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Moon Water
Moon's Water Comes in Three Flavors, Scientists report: Crater crystals, Icy Mush, and Tuti Frutti".
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Armies Blinded?
Indian military to weaponize world's hottest chili. "Should be banned with mustard gas", says Pakistan leader!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Kegs Arriving Right Now
Obama to sign health bill today, celebrate with allies with one big beer conference!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Sam Cam To Have Ethnically Diverse Quintuplets
It has been revealed.
written by Ron Smith, 23 March 2010
Shock news: Sam Cam pregnant
Even bigger shock - She actually has sex with David
written by Jo Dash, 23 March 2010
New Horror Film A Mouthful
Coming Soon... Horrormeister Rob Zombie tackles obese radioactive mutants in "The Knees Have Thighs". You'll never fall asleep with a bag of cheese balls again.
written by Jeffrey Brunk, 23 March 2010
Presiden Obama Again Amazes The World
Having won the Nobel Prize for deep-breathing and smoking cessation, President Obama has posthumously been named 'Savior of Earth" and "Arborist of the Year" Ceremony is Monday at Moose Lodge #365
written by Jeffrey Brunk, 23 March 2010
Obama Seeking Dialogue
President Obama seeking dialogue with the Taliban told where he could take his dialogue and what to do with it.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
Saltless Hasenpfeffer Introduced Today
Saltless Hasenpfeffer introduced today at a fancy NYC German restaurant. A majority of the patrons interviewed said "gewalt it tastes like shit!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2010
President Obama's Statement on Vetoing the Health Care Bill
"I had to because of the trashing of the US Constitution, the corrupt Senate/House leadership, the flawed bill process, bribes to Congressman for votes, a lack of principles and cost falsification."
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2010
Chuck Norris creates Kentucky Fried Chicken
Chuck Norris has admitted to being the original creator of the Kentucky Fried Chicken secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Norris has revealed the secret eleventh ingredient: FEAR
written by Daniel Bristol, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #15
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Special ass flap for gown. $25. But free if you allow some advertising there.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #14
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: 3D TV in every room and always on, $50 per day.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #13
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Carry charge for wheeling you out to your car in a wheelchair.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #12
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Tip for guard who watched over your care while you were inside. $10-$25.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #11
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Another insurance, suggested $1,000,000 policy, for any pubic shaving mishaps.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #10
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Appendix replacement, $200.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #9
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Pee bottle knock-overs and any slips. Insurance needed.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #8
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Recovering any lost instruments after they close you up will cost an extra $200 to go back in.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #7
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Doctors and nurses that are on-call in case they are needed every other weekend. $250
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #6
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Extra, extra special sponge baths are $150, same as downtown.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #5
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Wheelchair collision, no fault insurance.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #4
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: "In some cases, up to 25 plug-in deodorants."
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #3
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: New 10% government surcharge when bill is presented if paid early or lat or on time.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill #2
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: The $150 up front to the head nurse that will keep you off her shit list.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
New Health Care Bill
Some things the new Health Care Bill will not cover at the hospital are: Nurse injuring herself after passing out while carrying out your bedpan.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2010
