World cup squad missing!
After a sightseeing visit to the Kinsala Lion Park the England team have gone missing. Smiling Head Keeper, Mr Okubu, said; "I have never heard of this England united team".
written by armfeetandtoe, 11 June 2010
KKK New UK Chapter Uncovered!
Following the dismal showing of the British National Party in the recent UK elections former candidates elect have united in forming a KKK alliance based in the seaside town of Eastbourne.
written by iscrivener, 11 June 2010
Dud Of The Year Named?
June 2010, Chelsea's John Terry has been named "Dud of the Year" after he came top of a poll of English footy fans in a "I'm Firing Blanks" survey!
written by iscrivener, 11 June 2010
He's The Expert
V.P. Joe Biden has began his African tour, which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya, & S. Africa & already he's put his foot in his mouth. Oh he hasn't said anything, it's just a custom in S. Africa.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Reason #2 Why Lindsay Lohan's Assistant Quit her Job.
Message she left on Lohan's answering machine: "Hi, Lindsay. I got your message. Listen, I don't think it'll help if I breathe into your SCRAM bracelet for you, OK?
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #1 Why Lindsay Lohan's Assistant Quit her Job.
She was sick of answering Lohan every time she yelled, "Keg stand! Hold my legs."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #3 Why Lindsay Lohan's Assistant Quit her Job.
Because Lohan turned the assistant's bedroom into a meth lab.
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #4 Why Lindsay Lohan's Assistant Quit her Job.
She finally had to say, "Lindsay, that is my bath powder. It's not what you think."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
3 Quarters, Dime & 2 Pennies = Dollar!
Latest drop in the US dollar to 87 cents has citizens all over the country looking for change in couches & chairs.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
A breath of hot, fresh air
Rush Limbaugh ties the knot a fourth time to show his respect for the sanctity of marriage. Bride Kathryn: "It was the happiest day of my life." Limbaugh: "It probably placed in the top 3, folks."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 11 June 2010
Dog At It Again
BP to Obama at meeting: "Sorry Sir, the dog ate the figures we had when the oil well first started leaking."
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
"Weep No More My Lady!"
It was so hot in Washington DC today that the statue of Lincoln began singing "My Old Kentucky Home".
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Man Eater
Hall and Oates have canceled their scheduled appearance in Phoenix because of Arizona illegal immigrant law. Also because their real names are Huaxpitzcactzin and Ortez.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Look! A Walking Ass!
Top Portuguese science award goes to 2 US neuroscientists researching human sight, mostly at WalMarts. "Quite a sight", says one.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
US Consumer's Giving Mixed Signals
US consumer data for May give mixed signals for economy. "Some days you get the smile, some days you get the finger", says Wally Mart greeter.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Solar Flares Hit The Road!
Solar flares could become so hot this summer that it will melt tar on the road. But it shouldn't bother you because your tires will have melted already.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Also Sport Goatees
Seal whiskers sense faraway fish. "I smell fish but they are faaaar out, man!"
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Needs To Lose A Few Stone
Kirsty Alley says that since she's gotten really fat, she mostly goes on blind dates. "I've been on so many blind dates in the past two years that I won a seeing eye dog.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Michelle's Mother' Bad Health
Michelle Obama admits that her mother is not in good shape. "She's never really exercised. I remember when she got winded using a rotary dial telephone."
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Japan's Solar Sail In Space #2
Japan unfurls Ikaros solar sail in space. It is immediately attack by Somali pirates.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Solar Sail In Space
Japan unfurls Ikaros solar sail in space but debt collapse on ground not smooth sailing.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Really Really Bad
BP oil spill now double that of early "catastrophic" prediction.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Tribe take in GB
Ex UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has been accepted as a member of the Zulooze tribe in Uganda. Criterior is strict as they only accept PM's with less than 3 years service under their belt. Zulooze!
written by whatinthe world, 11 June 2010
Blatter pulls plug on South African World Cup
With the first game in the World Cup just a few minutes old, Sep Blatter has decided to cancel the tournament because a fan called him an "old fart". Blatter was said to be enraged by the comment.
written by whatinthe world, 11 June 2010
Brown headed for South Africa
The former Prime Minister of UK, Gordon Brown, has been chosen as a late addition to the England World Cup Squad in South Africa. Brown will warm the bench for England's first Cup game in a few days.
written by whatinthe world, 11 June 2010
Google Too Interfering #2
Google announces that you two still can really go at it for a couple married over 35 years.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Google Too Interfering
Google just showed your old "Demented looking junior high school photo" to millions, as camera's rally zoom in. Why were you looking at that old annual?
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Recommendation Angers Castro
GOP recommends placing huge jet fans on shores to blow oil slick to Cuba.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
CAMER'ON ENGLAND!
Prime Minister Dave Cameron is backing England to win the World Cup. "I got 8-1 at Ladbrokes & bet the entire economy on it." If England are successful the country will be a staggering £64 better off.
written by Ron Smith, 11 June 2010
Maybe This Would Help
BP Considering changing name to Blackwater or Whitewater or Goldwater to try and improve image.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Economist: "I Give Up!"
U S Retail sales unexpectedly fall in May after being unexpectedly being up in April.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Thomas Retires
Helen Thomas retires to spend more time studying the Third Reich.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
No More Royal Treatment
President Obama becomes the first US President to be slapped by his Mother-In-Law for comment about wife. Bush was the first slapping from a Mom. Jimmy Carter, kick in the ass by Miss Lillian.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Obama Still Working On It
Obama says he's "Had enough of these doodlewhacking leaks from this dadgum spill!" Says he still needs some practice.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Elton John To Play
Elton John accepts offer to play at friend's wedding..but not the piano.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Fox Back With Transformers
Megan Fox Dumped From "Transformers 3"; may be back. "She's totally transformed herself", says director.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Customers Not Laughing
Stand-Up comedian driven from stage in Florida after announcing that he was getting over 59 miles per pelican.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Americans Depressed
Most Americans depressed as oil keeps leaking into Gulf, "Sex and the City 2" remains in theaters.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Immigrants Dumbing Down Country
'Immigrants are making our country dumber': Anger as board member of Germany's central bank cites, Goebbels Hitler, shows 'ample statistics'
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Tired Of Dragging Privates As He Reached For Extra Helpings
Tipper Gore says she was turned off Al Gore after his global warming excuse allowed him to walk around naked all day.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
No Global Warming
Doubts about global warming are on the rise after 'big freeze' winter and heated emails row!
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Police Car Rampage
Pensioner, 89, killed by marked police car! Police crew ordered to remove all four previously marked kills on side of hood.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
This Time I Mean It!
Obama, with a grim face, summons BP Chief to White House for 54th time.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Couple Survive 300Ft Plunge
Miracle couple walk away with minor injuries after sports car plunges 300ft down a ravine. Credit extra airbag, parachute.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
NCAA Sanctions Rough
USC hit hard by NCAA sanctions! "No football for the next twenty years!"
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Probably In Lost Luggage Department
Delta apologizes for putting kids on wrong flights. "They'll pop up somewhere assures Officials."
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Obama Gas Rules 'Pass'
Obama's greenhouse gas rules survive Senate vote. Senator Byrd wheeled back onto Senate floor as GOP put on gas masks.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Greece Objects To Phrase
Japan PM warns of Greece-like debt crisis. Greece starting to be offended with term "Greece-Like"
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
BP Shares Up
British Petroleum shares slide back in today's London trading.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Not Necessarily Nixon
Impressionist Rich Little confessed to doing most of the better "Nixon Tapes" found at the White House.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Files Almost Ready
Release set for more of Kagan's Clinton-era files as workers finish up black-out pencilings.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Clinton Encourages Dems
Interview: Bill Clinton to Dems, 'Never give up! There are plenty of Monica's out there if you will just look."
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Simpson Headed For Reform School
Videos will likely be star witnesses in BART trial as young Simpson seen breaking over 10,000 laws.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Solar Flares #8
Mort Active Sun Means Nasty Polar Storms A head! Cood interfeer wid cumpooters.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Pope Begs Forgiveness
Pope begs forgiveness, promises action on abuse. Many parents say there's been too much "action" by priests already.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Solar Flares #7
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Hollywood starlets told to move to Alaska until they are over of risk melted boobs, face, ass.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Worthlesss Paper
Ahmadinejad calls UN resolution 'worthless paper'. Wipes his ass on it on National TV.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Really Old Shoe Discovered
Oldest leather shoe steps out after 5,500 years. "Air Grogg" brand on the side.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Solar Flares #6
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead. Don't be surprised if Howdy Doody, Dave Garroway & Mr. Muggs show back up on TV with mixed satellites.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Solar Flares #5
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Fire walkers may stay in the fire as highways, etc. melt.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Solar Flares #4
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Weathermen will be able to roast pig with apple in it's mouth on the sidewalk.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Solar Flares #3
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Should be able to light cigarettes on parking meters while smoking outside workplace.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Thosre Solar Flares #2
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Nudists warned to cover themselves in Gulf Oil.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Those Solar Flares
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead as solar flares expected to down satellites, set forests ablaze, but milder than expected.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Oil Getting Worse #2
Oil to wash in for months, years as President Obama meets with BP chief for first time almost two months after spill.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Oil Getting Worse
With each look at oil flow, the numbers get worse as President, BP Oil ask that cameras be turned off.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
She's got a lot of balls
16-year-old sailor Abby Sunderland rescued after activating emergency beacons in stormy seas off Madagascar. Unfazed, Abby plans to be first teen to cross Gulf oil spill this hurricane season.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 11 June 2010
EPA: Should the Gulf's Oil-soaked Birds be Rescued or Killed?
Said Quackers, the oil-soaked birds' spokesperson, "Are you kidding me? So my choices are get cleaned or DIE?! We'll go with 'cleaned', thankyouveryf-ckingmuch."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
World Worried China Seeking Major Oil Spill Of Its Own To Counter US Gaining Free Publicity
Chinese subs spotted off coast of Hong Kong targetting two giant offshore rigs.Politburo out to prove that as a great power China's negligence can cause problems for global environment too. full story
written by ronin47empire, 11 June 2010
Reason #1 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"I hereby bequeath all my possessions to Shannon Price, who is sweet, and beautiful, and is in no way a gold-digger, and would never consider profiting from my death."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #2 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath all my possessions. Because there is no way that, three years from now, she will push me down the steps and I will suffer a brain hemorrhage and die."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #3 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my copy of Kendra Wilkinson's Sex Tape. God, do you KNOW what I would do to her? Seriously, what would I do? Because I have no idea."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #4 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my souvenir tar-ball from the Gulf Coast. Damned BP."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #6 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my photo with President Barack Obama in the White House."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #5 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my Mass Card from Rue McClanahan's funeral. Good night, funny lady."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #7 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my autograph from Captain Sully. Damned geese."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #8 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my McCain - Palin 2008 t-shirt. Sarah'll be back. And I doubt they're implants."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #9 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my Tivo'ed copy of the Series finale of Lost. God, JJ Abrams screwed the pooch on that one."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Reason #10 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath all of my Zhu Zhu Pets."
written by anthonyrosania, 11 June 2010
Pope Benedict Notes Appeal
Pope asked to allow priests to marry by priests, parents of choir boys and divorce lawyers!
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Americans Behind Others Behind
Report: U.S. lags behind most nations in Sex Education, as
Americans "among the worst ass kissers." France comes in at #1.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Desperate Drivers
Police patrol along beaches in Florida to make sure there is no oil looting.
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Shows #15
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Beaver & Butt Show"
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Shows #14
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Horace Ripley's Believe It Or Not!"
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Shows #13
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "American Noodle"
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Shows #12
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "All In The Family Way"
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Shows #11
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Alfred Hitchcock Presents: His Hitched Cock"
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Shows #10
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Stark Naked City"
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Shows #9
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "ABC's Nude World Of Sports, Live From Greece"
written by Bureau, 11 June 2010
