You'll not believe this Brucie's still alive.
It's true, Bruce Forsyth is STILL ALIVE. He has been seen tottering around with his 'cuddly toy'. Sorry, third wife.
I'm sticking out my chin here. 'Didn't 'e do well?'
written by unknown
Rascal III Out!
New Rascal III vehicles to contain adult diapers, diaper's disposals for those going on longer trips of half a mile or more.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
We'll Be Back!
American Airlines to terminate pension plan for staff. Staff vote to terminate bosses at American Airlines.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Asda welcomes 'jamas
Asda has issued a statement today reassuring all the scrubbers that are barred from shopping at Tesco in their jim jams are welcome at Asda
written by Jo Dash, 14 March 2010
Casual Drug Rats Much Better Off!
New experiments have proved the difference between casual addiction to drugs and full addiction to drugs in rats. The full addiction rats are 90% more likely to be eaten by the casual drug rats.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton lesbian lovers
Shoot. I meant Fern Brittan.
written by Jo Dash, 14 March 2010
Jayne Torville "not a horse"
Jayne Torville has announced today that she has medical evidence that contrary to popular belief she is not a descendant of the long faced horse
written by Jo Dash, 14 March 2010
Clegg: "Lib Dems offer real change"
Real change as in offering Cardiff an Aberfan by insisting on keeping 1.5 million tons of water in a disused Llanishen reservoir located above hundreds of houses and a school.
written by Tcoah, 14 March 2010
Chief Exorcist Claims the Devil Is in the Vatican
Father Gabriele Amorth, chief Roman Catholic exorcist claims that the devil is living in the Vatican. The Pope is said to be angry. The devil, a.k.a. The Father of Lies says: "Now that IS a lie!!!"
written by IN SEINE, 14 March 2010
Jail Sentences for Knife Crime Could Cost £80 Million
Providing jail sentences for knife crimes could cost around £80 million, however, critics say that this figure is just "a stab in the dark!And were certain that cuts could be made"
written by IN SEINE, 14 March 2010
Did Jesus save my bacon?
A drunken bank cashier from Salford claims that an image of Jesus has appeared on his frying pan after he burnt some of the pork product. Hmmm... Jews? Bacon? Doubtful!!
written by IN SEINE, 14 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #11
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Timbergland!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #10
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Prawn Duel!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #9
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Mastermime!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #8
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Bare & Mounds!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Board Game Dropped #7
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Chinese Peckers!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #6
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Cackgammon!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Board Game Dropped #5
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Assword!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Board Game Dropped #4
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Poops & Bladders!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Board Game Dropped #3
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Trivial Hirsute.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Board Game Dropped #2
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Candy Ass Land!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Board Game Dropped
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: Battleshit!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
The Simpsons
On "The Simpsons" this week, Bart's really really dumb cousin Jessica shows up and embarrasses Homer.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
"pc" uk at it again
A family in Cannock, have been arrested for eating pancakes on a regular Tuesday
written by Jo Dash, 14 March 2010
Shy Snail Comes Out of His Shell
Wants to meet lady with GSOH, slow walks and some wet, sticky action.
written by unknown
American Idol Down To Final Twelve Contestants
Siobhan won't be removing her pierced lip ring during performances or else she'll also add whistling accompaniement.
written by unknown
Hermaphrodites are better Than Men AND Women
So a ladyboy poll claims
written by unknown
American Idol Down To Final Twelve Contestants
Siobhan reveals that she's added the judges to her list of tattoos (for luck), giving her 46 different pieces of body art.
written by unknown
Men are Better Than Women
So a male chauvinist pig poll claims
written by unknown
American Idol Down To Final Twelve Contestants
You mean we've got eleven more week's of this garbage before we get our normal programming back?
written by unknown
Women are Better Than Men
So a feminist poll claims.
written by unknown
American Idol Down To Final Twelve Contestants
All America wants to know: if Bowersox wins, will she get enough money to buy a bottle of shampoo?
written by unknown
Tibetan Leader Enters Zoo
Put in the Dalai Llama enclosure.
written by unknown
American Idol Down To Final Twelve Contestants
Top three projection: the girl who won't was her hair (Crystal), the Dike (Siobahn), and Big Mike.
written by unknown
American Idol Down To Final Twelve Contestants
The problem with "vote for the worst" is that it has at least nine performers to pick from.
written by unknown
Stock Markets Renamed...
..as gambling dens, and 'traders' as 'thieving b*stards'.
written by unknown
American Idol Down To Final Twelve Contestants
Kara's boy toy makes the cut, but how far will "the cougar" vote take him?
written by unknown
American Idol Down To Final Twelve Contestants
If these are the dozen most talented singers in America, this country is tone deaf!
written by unknown
American Idol Down To Final Twelve Contestants
Since only a few have any talent at all, this year is the same as year's past.
written by unknown
You Can't Always Get What You Want
"But if you try some time, you might find, you get what you can", says big lipped man.
written by unknown
American Idol Down To Final Twelve Contestants
As usual, tow of the obligatory/token minorities this season are the worst singers.
written by unknown
NCAA Basketball Tournament Announces Selections
Funny, but if you don't have a winning record within your own conference, can't win 20 games, and don't win your own conference tourney, why does being from a power conference let you in?
written by unknown
NCAA Basketball Tournament Announces Selections
If you missed the selection show, it was mostly just the mouths of Vitale and Packer doing their usual egotistical ravings.
written by unknown
NCAA Basketball Tournament Announces Selections
Next year, NCAA wants schools from all smaller conferences to be involved in the "play in game."
written by unknown
NCAA Basketball Tournament Announces Selections
Big East Conference upset that some of their schools were not selected, despite losing records.
written by unknown
NCAA Basketball Tournament Announces Selections
As usual, automatic qualifiers from the non-power conferences are seeded 40 to 64.
written by unknown
Permanent Favorite
When asked who was her favorite fictional star, Paris Hilton immediately responded with "Peter Parker".
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Britney Unites With Group For Album
Britney Spears has agreed to do an album with the group, "The Musicians Bizarre, Featuring Ringo Starr"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Britney Joins Group
Britney Spears has agreed to do an album with the group, "Beaver & The Cleavers"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Britney Performs With Group
Britney Spears has agreed to do an album with the group, "Born Naked Ladies".
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Tribute To A Great Comedian
Friends of the late comedian George Carlin said that Carlin was deeply depressed and told them that a friend of his who had worked in a tool & die factory, had died after a tool had fallen on him.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Latimer Lawsuit ?
In rural Arkansas yesterday, a family dog got into Joanie Latimer's pills for depression and barked, humped every dog or leg it could find and chased it's tail until it died.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Population Explosion
Report: U.S. Population to increase to 400 million by 2040, 200 million republicans, 199,999,999 democrats, Ralph Nader.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
New Study Of "Dumbing Down"
Study shows that brain cells are actually less in humans today so future could be reversing to past. Leaders in Iran, North Korea, television programs leading the way back to being Neanderthals.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
It's A Little Confusing
A new poll shows, that after President Bush finally admitted he couldn't find any WMD's in Iraq, nearly 55% say that he's lying.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
"Cheers" For Obama
President Obama will be the first U.S. President to receive a special award from Budweiser for his beer conference. He will later travel to Germany to receive a second award at annual Octoberfest.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Sarkozy's Upset
Dwarfgate: 5ft 5in Sarkozy's fury as 6ft Cameron and 5ft 11in Osborne 'mock his size': "Sarkozy is so short he could walk under a snake wearing a top hat."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Pecker On The Cheek
I kissed tourist but only on the cheek, says totally screwed Briton jailed in Dubai.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Dwarfgate
Dwarfgate: 5ft 5in Sarkozy's fury as 6ft Cameron and 5ft 11in Osborne 'mock his size': "He's so short he has to take a running jump to get on the commode."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Sarkozy Mad Over Short Jokes
Dwarfgate: 5ft 5in Sarkozy's fury as 6ft Cameron and 5ft 11in Osborne 'mock his size': He's so short his hair smells like feet!
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
No Longer On Jeopardy #24
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "Most Raped Statues"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
No Longer On Jeopardy #23
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes:"Best Meth Ingredients"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
No Longer On Jeopardy #22
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "Famous Women Who Can Hear Dog Whistles".
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
No Longer On Jeopardy #21
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "The Who's Who of Fucking, Austria".
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
No Longer On Jeopardy #20
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "The Wild Birds of Flippin, Arkansas".
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
No Longer On Jeopardy #19
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "Bald Knobs & Broomsticks"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Jets Coach Losing Weight
Jets coach Rex Ryan has weight-loss, game-loss surgeries.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Cruise Ship Up Shit Creek
Gastroin...Gastroenterith....The shits strikes cruise ship in Brazil.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Women Live Longer
Study: Women on the dill may live longer! I'm sorry, that should have been "pill".
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Fab Nick Clegg announces "real CHANGE" and withdraws the LIB DEMS, thank God!
Fab LIB DEM leader Nick the Dick Clegg has announced to his party and the country "real CHANGE", he's withdrawing his bunch of losers, David Cameron hopes Nick will not jump in bed with him either!
written by unknown
Country Already Has A Bad Name For Chavez
Venezuela's Chavez: Internet should be regulated. Spoofs, Cartoonists kept from giving him a bad name.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Jets Pound Rocks Again
Pakistani jets pound Taliban hide-outs. "The smaller we can pound those rocks, the less places they have to hide."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
China Promises More Imports
China promises steps to boost imports. Especially looking to purchase gold, platinum and silver.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Brighter But Stupid?
Obama promise: Brighter education futures for kids. Maybe for all of us if al-Qaida nuclear weapons go off.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Mom: Daughter Confused
US mom: Daughter held in Ireland 'lost her mind'. "She clams leprechauns told authorities told on her about al-Qaida."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
GPS Voice Willing To Testify In Court
APNewsBreak: Probe questions runaway Prius story as car GPS voice system says owner was faking it.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Need The Light
Storm leaves Northeast soggy, windblown and dark. Request that new daylight savings time go there first.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Neighbors Helping During Outages
Storm leaves Northeast soggy, windblown and dark as neighbors help neighbors by loaning batteries, flashlights and Viagra pills.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Bowling Green Changing
Speed limit ordinance discussed in Bowling Green. Authorities say not having speed limits have caused a whole shitload of wrecks. "We need to join other cities, even putting up traffic lights."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Chinese Reassured
China wants US reassurance over dollar. Fed Chairman Bernanke assures them: "Yep, those are dollars, alright. Many, many dollars."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Society Security Asks For Their Money Sent In Over The Years
Social Security to start cashing Uncle Sam's IOUs. Uncle Sam: "About those IOU's, hee hee hee. I spent the money already."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Hadrians Wall is illuminated by a bunch of LOONY Sassenachs, the Scots thought it was war!
Whilst celebrating Hadrians Wall, Roman Gods and Emperors, disturbed Sassenach historians forgot to tell the Scots, misunderstanding the intentions, they attacked, thank God (Jupiter) were all BRITS
written by unknown
Also Disobeys Himself At Times
President Barack Obama is having difficulty getting all federal agencies to follow his order to deliver "a new era of open government," especially Democrat leaders Pelosi and Reid.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Better Pack Just In Case
Native Hawaiian government may become reality. Native Americans in continental US ask for land back.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Storms Hit Northeast
Storm leaves Northeast wet, soggy, windblown, darkness, many pregnancies.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Hung Parliament
If there is a Hung Parliament will they
Hang Gordon Brown first.
written by SPECTRUM, 14 March 2010
Scientist puts Humpty back together
Thanks to new stem cell research a scientist put Humpy Dumpty back together yesterday. Mr Dumpty said "I've waited a long time for this."
written by Proffitt, 14 March 2010
Sing a Song of Sixpence, a Pocketful of Rye
. . . and another pocketful of Scotch, Gin, and Vodka.
written by Gail Farrelly, 14 March 2010
Tom Hanks to Nasa : We should not try another "moon shot"
"Remember what happened in the Apollo 13 movie", Hanks said in an interview Friday. "We just can't take that kind of risk with the astronaut's lives!"
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
McDonalds "McSushi" not a big hit in southern U.S.A.
But McChicken McFried McBacon is!
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Fireflies being cultivated as new green energy source in the south
Fireflies, or lightning bugs, are being touted by
Al Gore as the new green home lighting system for the southern U.S.A.
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Prius now the favored get-away car by bank robbers and crooks
After currently holding the record of winning nine out of ten police car chases, the little Toyota hybrids have made clean get-aways while getting exceptional gas mileage.
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Harley Davidson Motorcycle Company to introduce new green cycle
The company will include a set of pedals with the smaller 20 hp. gas saving engine. A decorative, useful basket will be attached in the front to carry small items, like flowers, puppies, and kittens.
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Fedex girlfriends jealous of new girlfriends
The delivery fellas need to be discrete!
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Heavy snow causes power outrage in Northeast
"Man, this is the angriest storm ever!" Massachusetts lineman, Paul J. Smunkers, said yesterday through flying, painful, sleet.
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
World's elephants have suddenly developed anorexia nervosa
"We think it is a response to seeing their photos in People Magazine under the 'who's got the most cellulite in the world?'" section, says Indian zoologist, Patel Abbedegar, reporting from Bombay.
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Japanese President "velly intelested" in trade talks
In a major breakthrough in Pacific Trade Forum talks today the Japanese leader expressed concern over Alaskan clab catches.
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Obama first black president to live in White House
Among many of the president's "firsts" is his palatial home on Pennsylvania Ave.
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Al Gore eaten by polar bear in an absolute display of irony
Incredibly, the foremost spokesman on the dangers of melting polar ice and the approaching cataclysm was eaten today by a bear angry at having to swim the 2700 nautical miles to his Virginia mansion.
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Nation promises rent payment by "next Thursday"
In a country that is seriously behind on their bills, yet another promise to pay has been made. We'll see what's in the mail by Friday.
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Polluted Fish
One out of three U.S. Lakes contain polluted fish according to new report. "Source of alcohol still not discovered."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Hillary At It Again!
Secretary of state Clinton now telling everyone about her holding up in old monastery during Vietnam War. "I still have a piece of fruitcake in my leg when bombed by Viet Cong."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Boomers Already Protesting
Baby boomers say that President won't get rid of them so easily with any new health care. "Hell No, We Won't Go!"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
United Nations called in to arbitrate between Angelina, Brad and Jenn
The trio have been absorbing 90% of the world's headlines for years and the governing body is going to solve the problem once and for all!
written by Wumf, 14 March 2010
Think Tank #7
That new Think Tank in Louisville, Kentucky, according to the article in the Courier Journal, is now studying, "Why is there constant war in the Mideast for 2000 years but the Midwest so peaceful?"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Think Tank #6
That new Think Tank in Louisville, Kentucky, according to the article in the Courier Journal, is now studying, "Why are there eleven teams in The Big Ten Conference?"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Think Tank #5
That new Think Tank in Louisville, Ky, according to article in the Courier Journal, is now studying "Why do prison guards say you will have 24-hour protection, then hand you an under arm deodorant?"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
Think Tank #4
That new Think Tank in Louisville, Kentucky, according to the article in the Courier Journal, is now studying "Are heated arguments worse or better than a screaming match".
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
New Think Tank #3
That new Think Tank in Louisville, Kentucky, according to the article in the Courier Journal, is now studying "Why do tits always look better in a red blouse?"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
New Think Tank #2
That new Think Tank in Louisville, Kentucky, according to the article in the Courier Journal, is now studying "Why do people always say 'shit happens', instead of 'feces take place'?
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
New Think Tank
That new Think Tank in Louisville, Kentucky, according to the article in the Courier Journal, is now studying "Why are there no ice cream sandwiches on rye or wheat?"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2010
