That Don't Argue & Call You 'Useless"
A 42-year-old nerd who still lives at home with his parents in Chicago has won the $2M state lottery. He says he plans to spend the money on finding younger and nicer parents.
Better Chuckle A Bit
A Think Tank released a study that says having a sense of humor can help people live longer, "and if you don't like our findings then you'll be dead soon anyway."
Four out of five doctors now recommend Viagra with Benadryl for Spring Fever!
There's Another One
The Hubble Telescope has spotted yet another earth-like planet many light years away. Scientist responds "Heavy".
Although Iran is still planning an all-female island, so far they cannot keep the island clear of male hideaways.
Can't Back Track!
Lindsay Lohan came to the courthouse today but was told it was closed. "But can't this count against me not showing up when I was supposed to?"
Bargains To Be Found
Auto dealer's Tenth Annual 'Going Out Of Business Sale' is going on all across the nation.
Biden's New Profession
President Obama names Joe Biden Czar of the Coast Clean-Up. "Head on down there, Joe".
Could Have Changed His Name
Indiana Jones discovered wandering around Ohio. Police bring him back home.
Moat not dead!
Police said that the person they believed to be Raoul Moat, is in fact, Lord Lucan. A police spokesperson said, "Its a bit of a blow, but at last, we have solved the Lucan case".
written by armfeetandtoe, 10 July 2010
Doesn't Take Much!
Tiny pebble floating in space blows big hole in screen door of the Space Station.
"I'm Pulling Out!"
Mel Gibson announces the total withdrawal from girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva!
Debt Clock Breaks
National Debt Clock is now six hours past midnight with a time bomb attached!
Osama..Obama's Name Suspicious!
OBAMA: Israelis suspicious because 'my middle name is Hitler'...I mean, Hussein'
Feds require dog bathrooms at airports, cat litter boxes on planes.
Can't Get Those Things Out Of Your Head
Vuvuzela nabs 2 for trying to 'TWITTER' run on banks... that should be 'Venezuela'!
Bald Faced Accusations
Margaritaville: Jimmy Buffett Blames Bush for Spill, Going Bald!
Murder At The Door!
Gamekeeper charged over mystery murder of colonel who was shot on his doorstep! Ah, where are the Agatha Christies of today?
Chinese airport closed after fiery UFO is spotted flying over city. Had all the Chinese children to go outside and yell, "GO HOME!"
No More Costly Census
'Too expensive' national census to be axed after 200 years! "To save money, everyone must stand outside and wave at google earth satellite in January 1st, 2020.
It's over: Fugitive gunman Raoul Moat shoots himself dead six times after stand-off with police. That should be 'shoots himself to death after six-hour stand-off with police'.
German Fans After Oracle Octopus
German fans want revenge grilling of oracle octopus. Paul may be placed in witness protection program, name changed to Ringo.
Especially In Hurricane Season!
New Orleans back in Travel + Leisure top 10 cities...to avoid!
Biden Says Swap Went Well
Biden tells Leno US did fine in Russian spy swap. "Although we were hoping for Lebron James.
Mel Continues To Rail
Website says Gibson rant audio not the last word as he's still going at it!
That's A 10 Percent Profit!
China says exports up 35 percent in June. Recalls only 25 percent!
Why Leave "Almost Heaven"?
West Va. Gov Manchin: Senate run 'highly likely' 'We have some good-sized mountain here in West Virginia.'
Really Big Blast!
Large blast in Afghanistan's Kandahar city...well, what was once Kandahar City.
Here Come The Gestures
Obama says country must help vets with PTSD Must be getting close to re-election time.
We Got Screwed Again
US Reps: We Got Screwed in the Spy Swap! But that was part of the deal.
FAA Demands Maintenance
FAA tells airlines to fix cockpit window heaters, warped screen doors.
Presbyterians To Accept Curse
Presbyterians: End Israel aid over settlements. "Bring the Old Testament curse upon us and our children!"
Sounds Pretty Harsh
Boston judge cuts penalty in song-sharing case. "Ten million dollar fine a little excessive for guy who wanted some friends to hear his favorite songs.
Dems Changing Calendars
Dems recommend 2012 calendar that starts in Feb. or, maybe skip to 2013 because of that Mayan thing.
Trying To Pull National Funds?
Coast Guard: Most Texas tar balls not from spill. "We've closed a tar ball factory we found in Houston."
Oakland Cop Apologizes
Oakland cop apologizes for killing transit rider, causing entire city to be burned to the ground.
Oakland cop apologizes for killing those transit riders. I mean, that transit rider.
Very Twisted Individual
Come on, baby! Chubby Checker marks 50 years of the Twist. After 50 years, he weighs 75 pounds.
Who Would Have Guessed?
Study shows Britain's 'happiest' earn 50,000 pounds a year. Unhappiest earn 5 pounds.
FDA review spotlights heart risk of diabetes pill! Next week, the eyesight loss of pecker pills!
Or Unlucky Few?
Weekend total solar eclipse visible to lucky few, who could lose their eyesight eventually.
Spy swap brings swift end to diplomatic problem. "May become a yearly ceremony", say both Russia and US.
Skimming May Help Little
Value of oil skimming Gulf flotilla is uncertain! "Since most of the oil in far under the water, we could only be skimming the surface", say experts.
Guess We'll See
Feds say new cap could contain Gulf leak by Monday..or two years from now!
TV Job for Psychic Octopus
ITV to announce Cheryl Cole will play Paul The Psychic Octopus in forthcoming TV biop.
written by Ron Smith, 10 July 2010
Police Take Moat
Raoul Moat has killed himself in a stand-off with police. A spokesman said that Moat shot himself in the head 14 times, kicked himself a bit & punched his own lights out for wasting tax payers money.
written by Ron Smith, 10 July 2010
Study says people tend to lose weight when a commuter train is added to their region, due to exercise walking to and from stops. Pfizzer working on new gelcap to deliver same effect.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 July 2010
Few Bad Holes!
Phil Mickelson says that a few bad holes and you're out of the game early. Tiger Woods says, "Tell me about it.
BP Ceo found wandering around his yacht with a vuvuzela stuffed up his ass!
Belgium To Dissolve Bodies
Belgium considers proposals to dissolve bodies, flush them into sewage systems. "Does this water taste like old lady Sullivan to you?"
I Was Pissed At The Time!
Corps of engineers guy admits to causing dikes to leak around New Orleans after being ignored by a hooker.
"Where's The Beef?"
ALEX JONES: As United States Collapses, Media Worships LeBron James, Lindsay Lohan!
Gore On The Loose
Half-crazed horny Al Gore says that he has now discovered the cause of global warming It's Daylight Saving Time!
Biden Denies Biden!
V.P. Joe Biden said today that he never said all those silly things he said while on his overseas tour.
They Are On Their Way!
B P Oil: we're doing our ding-dong best to clean up the Gulf Coast. That's B P Oil! Coming soon to a beach near you.
UFO In China
A UFO disrupted air traffic over Zhejiang's provincial capital Hangzhou late on Wednesday, the municipal government said Thursday. "We have positively unidentified it", says paper.
Carville Poll: 55% of likely voters think Obama is a socialist, which he is!
Just Plain Folks
BP Oil: With all the positive feedback, you're starting to make us gush! Pshaw!
Mobs Turn Violent
Mobs turn violent as trial outcome didn't go their way. Schwarzenegger urges calm, from standing behind wife.
Oil Spill Worse
Oil spill even worse and more extensive than first thought as tar balls come ashore in Malibu.
Google Earth takes a satellite photo of San Francisco CA. The photo has to be retaken, as only 900,000 assholes are seen in the picture!
Obama Lauds Maryland Governor for Being Fiscally Responsible??
MD's 2011 budget has a $400 million shortfall using PONZI math to achieve balance! Operating budgets 2012-2014 project a $1.5 billion shortfall each year! A structural deficit of $3 billion exists!
Obama Stumps for Senate Majority Leader Reid
While 192,000 unemployed Nevadans are still looking for jobs, President Obama plays "Craps" with SML Reid's reelection campaign. The betting line is that SML Reid will come up "Snake Eyes!"
San Francisco CA to Ban Animal Companions I
The SF pet police ask all city residents to turn in their dogs and cats. It seems the lack of any need for toilets among Democratic far left liberals leaves the streets fouled with animal waste!
San Francisco CA to Ban Animal Companions II
The SF pet police ask all city residents to bring Fido and Fluffy to Giant Stadium where they will be humanely euthanized. The meat will be sent to shelters that feed the homeless, excluding vegans!
The law abiding citizens of Oakland CA were so outraged over a trial verdict, they protested by breaking windows, looting shops and assaulting police officers!
Come Out Wherever You Are
New study by Democratic far left wing liberal think tank claims illegal immigrants pay too much in taxes. The group plans to ask President Obama to give illegal immigrants a tax cut!
President Obama Just Doesn't Get It
Americans don't want Washington DC unelected elitist Democratic far left liberal bureaucratic assholes sniffing around every facet of their lives!
Spy versus Spy
Remember Mad Magazine's "Spy versus Spy (BY PROHIAS)" about the cold war? The latest USA and Russian Federation spy swap seem reminiscent.
EPA Justifies its Existence
EPA says air pollution levels in some areas in the Gulf of Mexico are higher than normal. President Obama puts moratorium on stopping the leak and cleaning up the spill until levels come down!