Spoof news snippets from Monday 22 March 2010

Diary of a Madman

Drym and Horsedowns fishmonger Trelawney Polgassick says: "One day Mrs Dribbler comes into the shop and she says 'have you got a cod's head and shoulders?' 'No Missus', I says, 'it's just the way I parts me hair!'"

My Favourite Soup

"My favourite soup is Calf's Head and Shoulders", says TV Gardener and Novelist Alan Ditchfarce. "I like Slowly Strangled Dog", says Korean Executioner Kim Dung Hwaa. "Slow throttling tenderises flesh."

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
The point of contact between two perfect spheres is said to be infinitely small. Let us rejoice then in our imperfection, you and I, as we connect massively and messily!

Songs Update #3

Simon & Garfield: "Cecilia, Those Are Making Me Fart!"

Song Updates #2

The Rolling Stones: "I Used To Aim In The Bowl, But It's All Over Now"

Song Updates

The Eagles re-release: "I Get A Pantsful Easy Filling

More Things To Do With Rice

Let us celebrate Percy Flage, inventor of waterproof newspaper, electric money, disposable paper spectacles, a clockwork watering can, and "nebuloso", a special international language for discussing clouds.

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
Consider the memories. What will tomorrow's memories be? You create them today. Think happy thoughts, for these will form tomorrow's happy memories. Unless you forget them.

Antiques

with Hugh Rowley-Macassar
Here is a boxwood netsuke lungfish, whose value is only slightly compromised by a chipped notochord, for which I have great expectations at the Broadwoodwidger auctions.

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
Today, I think about my dreams. Tonight, I dream about my thoughts. Tomorrow, I remember all this. Today, I think the thoughts that will become tomorrow's memories.

Chuck Norris was the Stonehenge Architect

Arcdhaeologists at sites on Salisbury Plain are now sure that Chuck Norris created Stonehenge by walking past a massive stone quarry. The giant slabs of rock all stood at attention as he walked past.

Chuck Norris Causes Massive Roundhouse Kick deaths

Scientists have discovered that, since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

When I'm 64!

Old fans say the thing they like best about going once more to see groups like Crosby, Stills & Nash on the road again, is that this time the crowd is passing out Viagra.

Chuck Norris creates Circle of Life

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the Circle of Life.

Joyner Joins The Great Ones

Wally Joyner became the fifteenth baseball player today to have his number retired at the Betty Ford Clinic!

Old Gold All Sold

Vinophile
with Victor Ludorum

From the chalk slopes of the Fistula, comes Georg Meinschoffer's pale-straw Bufeburger Mitteltreppchen Juffehunde 1997. Searing aromas of unwashed milkmaid introduce a smegma palate.

Brassiere Company Goes Bust

Zither-Queen Elspeth Fustian's latest album Shards and Splinters, in which she interprets the music of Herb Alpert and Mantovani, has been called "elegantly futile" by the Apostle Spoon Fanciers Gazette.

Special Announcement

The United Nations forces in Afghanistan say they have killed the Taliban leader of the Northernmost group. Immediately, they begin hunt for his replacement. If you're keeping score, move #2 to #1.

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter

An old Spanish farmer sits weeping by his dead donkey. Why do you weep, old Pedro? For love of your help-mate? "No", he cries, "I have to bury the bastard."

Bi-Polar Dogsled Race

The Bi-polar expedition has called off the scheduled dogsled trip, no they haven't, well we'll see.

Aussie Hunting Ban "Too Late"

The Australian Government would be too late in banning the hunting for sport of indigenous Tasmanians, it was claimed yesterday. "The abos were hunted to extinction years ago" said Len Drongo, 65, of Wollongonglonggonglong.

Local Man Fails To Sell Himself to Taxidermist

"He told me I'd be worth more dead", he said.

Silken Man and Acrobat Wife discuss Relationship

"It's a delicate balancing act", they said.

Local Christian Converts To Metric

"It was about time I learned centimetres and millimetre's", he said.

Town Unveils New Muslim

Shamala el Hamadei said she liked her new look

Local Man Measures Dick

Local man Jimmy Jennings measured his friend Dick Young today. Little Dick is 3' 5'' tall.

Obama is the reincarnated Gandhi, it's a fact!

After pushing his Health Reform bill through and stuffing the Republicans, Jaggedone announced a bombshell, Obama is not Obama he's Gandhi, it's a fact, only difference is Obama's Saville Row suit!

Ufoes Spotted

A hillbilly family in Do Stop, Arkansas say they saw "one of them there Ufoes last night. Hit had a little body, big head and real teeth."

Tiger Woods In The News Again

Unfortunately it's only for his golf comeback.

GE Misses Mays

General Electric say their new "melon Shooter" not selling well since loss of Billy Mays.

Marth Stewart Absent-Minded

Martha Stewart not paying attention, too preoccupied with finding a man. Releases new cook book, "The Frogleg Gourmet"

"Tell Kim We Did It!"

North Korean hopes of sending rocket to Mars crash as rocket lands in same spot in the ocean all the other's have landed.

On Whale Wheat Bread

Closed restaurant that sold "Whale & Fries" sandwiches will be missed. "Those were BIG sandwiches", say customers.

Numbers Instead Of Names

President Obama finally admits that with new health insurance bill, we have to change our names to numbers. "I'm #1 because I claimed it first."

Secret Meats

New Whoopi's Hamburger shake say that if KFC can keep their sauce & recipe secret, they don't have to tell you what kind of meat they use.

Queen Chews Out Grandsons

The Queen called both her grandsons in yesterday and lectured them on their constantly bringing up "The Family Jewels" in conversations. "We are not amused."

They Can Get Out Of Hand

The Queen has just returned from her annual trimming of Prince Charles ears.

Undiscovered Beatles Recording #12

Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "Got To Get You Out Of My Wife!"

Undiscovered Beatles Recording #11

Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "The Salad Of John & Loco"

Undiscovered Beatles Recording #10

Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: I'll Follow Her Buns"

Undiscovered Beatles Recording #9

Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "I'm In Love With Glue And I Feel Fine!"

Undiscovered Beatles Recording #8

Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "I Saw Her Standing Bare".

Queen Honored

The Queen, invited to throw out the first punch at recent soccer game, flattens Camilla Parker Bowles.

"I Thought I Saw A Flash!"

Invisibility Cloak worth the $100,000 he paid for it says tabloid reporter!

It's Your Right!

Experts advise that you insist on your First Amendment rights to answer census takers question by pantomime.

Breaks Armstong's Record, Neck

Teen on runaway Toyota-made bicycle passes cars going over 80MPH on freeway.

Be Careful Out Driving

Police vehicle rammed by runaway Toyota as police were trying to catch another runaway Toyota.

The Yellow Peril!

The day the sky turned yellow: Sandstorms sweep across China!

Wired Terror Alert

Man with 'wires coming from his nutsack' sparks terror alert on London Underground! I'm sorry, that should be 'rucksack'.

Obama Gloating

'This is what change looks like. Get used to it because all your dollar bills are going for taxes!': Victory for Obama as historic healthcare reform bill is passed

Tiger Nervous

Woods: 'A little nervous' about return at Masters, especially upon learning that three former mistresses have bought tickets.

Hope He Can Still So It

Buzz Aldrin among stars set for 'Dancing' debut as audiences expect to see a few giant moon-type hops from one end of the stage of the other.

Biting Sanctions Called For!

Clinton: US wants biting sanctions on Iran as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad bites three more diplomats.

How Many Lobsters?

Snowmobiles, ATVs, lobster boats used for census. "Lobsters can't write as they break pencils, so we have to ask Yes & NO questions", says group leader.

Fargo Has Other Problems

Floods recede in Fargo, but other hazards linger. For one thing, there are two killers on the loose and a pregnant sheriff on their trail!

Sand Storm In China

Sandstorms across China prompt health warnings. Argues that this has nothing to do with seeding clouds before and during Olympics.

Geothermal Energy

Oregon town uses geothermal energy to stay warm from volcano below it!

House Lauded

Obama lauds House for passing health care bill! "Laudy! Laudy! Laudy!"

Mixed Feelings About Meth Bill

Feelings mixed on meth bill in Senate as some Senators are high as a kite!

New Hobbit Breaks Habit

Filmmaker Del Toro to give 'Hobbit' new look. Warns audiences this won't be the Hobbit that they have a habit of seeing.

Arport Crack's Down

Air travelers to see tougher security before breach. "Be prepared for thorough inspection", states security officer. "Plus I'd wear new underwear."

Poker Raid Arrest

Police arrest suspected organizer of poker raid before he can cash in his chips.

Brick Passed By Congress

Obama lauds House for passing health care bill. "Now let's all see what is in the thing."

Health Care Overhaul Bill Passed #2

"Does this mean we can't wear overhauls at work?", ask many farmers.

Health Care Overhaul Bill Passed

House sends health care overhaul bill to Obama. Millions hold their breath to see if he will sign it!

Old King Cole was a merry old soul . . .

. . . Until he heard that the health care bill had been voted in by the U. S. Congress.

Stand Up Ladies

House member Pro-Abortion advocates get screwed again by President Obama's Executive Order! It doesn't matter as the order is useless, but these ladies have no testicular fortitude.

Scare Tactics

LITTLE JOHNY: Mommy I'm scared! MOMMY: Why? LITTLE JOHNY: President Obama says "the Health Insurance Company monster is under my bed, in the closet and outside my window."

Obama Administration's Left Wing Thinking

President Obama, like President Chavez of Venezuela, announced 24-hour electric power cutoffs for dozens of companies that have failed to support his energy conservation policies.

No Child Left Behind to be Upgraded

President Obama would like to update the "No Child Left Behind Program." House Speaker Pelosi will be its first enrollee!

New Recipients Identified

Three recipients have been nominated to receive the "Slime Ball" of the year award for 2010. They are Louise Slaughter of the House Rules Committee, House Speaker Pelosi & Senate Majority Leader Reid.

Michigan Motto Change

The state of Michigan is changing its motto from "We Eatus Meatus" to Tantalizing Tofu Titillates."

Liberal Democratic Health Care Hypocrisy

Candidate Obama ran on negating Bush's executive orders prohibiting abortions. King Obama I was asked by conservative Democrats to issue an executive order prohibiting abortions, for their votes.

Health Care Sale

Break a leg now before the health care reform bill goes into effect. Next year the doctor's fee will double, the plaster cast cost will increase and splints will incur a surtax.

Get Me More Rich People

PRESIDENT: I need to increase health care taxes, round up some more rich people! CHIEF OF STAFF: The larder's empty as we're out of rich people. PRESIDENT: Have the Mint crank up the printing presses!

Buying a Pig in a Poke

House Speaker Pelosi wants the American people to accept the health care reform bill & then figure it out later! Would you buy a car, take it home, then look under the hood & try the accessories?

Bending the Rules

Representative Slaughter of the Rules Committee decided not to use the "Deem and Pass" Rule as Representative Waxman had her by the US Constitution!

White House Sponsored Child Obesity Diet

The new school lunch menu consists of macaroni with double cheese, two bags of potato chips, two salted pretzels with extra salt & a diet cola. After lunch four hours of running in place is required!

Something is Very Wrong Here

When Wall Street Corporate Executives give out bonuses it's called corruption! When President Obama, Senate Majority Leader Reid and House Speaker Pelosi bribe US House members it's called politics!

President Obama Made Honorary Indian Chief

Chief Reid of the Las Vegas Indians has bestowed a great honor on President Obama. The president will be inducted into the tribe and be known as "Great Chief Paleface!"

One Vote for the Bill

Representative Barney Frank once again proves he is an asshole by voting for the health care reform bill!

No Dirty Underwear Inspector

NY legislator who wants to ban salt has also called for a ban on dirty underwear. Women's groups objecting to being subject to a dirty underwear inspector are planning a naked protest in Albany NY!

New York Times Headlines

Name Change

ACORN to change their name to SQUASH after being BEET up for not minding their PEAS and ques!

Lowering the Cost of Health Care

President Obama offered to let Iran participate in America's health care reform if they give up nuclear weapons. A large crowd in Tehran broke into chants of "death to America" & "death to Obama."

Kill the Bill

Pro- Life advocates get upset when Pro-Abortion House members state "the current health care reform bill is a real abortion!"

Government Employee Travel

An amendment has been added to the health care reform bill to only allow interfering federal government bureaucrats to travel to Republican states by horseback!

Democrats to Ban the Internet

Animal rights activists have asked Congressional Democratic left wing liberals to ban the Internet, in order to stop rare animal trading! VP Al Gore objected.

Healthcare Reform

Obama healthcare bill. Republicans attack it and say European Nanny State. Democrats cheer as millions of Americans will benefit.

Europeans, shrug their shoulders and ask what is the problem?

THAT Should Be A Big Help!

Pentagon says U.S. Ballistic Missile Defense System almost ready. "We'll be able to shoot down incoming missile over our cities."

Jermiah Wright Hurls Racial Slur, Ducks Out!

Democrats celebrate getting health bill passed, dodging bullets, uniting country.

How About The Muck?

VP Biden says that former VP Cheney's undisclosed location had trophies from hunting trips with notes: "The Buck Stops Here!", "The Duck Stops Here!"

Caught A Glimpse Of Future Stars

Three of those early naked prisoners in Baghdad prison photos now making a lot of money in porn movies.

Charging Everything To Elvis

Las Vegas celebrity impersonator arrested for identity theft!

Worse One Yet

The FCC warns that there in a new internet worm that is attacking Apple Computers.

Dolly, By Golly #20

Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "The Cumberland Gap, Paps"

Dolly, By Golly #19

Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Bi La Baloobas"

Dolly, By Golly #18

Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "The Baby-Feeder Of The Pack"

Dolly, By Golly #17

Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Going From Air Bags To Riches".

Dolly, By Golly #16

Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Up, Up & Away In My Beautiful Balloons!"