Prison scandal
Prisons minister admits he regularly 'knocks-up' female prisoners.
written by Jimbo123, 30 June 2010
Are Burqa's Out?
Tory MP launches first legal bid to ban burkha in Britain after catching glimpse of huge beards on two individuals.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Whatever It Was, I Just Knocked The Shit Out Of It!
Laughing yobs caught on CCTV hurling rocks, dropping shitty diapers and piss-balloons at cars from a bridge over one of Britain's busiest motorways.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Hitler Still Unpopular
Lock of Napoleon's hair sells for $13,000, Hitler's half-inch penis brings a dollar, two ninety-eight.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Geese Still Around
Geese behind plane's NY river landing still around, still bragging about bringing down The Big Bird!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
We're Drugged To Death!
Cholesterol drugs for the healthy still debatable, as is giving 10-year-old girls birth control tablets.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Must Remember The Old Saying
SAfrica sees rise in post-circumcision deaths. Told to be sure they measure twice, cut once.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Works Like A Charm
SKorea votes to legalize chemical castration. Balls drop off after second bottle.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Wrong Burial Site
Unusual 17th-century Dutch horse burial site found. "We were looking for Dutch Oven Burial Site!"
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
May Be That Of Impotent
Egypt finds evidence of unfinished ancient tomb as pyramid only ten foot high.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Giant Whale Named
Giant predatory whale named for 'Moby Dick' actual author, Commie Ishmael!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Where's Kirstie Alley?
Some 70,000 turtle eggs to be whisked far from oil. Al Gore agrees to sit on half of them, since gaining some weight.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
They're Still At It!
Scientific panel reviewing unintended acceleration! Right after runaway Toyota runs through big glass window and knocks over table.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
What Happened To Rebuilding Infrastructure!
Obama: Attacking debt will be 'our project'! I Mean Joblessness! No Afghanistan & Iraq! Right after the Oil Spill!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Legals Hurting Also
Obama says he's trying to bring jobs back to US. "Half of our illegal aliens still can't find jobs!"
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Jobless May Be Able To Draw For Ten Years
Unable to pass stimulus, Dems push aid for jobless hoping it will put more people to work. Something doesn't sound right there?
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Mr. Peabody A Witness
NY suspect dubbed Natasha of Russian spy case."We were only here for moose & squirrel!"
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
FDA Sets Standard
When is a drug too risky to stay on the market? FDA sets new standards that at least 10 people have to die.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Wild Show At Bullfight
Strong earthquake hits southern Mexico, knocking down fence at bullfight, releasing 68 bulls who chase 21 matadors all over stadium. Crowd loves it!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Spy Given Asylum
US judge agrees to grant asylum to ex-Israeli spy. Sent to nuthouse early this morning.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
According To Colonel!
US, Afghans repel attack against major base. Attackers change strategy and attack general base.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
More Stans Into It
Uzbeks, Salastanians, Ithicastan plead for help after return to Kyrgyzstan and Yukickasstan.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Mayba A Month
Pope shuffles Vatican bureaucracy before vacation on the French Riviera.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Hurricane Pushes Oil Spill
Gulf beaches hit as distant hurricane pushes oil. Cleaners complaining of oil spray in hair, beards.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Obama: GOP Has Wrong Vision
Obama attacks GOP over vision for the country. "You see us 13 trillion dollars in debt. But, put on these rose-colored glasses and you'll see it as a loan from friendly countries."
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Handling Public Complaints
San Jose police auditor proposes new way to handle public complaints: "No Spekka Englee!sh"
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Had To Gamble
Ex-AIG exec defends risky trades before crisis. "We were so far down, I kept going double or nothing."
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
It's Petraeus Again
Senate confirms Gen. Petraeus to lead Afghan war. Petraeus: "I'm so happy to return for the fourth time, I could just shit!"
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Kagan Winning Confirmation
Smooth operator: Kagan slips GOP attacks on her way to Supreme Court nod. Floors Jim Bunning with a right hook!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Getting Confusing
Who's Protecting U.S. Convoys, Supply Lines in Afghanistan? A group of hired Taliban.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Long Dry Spell
Bear in first recorded Kentucky attack since "D. Boon Kilt A Bar Here In 1766" still at large.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Madman Keeps Running
I TOLD YOU, NOT TO FUKIN FOLLOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
written by armfeetandtoe, 30 June 2010
Naomi Campbell to testify in war crimes case, but she's just to 'stoned'!
Naomi Campbell is to testify against bloody war criminal, ex-Liberian Pres. Charles Taylor. Naomi swears she was totally stoned at the time and can't remember a thing apart from the pristine coke!
written by Jaggedone, 30 June 2010
Jean Michel Cousteau dies in diving shock.
Jacques Cousteau's son drowned today. A diver said the marine biologist (72) who had mild dementia became confused, removed his aqua lung and tried to sniff his fart underwater,choking on the bubbles.
written by A MCRORY, 30 June 2010
A Load of Balls!
In Eastbourne last night a local comedian had the rolling in the isles in a bowling alley.
written by Trollbuster General, 30 June 2010
Suicide Bomber
Israeli police have arrested a dimwitted suicide bomber after he tried to blow some people up with a bicycle pump.
written by Trollbuster General, 30 June 2010
Graffiti
The artist Banksie has complained that whenever he tries to create some graffiti he runs into a brick wall.
written by Trollbuster General, 30 June 2010
Pedophilia
Recent research has shown that pedophilia is in its infancy.
written by Trollbuster General, 30 June 2010
Man in Bath devastated at two belly button find.
The Bath man was convinced he had a tiny penis until urologists told him that he has been urinating from a second belly button connected to his urethra since birth.For the interested both are outies.
written by A MCRORY, 30 June 2010
A Londoner on Facebook who collected 360 friends from Czechoslovakia hasjust been named the new World Chess Champion because of all his Czech mates.
written by Trollbuster General, 30 June 2010
Spanish Sex
A man in Spain was arrested after his wife complained about his love making. She didn't mind him having sex doggie fashion; it was just the fact that he bit her ankles afterwards that she objected to.
written by Trollbuster General, 30 June 2010
Tate Gallery
The latest work of art in the Tate Gallery is a bucket of shit. Visitors are flying in from everywhere to see it.
written by Trollbuster General, 30 June 2010
World's Smallest Man
The world's smallest man who mysteriously disappeared after having sex has been found. He was discovered inside the woman's vagina.
written by Trollbuster General, 30 June 2010
Fraud
The FA announced that after a two year investigation, Fraud Squad officers have arrested a gang who were selling forged birth certificates to football referees.
written by Trollbuster General, 30 June 2010
Gun Opponents Speak Out
Anti-Handgun group leaders say judges should be shot!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Will Carry Guns Anyway
Gun law challenges likely after high court ruling as both sides have 50 lawsuits lined up.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Gun-Rights Explained
Fast facts: High court's gun-rights ruling at a glance. Here's the 2,000 page breakdown!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Picky, Picky, Picky!!
Bank bill gets patched up, moves closer to passage as ten of 3892 page removed.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
It Did What?
Panel examines role of derivatives in crisis, asked by Senators to explain that in everyday English.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Must Be A Curse!
Wind, waves from hurricane dock oil skimming boats, knocking most of collected oil back into Gulf.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Hoping She'll Crack
High court nominee faces another day of questions as Republicans place bigger wattage bulb over her head.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Buggy Summer
A very buggy summer predicted by experts. "People are bugging out over the economy everywhere."
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Another Plan Fails
Nearly 1 in 3 U.S. Q1 home sales a foreclosure: report, as Obama loses another one.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
King Replacement Sought
After 25 years, CNN seeks Larry King's replacement . Looking for younger, under 100 years old for fresh face.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
May Do His Own Show!
North Korea's Kim puts out 12th best-selling CD of his best cartoon voices.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Missile Launch Successful!
US intercepts ballistic missile in test off Hawaii. Hawaiian officials ask what would have happened if it had been unsuccessful!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Could Just Be Showing Off
Australian, 90, accused of raping 4 Thai sisters, confesses he's guilty even though he may not be.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Sexy Lady Spy
NY suspect dubbed femme fatale of Russian spy case. Already received over 200 marriage proposals.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Freedom At Last
Pennsylvania man who was constantly raped by fellow inmate gets out of prison. Asks if he can return for conjugal visits.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Finally Out
Pennsylvania man who was constantly raped by fellow inmate gets out of prison. Asks for cellmates number when he gets out next year.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Russian Spy Suspects
Russian Spy suspects had interests in science, sex, finance, sex, technology, sex!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Opponents Still Gunning For Gun Changes
Gun law challenges likely after high court ruling. Five justices say they are armed in case they are attacked.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Any New News?
Americans are treated, and overtreated, to death. Also, news and overnews to death as this headline has been posted everyday this week.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Can Regulate Basic Human Rights Away
Utah gun permit business booming. Anti-gun laws work about as well as prohibition did alcohol.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
People Will Do As They Please
Utah gun permit business booming in other states as Chicago law against owning a handgun never kept anyone from owning them.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Mail Orders?
Utah gun permit business booming, blasting away, popping - in other states.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Snippets Before Breakfast
Hurricane Alex churns toward Mexico, Texas Toast....Coast!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
More Questions
High court nominee faces another day of questions. Generic answers.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Better Late Than Never
DAY 70: OBAMA ACCEPTS INTERNATIONAL ASSISTANCE FOR SPILL. Needed from day one!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Supreme Court Rules A Right Applies To All Citizens
SCOTUS ruled the Second Amendment applies to all citizens just like the every other Amendment in the US Constitution. People who have never read the constitution are surprised.
written by SirBeavis, 30 June 2010
Brownie Points
For all those people who have earned Brownie Points at work this year, Lytham St Annes 4th Brownie Troop will let you have anything off the Bric a Brac table at the Bring and Buy sale in July.
written by IainB, 30 June 2010
Child Abuse
Britney Spears is facing allegations that she abused her two young children. Apparently she's been singing to them.
written by Trollbuster General, 30 June 2010
Wants versus Needs
Texas insurers stop issuing policies as Hurricane Alex approaches. An All State Farmer says: "We prefer selling insurance to people because they want it, not because they actually need it."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Carteret
Police say that the homicide rate in Carteret has gone down 44% in the last year. C'mon, everyone! We're not trying hard enough.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Wyckoff
Wyckoff has made it a 4th degree crime to call the township Whack off. Repeat offenders are shot.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Point Pleasant
Asbury Park is keeping abreast of vacationers' changing tastes: It is considering letting women go topless on a city beach. HAHAHA!Abreast.I write funny thingz for free.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Burlington Twp.
Burlington officials are bringing recycling to the Township. Next year: indoor plumbing
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: n. plainfield
Officials looking to further differentiate itself from Plainfield voted to erect a wall separating the two towns. A sign to be erected will read "North Plainfield, NOT where the criminals are.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Stalybridge Celtic go full time
Stalybridge Celtic have become the first full time club at level 6 in the football pyramid. "The rest of the league only exist two days a week," said chairman Rob Gorski.
written by IainB, 30 June 2010
One heck of an ass groove
Host of "Larry King: Alive?" announces he will no longer occupy the desk at the CNN program this fall after 25 years. CNN execs: "You can take the chair with you."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 30 June 2010
John Prescott evicted from art classes
John Prescott joined a still life art class. "It's all that free food," Prescott said. "Shame it's fruit." He's been asked not to come back, as the rest of the class had nothing to paint.
written by IainB, 30 June 2010
"Shining acropolis on a hill"
Dollar too unstable for a reliable international currency, says U.N. Dept of Economic Affairs. Debt-ridden U.S. will now likely convert to drachma, start economic union with Greece.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 30 June 2010
Wayne Rooney to be knighted!
Arise Sir Wayne, the Queen decided to give him a knighthood because she thought the English were playing in white and confused Klose with Rooney. Royal decisons cannot be reversed just like the FIFA
written by Jaggedone, 30 June 2010
New Political Party to be Declared!
Our unpaid reporter Inchcock Chambers, reveals a new party to be formed in Britain. Named the "Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Party. Contact details for both members to follow.
written by Inchcock, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Seaside Park.
Seaside Park Mayor Thomas Connors was arrested outside N.J. nightclub Saturday. He was the 17th person arrested for punching Snooki Polizzi in the face. Because she had it coming, the fat turd.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Secaucus
Secaucus mayor Dennis Elwell was arrested for accepting millions in bribes. In New Jersey, this is punishable with a $15.00 fine or two days in jail.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Hillside Township
New Jersey Door Works in Hillside pleaded guilty today to overbilling Union County by nearly $60000. "We thought they wanted the diamond encrusted door locks. Whoopsie!!"
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Garden State News: Cranford
A man lying on tracks near the Cranford train station was struck and killed by an oncoming NJT locomotive over the weekend. Officials are considering moving the homeless shelter from off the tracks.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Garden State News: Cranford
A man lying on tracks near the Cranford train station was struck and killed by an oncoming NJT locomotive over the weekend. Officials are considering moving the homeless shelter from off the tracks.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Morris Twp.
Morris Township NJ lays off 17 workers; asks remaining staff to switch to generic prescriptions, apply for food stamps.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Morris Twp.
Morris Township NJ lays off 17 workers; asks remaining staff to switch to generic prescriptions, apply for food stamps.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: South Plainfield
Thursday, the best of the state gathered for the 100 meter race. South Plainfield's Miles Shuler won. He's got PLENTY of practice running from criminals in South Plainfield.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: West Windsor
Fifteen crews earned under 23 national team berths on Friday at the 2010 Under 23 World Championships Trials on Mercer Lake in W. Windsor. We think it involves yachts, or steeplechase, or something.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Medford
Medford's K-12 budget includes $4 million in cuts. From now on, 4th grade will be called "Recess at home."
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Cranford
A man lying on tracks near the Cranford train station was struck and killed by an oncoming NJT locomotive over the weekend. Officials are considering moving the homeless shelter from off the tracks.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Cranford
A man lying on tracks near the Cranford train station was struck and killed by an oncoming NJT locomotive over the weekend. Officials are considering moving the homeless shelter from off the tracks.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Bridgeton
Bridgeton Skate park is a new practice ground for skateboarders and roller-bladers, replacing the Bridgeton Crack Den
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Scotch Plains
Scotch Plains police reported four arrests and six crimes last week. The reported crimes include jaywalking, criminal dog pooping, and driving with a broken taillight. Scotch Plains is boring.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Spotswood
Spottswood: To adequately mimic the living arrangements of its residents, the Spotswood Police Department will continue to use a sh-tty trailer as its base of operations.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Garden State News: East Brunswick
East Brunswick: Township officials have rejected the charter of the town's 245th kids' soccer team. The Foot Fairies will play in nearby South River.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Trenton
Trenton resident Frank Roark Jr. died when his Harley collided with a deer. The deer's family seek a full investigation.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Camden
Camden: A former Camden police officer admitted to planting evidence today, which means that now EVERY Camden cop is corrupt.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Old Bridge
The Old Bridge man killed by 17-year-olds taught computer science at College of Staten Island, meaning he was surrounded by disgusting trash at home and at work.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Clifton
Clifton: Clifton's ClassLink is pleased to announce a major new release of an easy to use, affordable, and comprehensive. . . oh, who cares.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Clifton
Clifton: Clifton's ClassLink is pleased to announce a major new release of an easy to use, affordable, and comprehensive. . . oh, who cares.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Brick
Brick: The Township has decided to change its name. From now on it'll be Where Seaside Heights Residents Are Pulled Over For DUI-Ville.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Irvington
Irvington: An Irvington resident was hired as a 60k a year middle manager for a local company, breaking the city's 100% unemployment rate.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Bayonne
Bayonne: Contrary to popular belief, city officials say, Bayonne is not Spanish for "This town smells like a warm dumpster."
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Gloucester
Gloucester: A family of four moved into a home in Gloucester, moving its population into the double digits, officials say.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Cherry Hill
Cherry Hill: Melrose Place's Amy Locane charged with vehicular homicide in a DUI accident in Cherry Hill. She claimed she was driving to Cherry Hill Mall, but no one goes there on purpose.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Union City
Union City: The city has changed its spelling to "Joonyun Ceety", to better reflect how the name is pronounced by residents.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: East Orange
East Orange: The city won the "Sh-ttiest City Named After A Fruit" contest held in NYC, their 24th win in a row.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Beautiful Garden State News: Middletown
Middletown: Middletown has announced what township residents have long knows: The Target on Palmer Avenue IS the town's cultural centerpiece.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Soprano's Pizza
New Jersey's Soprano's Pizza: They'll make you a calzone you can't refuse. Or digest.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 June 2010
Kagan Halfway There!
Earlier today at her confirmation hearings, Judge Elena Kagan said that judges gather information from everywhere, even tattoos and tee shirts. So expect some nifty one-liners should she be approved.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Fair Is Fair
Most airlines are now charging heavy people to pay for 2 seats. They had one problem today on Virgin as a fat man sitting in two seats demanded two dinners!
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Backs Up First Study
A second study has been done on U.S. currency, and they once again found that 80-90% of all bills have traces of cocaine on them. Fed Chairman Bernanke only comment was: "Hey stay cool, dude."
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Lost In The Mail
Dear Home Shopping Network, When it got here, the sushi I bought smelled the whole street up. They won't let me send it back. Please return my money. -Ima Stinker
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Shoebomber Doesn't Like The Name
The Shoebomber says that he hates that name. "Of course, the "Fruit of the Loony" for the guy who had bomb in his shorts is even worse.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Triple Trouble
A lady in Queens has had triplets, all boys. She has named them, Madoff, Tiger and Gosselin. She figures it will toughen them up. Like the song about the boy named Sue.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
Oil Leak Dangerous
Environmentalists say that if the BP oil leak continues, some species like rare turtles, fish, plant and Democrats might become endangered.
written by Bureau, 30 June 2010
