Gold discovered in mouth
Do you have gold filings? At a thousand $$ per ounce you may be brushing a Bahamas holiday.
written by C. Cranium, 25 July 2010
"Some More Is Over Here!"
Police officer who has to draw outline for body that jumped from high-rise runs out of chalk.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Bush Library Is Now Open To Public
The George W. Bush Texas Library opening up with arrivals of bicycle, segway, jump suit, Saddam's head and complete collection of The Hardy Boys. Special space reserved for Bin Laden's balls in a jar.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Teamwork Gets It Done
Between Bush and Obama they can almost say "Mission Accomplished" as many of us eating at the missions.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Obama Almost Fulfills Promise
Barack Obama offered to treat everyone alike before being elected and 18 months later he has 90% of us broke.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Air Safer Implants?
Some doctors prefer women using air pockets to enlarge breasts as being safer, but warn about sudden loud fart sound during lovemaking.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Chavez Threatens Cutback
Venezuela's Chavez threatens to cut U.S. oil supply. U.S. threatens to cut Chavez air supply.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Polar Bears Rescued
Members of the Alaskan Polar Bear Club rescued from floating ice floe.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Cell Phone Drama
Crowd attending funeral in Dallas, Texas startled when corpse's cell phone rings "Jumpin' Jack Flash!" as he still had it in his suit coat.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Christmas In July
By having "Christmas In July" sales stores hope to escape the wild rampage on Black Friday over last year's big hit, Air Guitars.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Toughest One Yet
Good Morning America" will feature David Blaine next week who will try to survive for seven days in a room alone with Richard Simmons.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
At Least It's Not Wo Ki
New Chinese ambassador Chu Baca can't understand what everyone is laughing about.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
1500 Calories?
Report: Childhood chubbiness linked to new high caffeinated "Captain Chubby".
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Bill Clinton Finds Money for Daughter's Wedding
Bill Clinton was worried about paying for his daughter until he realized he could legally get foreign contributers to pay for the expensive wedding.
written by UWGB-Beek, 25 July 2010
Geithner Says Tax the Rich
US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says to tax the rich, but he isn't worried about higher taxes because he doesn't pay taxes.
written by UWGB-Beek, 25 July 2010
A Curse Upon Obama From Jeremiah Wright?
Barack, Michelle, and the kids say they enjoyed their vacation in Maine........with the Salahis.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Where was Barack Hussein Obama really born?
Mancuria claims that they have his birth certificate, and that he was their "candidate."
written by unknown
Probably Under It
Chinese police beat official's wife by mistake, then disappear from the face of the earth.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Raul Getting Ready
Raul Castro prepares Cuban Revolution Day speech by downing uppers for six-hour marathon.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Need A Translator?
"US holds drills off Korea as Pyongyang talks "ying yang ching chang" gibberish", says Secretary of State.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
He Has A Memorized List
Guy at Johnson's Bar always tells new customers how many writers, artists, actors were also drunks.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
"I Can't Handle This"
Guard calls for help last night as Lindsay Lohan talked to commode about her dad for two hours.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
MJ Back As Fairy
Michael Jackson comes back as a fairy. Come to think of it, he left as a fairy also.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
May Need Straight Jacket
New Drug Company says that Attention Deficit Disorder could be cured by using their drug if they..hey, listen. Shoot. Lost them. ADD! Cure! Just have to..oh come on!
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
More Bins To Put Out
British psychiatrists urge government to provide loony bins on the street also. Will be picked up once a month so feed them till they get there.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Tastes Good Too
Sales of penis pills down 50% over the past six months after the release of new drink, Dr. Pecker. "Good for ten, two and four.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
One & Two & Fire!
Guy all fired up over doing jumping jacks after accidentally striking matches in his pocket.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Wolves, Reindeer & Grannies, Oh My!
Wolves and reindeer released in all fifty states. Washington reports say old widowed grandma's eating up our budgets.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
No Man On The Moon
Many people still think the moon landing was a fake. "It was all filmed and played out by aliens."
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Help From Hemp
Kentucky is trying to get permission to grow hemp to use to make things..like funny smelling cigarettes.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
More Bad News
BP Oil executive: "I have more bad news. The oil blob is mutating."
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Horoscopes - Pisces - August
Stone: Concrete
Colour: Vermilion
Avoid men in yellow hats & you won't fall down that hole. Mid-August is a good time to go shopping for rabbits, whilst the start is a good time to ask for a raise
written by IainB, 25 July 2010
Volcano Blows Top
Volcano erupts on Mount Rushmore as Thomas Jefferson blows his top over what Bush/Obama has done to the country.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
20,000 New Jobs
Obama claims jump in jobs as the government hires 20,000 more people to attend to the unemployed.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
What About Those We Don't Know?
Missile test works! If we program intercepting missile and we know which way their missile is coming, we hit it every time, claims Defense Chief.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Can't Afford To Insult Saudis
Saudi Arabia to host next years Terrorist Summit, still claim they have none training there.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Hollywood Work Slowdown
Another Hollywood slow down or strike possible. Actors threaten to move in slower motion during films.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Butt Beeper
Undercover reporter highly embarrassed as street woman ahead of him and another guy in bread line accuses them of bumping into ample behind. "You need a beeper to back up", states homeless man.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Fartless Beans Recalled
Ponti white beans recalled after discovery that eaters can't fart. Sever already exploded, one on the way to hospital totals ambulance.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Astrological Guidance
From Tripbase, astrological guidance for travelers. "Turn here for a handsome stranger."
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Potter Showing Comeback, Penis
Harry Potter, completely nude on stage, preview draws big crowd at Comic-Con
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Wish He Wouldn't Attend These
Favreau, Ford, Craig, Captain Fart surprise fans at Comic-Con
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Another Stonehenge
Sister monument to Stonehenge may have been found. Ovaryhenge should bring in even more tourists
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Ancient Woman Migration
Ancient woman suggests diverse migration. Huge boobs led men to follow her.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
GOP Versus Obama
Obama, GOP spar over how to revive ailing economy. Obama already has cauliflower ear.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Hayworth Seeking To Slay Giant
In Ariz. Senate race, Hayworth hopes to slay giant, also win Senate race.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Trying For Better Position
Reid rebounds but still faces uncertain future as whistle blows and he was caught pushing off.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Scuffle At Comic-Con
1 arrested in scuffle at Comic-Con in San Diego, apparently drunken Captain America.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Eastern Heat Wave
Eastern US cooks in summer heat, temps reach 100s. DJ frying eggs on sidewalk cooks brains to go with them.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Putin Now Singing
Putin says he met with Russian spies who were expelled from the U.S., joining them in a patriotic song and promising them good jobs and a bright future back in their homeland. "Where's the redhead?"
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
New Dogs?
Whitfield gets look at library's new dogs. That should be "digs".
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Average Age To Decreae?
President Obama's health care- "Cradle To Grave" a short trip.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Hospitals To Lose Staff
Group predicts major hospital revenue losses after reform of Obama's health plan. "I'm sure we'll be fine with half our doctors gone", states surgeon. "But I wouldn't come here if I were in a hurry.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
BP boss Hayward 'negotiates exit'
BP boss Hayward exits ASAP but upon fleeing down nearby drainpipe finds himself in a very very hot place with poor sanitation and few amenities except embossed welcome card on pillow, signed 'S'.
written by Tragic Rabbit, 25 July 2010
Research Bing Questioned
Duke scientist's cancer research is questioned after lab assistant rats on him!
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Quaker Drops Crotch
Quaker Company say they will drop their unpopular cereal, Captain Crotch.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Reid Future Uncertain
Reid rebounds but still faces uncertain future. However, why should he be any different from the rest of us?
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Flooding In Midwest.
Floods close Chicago interstate, damage Iowa dam. Oprah, fat & full of air, floats to safety.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Deadly floods continue across mainland China; guy with really big boat issues tickets
Deadly floods continue across mainland China. Guy in Pingliang City previously considered village idiot now issuing tickets in twos to board really really big boat built with rubbish in his back yard.
written by Tragic Rabbit, 25 July 2010
Joint Military Exerxies Continue
US aircraft carrier leads drills with South Korea. No one spotted any nuclear weapons from NKorea yet.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Lars Recalls "Shittles"
Lars Candy Company has recalled all the "Shittles" produced during last three months. Some complain of stomach distress.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Need Some Pot Doc!
Medical marijuana to be OK in all 50 states as many beginning to feel a twitch.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
The Awakening
Patient at Indianapolis hospital awakens during surgery, says he heard, "Harmony: Down By the old oil stream".
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Oil Down Deeper
Ships head back to oil well, ready to resume work if they can find oil to skim.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Liverpool Lose Pre Season Friendly 1-0 In Germany
Hardly surprising. But we here at Skoob News didn't laugh. We didn't! Honest!
written by Skoob1999, 25 July 2010
Irishman In Fight
Says he wouldn't have done it if people had just left him alone.
written by Skoob1999, 25 July 2010
Ozzy Osbourne - The Rock and Roll Icon Truly Needs An Interpreter
Rock and Roll icon Ozzy Osbourne was interviewed by Rolling Stone Magazine and asked what his favorite all-time song is and the Prince of Darkness replied, "Ahhh, uggg, ummm, faaa, yeppp."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 July 2010
Kanye West Says He's Leaving The Country For Good...Good!
Kanye West has reportedly said that he wants to move to the South Pole where no one knows what a dumb, stupid, piece of penguin poop he is.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 July 2010
That Tom Cruise Is Really and Truly One Short Little Dude
Lovely Legs Magazine has stated that Stacy Keibler's legs are longer than Tom Cruise's entire body.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 July 2010
Where The Heck Is The Still-Unemployed Lou Dobbs?
Ex-CNN talk show host Lou Dobbs, who got to where he was sticking his foot in his mouth two or three times a week, says that his unemployment benefits are getting ready to run out.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 July 2010
Britney Spears Has Lent Mel "From Hell" Gibson Her Shoulder
Britney Spears says that her and Mel Gibson are just good friends and if he dares to even think about cussing or yelling at her she will kick him in his Australian onions in a Sydney second.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 July 2010
"Come On Baby..OWWL!!"
Stats: 75 percent of boomers who did the Twist in the early 1960's now need a hip replacement, including Chubby Checker.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
The KKK Has Denied Mel Gibson Membership
The Ku Klux Klan said that Mel Gibson applied for membership but they turned him down stating the man is unbalanced, crazy, and one damn friggin racist.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 July 2010
Chaz Bono, The Guy Formerly Known As The Girl Chastity Bono
Chaz Bono, the fatty formerly known as Chastity Bono, was asked what the best part of being a man is. He replied, "Oh that's an easy one. The fact that I get to scratch my crotch for no damn reason."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 July 2010
...And The Winners Are Joan and Melissa Rivers
Joan Rivers and daughter Melissa Rivers have just been named Mom & Daughter Magazine's "Most Unattractive Mother and Daughter in America."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 July 2010
Missing girl found
Missing girl found after almost 13 years, unable to believe 'Friends' was cancelled.
written by Tragic Rabbit, 25 July 2010
New Obama Book
President Barack Obama says he will have a new book coming out this December entitled "The Audacity Of Winning A Nobel Peace Prize While On Vacation".
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
The Never Before Know Intimate Secret Regarding Sharon Osbourne's Crotch
America's Got Talent judge Sharon Osbourne has admitted that 20 years ago during a particularly rough lovemaking session, her husband Ozzy accidentally rubbed off her G-spot.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 July 2010
Would you Believe
The heart attack rate among Democratic far left liberals spiked this week. The ACLU announced they are not supporting the DISCLOSE Act, as the bill poses a limitation on free speech & association.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
The Home Wrecker Known As LeAnn Rimes
LeAnn Rimes says that she does not appreciate being labeled as a 'home wrecker.' Okay Rimes, then how about if everyone just calls you a 'marriage destroyer' instead?
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 July 2010
What a Bloody Mess
The Obama administration is looking more and more like Count Dracula blaming anyone, anything or creating any excuse as the American people storm the castle with their torches and pitchforks!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
Poor Baby
SML Reid is upset there will be no "Cap and Tax" bill this year to bring in more tax revenue to spend on Democratic far left wing liberal CRAPPO! Senator Reid may have to get a real job next year.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
No Common Sense
A plane load of San Francisco CA professors on the way to a conference in NY said airport x-ray scanners are not safe & wouldn't use them. Conference location changed to Yemen, because of skyjackers!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
New Medical Procedure
Doctors develop a rectal enema using a CO2 inflatable balloon. The procedure alleviates a malady of environmentalists who suffer from constipation, are full of s**t or just plain full of themselves!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
Missing Merchandise
Famous lady's lingerie retailer will now strip search all their female customers before they leave the Shoppe. There has been a spate of undetected shoplifting going down lately!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
It's a Dud
N Korea fires a nuclear missile at S Korea and American military exercise forces. Weapon was a dud, landing in Pyongyang NK causing massive panic and 3.5 million cases of diarrhea!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
I'm not a Crook (Been said Before)
Representative Wrangle wants the US House to bring on the ethics investigation. The Congressman knows he already has a job with a lobbying firm on K Street in Washington DC.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
I Know Nothing
An out of work executive looking for a job in 2013 was interviewed by the BP oil company, but was turned down. The man a lawyer, former senator and chief executive knew nothing about economics!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
I Can't Believe I Screwed up the Whole Economy
Obama blames the American people for the current economy. He claims they weren't paying enough in taxes, getting sick too often, giving out too many sub-prime loans & not inspecting oil drilling rigs!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
Do you want Sprinkles on that?
Iranian woman's adultery trial is causing a large increase in demand for "Rocky Road" ice cream by Tehran's Mullahs.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
Daring Hold Up
Woman holds up fast food restaurant using a brassier as a mask. Police get a description from the cashier, "she was about 30 year's old, 125 lbs, 5'10" tall and a braless size 38DD!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
Bye Bye
President Obama is considering elimination of FANNIE MAE and FREDDIE MAC. Representative Frank and Senator Dodd liken this to getting rid of their favorite gigolo and lady of the evening!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
Bigger is Better
Scientists say women's breast sizes are increasing naturally, without implants. Male scientists also indicate more hands on research is required!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 July 2010
"I Win Again!"
Opponent says that what he hates most in losing an argument to Don King is that he always wets his finger and chalks up an invisible point & then sticks it in a light socket to shake his hair at you.
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
Biden To Change Name?
Motivation speaker urges Joe Biden to change his last name. "Biden sounds like you're doing nothing but sitting on your ass while the Gulf oil spill goes on for months!"
written by Bureau, 25 July 2010
