Ponder Awhile
with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
Soft! Before the cock crows, the widgeon has already roosted, and the donkey covets the mare's nest.
written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2010
Manual Author to have Shrine
Late avant-garde craft manual author Herge Dumpfelmaus has a commemorative library near his home in Lake Titicaca. Visitors can browse such works as The Hidden Value of Chimneys, Igloos for All Seasons and Vegetable Wallpaper.
written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2010
"Venables Was My Colonic Irrigation Therapist" Claim
John Venables performed colonic irrigation on an Anglesey woman, it was claimed yesterday. "He was firm but gentle", said Myfanwy Dyffydyddyfydd, 47. "He isn't the murderer - I wouldn't let him near my rectum", she added.
written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2010
More Music
Excerpts from Silent Bugler Adelbert Greubelberger's new album Music from the Silent Movies are to be used as accompaniment to a special screening of Battleship Potemkin at the Irkutsk Film Festival this July.
written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2010
Around the WIs
Watering & Pestleford hosted a vicar-strangling evening on the 25th. Mrs Waxbelly took 17 minutes to strangle the Curate of St Obelisk's, but the Gropeworthy sisters, acting as a tag team, throttled Reverend Nuxter in 5 minutes 34 seconds.
written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2010
Scientists prove chalk is similar to cheese.
Many conversations will now become meaningless.
written by Proffitt, 11 March 2010
Arrests at Aunty Beeb
BBC head of light entertainment arrested by Trades Description officials, for claiming Bellamy's People is a comedy. He will be hanged on Monday!
written by Proffitt, 11 March 2010
Help For Unemployed: #3
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, all the recently hired employees eat their burger and fries with chop sticks.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Help For Unemployed #2
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, at company party, only tequila drinks served.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Help For Unemployed #1
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, your last six memos have been in Chinese.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Tabloid fury over "psycho foetus"
A tabloid reacted with over-zealous fury today when it found that a baby infected its own mother with HIV while still in the womb. "If we'd 'a known we'd never 'a let it be born," fumed the rag.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 11 March 2010
Becks gets the boot from Sir Alex, and admitted, "I deserved it!"
Sir Alex threw a boot at Becks last night, he was so angry because he taught Becks all he knows, then turning up and performing so pathetically deserved nothing less than Sir Alex's boot!
written by unknown
Child Actor Dies of Mediocrity
The entertainment failed to be shocked by the news of the death of child actor Corny Heinz, 38. Heinz, a lifetime member of the "Not Terribly Good" club was found dead of mediocrity in his home.
written by Daniel Bristol, 11 March 2010
Long lost Jewish tribe found in Zimbabwe, Moses did part the waves!
It's now a proven fact, Moses in his Exodus parted the waves and some of his ancestors, now turned Black, have been found in Zimbabwe. They wish to return to Israel but unfortunately Moses is dead!
written by unknown
New Boomer Release #7
Simon and Garfunkle's updated "Cecilia, You're Letting Killer Farts" to be released in June.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Aging Boomer #6
The Beatles release former number one hit, "Piss, I Love To"
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Aging Boomer Update #5
"All Things Must Pass...Eventually." From the updated Beatles album "Dear Prunes".
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Aging Boomer Update #4
"Hey You, Get Off Of My White Cloud!" will be passed by Stones later in the year.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Aging Boomer Update #3
"I Get By With A Little Help From My Pills" will be out by summer.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Aging Boomers #2
Re-release of the Beatles song, "Don't Let Me Down, Help Me Get Up" out next month
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Boomer Updates
Much older Bob Dylan re-releases "Like A Kidney Stone!'
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
20 New Species, None Pretty
Ten new species found swimming around in the water of New York City hot dog vendor.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
It's A Sign!
Atheists flock to tree with face of Charles Darwin on its bark.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Jackson Alias #31
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including "Harry Cox".
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Mexican Billionaire #1
Rise of the son of a poverty-stricken Mexican shopkeeper: £35.7bn Carlos Slim knocks Bill Gates off top Forbes rich list. Mexico may change name to Slimco.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Millions Face Death Tax
Millions face 10% death tax: Middle class hit hardest by Labour plan to fund elderly care. Will be kept on life support until full amount paid.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Toyota Denies Any Guns
Toyota 'smoking gun' memo from staff warned of safety issues FOUR years ago, but Toyota claims all guns were removed before any shipped out!
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Teacher Told To Forget Games
Primary schoolchildren in tears after they are told they will be removed from families as part of Holocaust 'game'. Next week, "The Black Plague" game.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Modern Day Miracle
Young mother struck down with terminal cancer and told 'You've got two weeks to live' EIGHTY years ago! Wait a minute. She just popped off!
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Your Taxes At Work
A frail pensioner who lives in a village with no pedestrian crossing has to take a 14-mile bus journey just to cross the road.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Faster Than A runaway Toyota!
Plans unveiled for £30billion rail link with 250mph trains that will plough through heart of England!
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Ghosts Sold!
A New Zealand woman sold two vials that she said contained the ghosts of an old man & a young girl for almost NZ$2,000 ($1,410) after a fiercely contested online auction, as most only contain spirits.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Raphael At Milwaukee
Milwaukee museum to show Raphael painting. Other ninja turtles, Leonardo, Donatello and Michelango to follow.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Moved Very Slow
Milwaukee museum to show Raphael painting. Judge new painting not bad for someone over 500 years old.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Is That A Salmon....?
Salmon in your pocket can pinpoint salmonella, show people you're happy to see them.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes!
48 Hawaii-only species given endangered listing, including one Jimmy Buffet in nearby Margaritaville.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Loggerheads Being Considered
Endangered listing eyed for US loggerhead turtles, mostly in Senate and House.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Jackson Alias #30
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including "Brook Trout".
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Jackson Alias #29
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including "Rabi Balddick".
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Foreclosures Down...Some
Positive sign as foreclosure rates up by only 90% of amount 4 years ago.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
US Hamstrung
Analysis: US hamstrung on Israeli settlements. Israel says to leave settlements, ham out of discussions.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Salmonella Traced
CDC uses shopper-card data to trace Salmonella Sally!
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Old Men Love Sex
Even in Old Age, Men Want Sex More Than Women, as 102 year old male died "in the saddle".
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Sex AND Women
Even in Old Age, Men Want Sex More Than Women, but would prefer both.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Jackson Alias #28
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including "S. Howard Pickles".
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Jackson Alias #27
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Biff Wellington.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Jackson Alias #26
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Craven Morehead.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Biden: Peace In Our Time!
Biden: Talks can meet Israeli, Palestinian goals (to wipe each other out).
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Shock Probation Denied
North Dakota man denied shock probation, goes into shock.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Toyota Buying Ad Space
Spike in Prius complaints may not be all it seems, according to two-page Toyota ads placed in all major US newspapers.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Birth Contest?
Minority births on track to outnumber white births, which will then minority births.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Bring Me My Teeth & 2 Viagra Tabs!
Even in Old Age, Men Want Sex More Than Women...but still are fond of women.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Close Schools, Purchase Buses
Mass school closures approved in Kansas City, Mo. to keep system from bankruptcy, pay for new buses to bring kids to school.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Health Bill Mentioned
Democrats, White House close in on health bill after chasing it for over a year.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Swiss Accounts Info Stolen
HSBC: data on 24,000 Swiss account holders stolen as at least 12 street vendors in NYC on list for millions.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Brown planning a 'do or die,' approach to win the General Election.
If the polls show a 15 point deficit for Labour he will invade Argentina. 'He is quoted as saying 'Who do they think they are? And I'll have Brazil if da Silva doesn't shut it.'
written by Proffitt, 11 March 2010
The truth about Susan
Susan Boyle, the Scottish warbler, has denied rumours she is a "ring-in", a fraudulent attempt by Simon Cowell to make money. "Noo" she said "Arm joost his idea of a jooke".
Hope that clears theair.
written by whatinthe world, 11 March 2010
RMT To Strike
65% turnout for strike ballot. 35% late due to leaves and wrong kind of snow.
written by Skoob1999, 11 March 2010
Bike Directions Now Available on Google Maps
Horseback and pony express directions coming soon.
written by Gail Farrelly, 11 March 2010
U. S. Chief Justice John Roberts Demands Equal Time
Since Obama railed against the Court at the State of the Union speech, Roberts has now scheduled a State of the Court speech and plans to take the opportunity to bash the President.
written by Gail Farrelly, 11 March 2010
Carlos Slim of Mexico is World's Richest Person
New York's Mayor Bloomberg whines, "That could have been me if I hadn't spent a hunk of my own money on my campaigns."
written by Gail Farrelly, 11 March 2010
Researchers Say Men Want Sex until They Are Near Death
This is news?
written by Gail Farrelly, 11 March 2010
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
This means that, for the next seven days, there will be no "Wind in the Willows."
written by unknown
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Dry conditions will keep anyone from "Singin' In The Rain."
written by unknown
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
For the next 72 hours, "I've Got Sunshine, On a Cloudy Day."
written by unknown
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
That blowing dust is now "Gone With The Wind."
written by unknown
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Groups of people meet friends and move under shelters to avoid storm as "Hail, Hail, the Gangs All Here"
written by unknown
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Depressed moods expected to start the new week as "Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down."
written by unknown
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Moonshine makers fear that "tropical depression this year, might be the answer to this hillbilly beer."
written by unknown
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
People hoping for spring upset that, with the snow, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."
written by unknown
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Motorists and pedestrians advised to be careful, as they should expect a lot of "Dust in the wind."
written by unknown
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Weathermen say to open your windows for a glorious Spring and "Let the Sunshine In."
written by unknown
Word On The Street!
Police report that 'the word on the street' this morning is something really vulgar. Advice children go another way until it's cleaned off.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Too Busy Out Commiting Crimes
Television screws itself. They've telecast so much sex and violence, whole generation hasn't any time for watching TV.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
"I Saw'Her First!"
Old farts retired in Florida say they have found the Fountain of Youth, and that her name is Bambi.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Ready For Spring
A group of tornado chasers getting ready for a big spring are joined by group of tornado, hurricane looters.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Al-Qaida #2 On Shit List
Big chunk of airplane iced crap lands, appropriately enough, on al-Qaida #2, leaving only a spot on the ground.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Cloned Meat #5
F & G Market closed after pleading guilty of selling cloned meat. Angry former customers hang another effigy outside F & G's closed door.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Cloned Meat #4
Double & Squeak Restaurants in England accused of using cloned meat.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Cloned Meat/Milk #3
Twin & Jerry's Ice Cream accused of using milk from cloned cows.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Cloned Meat #2
McDoubles Burgers accused of using cloned meat after customers kept complaining that it was repeating on them.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
Cloned Meat?
The Twins Outback Restaurant accused of selling cloned meat.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2010
