We Need The Money
It was so hot in Los Angeles yesterday that Governor Schwarzenegger began taxing snow cones.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Lindsay In Court
Lindsay Lohan after given a 90 day sentence in jail: "Why don't you make it three whole months so I'll crack up completely?"
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Paul Predictions
Paul the Octopus predicts that over 50% of 2011 movies will be about vampires.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Smuggling Ring Broken
Placebo smuggling ring with headquarters in Nigeria closed down in joint US/Nigerian Bank effort.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Paul the Psychic Octopus found Dead
After failing to make a correct prediction of Holland to win the 2010 FIFA World Cup, Paul the Psychic Octopus has been found strung up by his tentacles.
written by IN SEINE, 11 July 2010
Britain can be great again
The World Cup ceremonies were pants, we can beat that. Let's wheel out Thatcher for a spin about London in 2012 and smile anyone who has recently had dental work. We can be Great Britain once more!
written by A MCRORY, 11 July 2010
Bush Confession
George W. Bush told a biographer today that he was always afraid of snakes. "Those big teeth always reminded me of those staple removers! Ooooohhh."
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Catholics Upset
Catholics Upset Over Rosary Beads as Fashion! "Should call them, Buddhist Beads!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
PLO Insight
Palestinian President: Direct Talks with Israel, which doesn't exist, 'Futile'.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Don't Give Away Too Much
Attorney general: Russian spies posed threat to US. We also think that Russia's nuclear warheads do the same. But that's just us.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Reality #1
8 Realities of the New Retirement: Reality #1. You can retire immediately at any age as long as you can keep Obama in as President.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Picking On One State
Attorney General Holder: US to watch Arizona for racial profiling.
Arizona Gov: We consider that a racist remark.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Fire Away!
Att. Gen. Holder says there's a real question about terrorist suspect such as self-professed 911 mastermind Khalid Mohammed can face the death penalty if he pleads guilty, but not to most people.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Here She Is Again!
NY woman questioned again and again over ID mix-up. "And every single time I come back in, they have me down as still another person. Do they think my Mom was the original Octomom?"
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
We're Ready To Dispense!
Jobless benefits, penis extension? Obama promises if you will vote Democrat in the fall.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Smartass Kid
Oil flows freely as cap work begins. Kid points out to BP: "Why not use one of those caps over there until you get this one fixed?"
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
No One Can Eat After Awhile
"Loose Gut" Billy Braham expelled from any more ears of corn eating contests at county fairs.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Recall Extended
That recall of plastic baseball bats from China last week has been extended to include horny priests.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
World Cup Webb
World Cup final referee & Yorkshire cop Howard Webb says that although he hasn't fired his Taser so far in the tournament, he would be prepared to use it on the Spanish. "I don't like them", he said.
written by Ron Smith, 11 July 2010
More Tax Forms!
New rules mean millions more tax forms for businesses. CPA's to vote in masses for Obama in 2012.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
We've Heard Enough
Vigilante group say that next presidential candidate that says he will "reduce the nations dependence upon foreign oil" will be offed by sundown!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Drilling Ban Continues
First rig sails away over drilling ban. Saudis, others raise to raise price of gasoline to $10 a gallon.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
"Do You Take This Weiner?"
Bill Clinton to Officiate at Weiner Wedding, after many years of practice.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Biden/Limbaugh Exchange
Biden jokes about spy swap: 'Hoped they'd take Rush Limbaugh'. Limbaugh says they should have taken Obama.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
It's Almost Here!
World Cup frenzy reaches fever pitch as final looms, vuvuzelas ready to begin burrowing back into the earth for 17 years.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Free Ice Cream!
Health chiefs are to hand out free ice creams to workers in a bid to reduce their stress levels. "Higher pay would do better", they insist!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Everything Starts Small
The French have stolen our beach: Ferry firm erects fence to keep locals off sands they've used for generations as WWIII may be in beginning stages.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Pope Too Busy!
Prince Charles snubbed as 'too busy' Pope refuses to meet him. "I don't have time to hear all that horse talk."
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Laser Outlaw Arrested
Police face questions over use of Taser seconds before Moat killed himself. Officer arrested for cruel methods.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
LeBron's Mural Coming Down
LeBron's mural coming down in Cleveland. Fines imposed on anyone ever again mentioning his name!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
This Doesn't Make Up For It
Germany beats Uruguay for 3rd place, 3-2. Still planning to do away with Paul The Octopus!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Could Be Within This Century
Outrigger announces plans for Vietnam resort, just as soon as the last 10,000 land mines defused.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Though Nothing Found
Naomi Campbell will testify at war crimes trial after police dig up both the front and back yard.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Gifted Group
French team performs total face transplant with eyelids, appendectomy with their toes!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Safe To Eat, But Not Smell
NOAA: Gulf seafood tested so far is safe to eat, as nose pins given along with napkins at tables.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Asteroid Studied Further
European Space Agency looking closely at asteroid. Let's get down to facts. We're all dead meat, right?
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Big Chanes Expected
New rules, big changes coming for financial world, since everybody is broke!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Help For Vets, Others
Obama: More post-traumatic stress help planned for vets, tax payers!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Lose/Lose Siruation
Struggling states seeking more aid from Washington while Washington was all set to raise state's share of US taxes.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Air France Plane Forced To Land
Brazil: Air France jet lands after bomb treat! Sorry, that should be bomb threat!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
New Fidel Pics!
New photos show smiling Fidel Castro out in public, looking lost and nude!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Flyover Dead Ocean
Scientists survey marine life in Gulf flyover, or rather, where there once was marine life.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Bring In The Clams
Scientists roll out mats to kill Lake Tahoe clowns! I'm sorry, that should be 'clams'.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Mobster Takes A Big Step!
Son of NYC mobster Mickey Spillane falls to death. "He tripped over Luigi's big foot", states witness.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
It's A Standoff
Chinese credit firm says US worse risk than China. US credit firm says China worse than the US. Neither have anything to brag about.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Another Recall!
Now Toyota has recalled over 100,000 Toyota Kamikazes as drivers keep driving them over cliffs.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Hot-footed Bandit Arrested
Official: Bahamas police catch 'Barefoot Bandit' after heat wave brings asphalt to 135 degrees.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Don't Look So Close!
Toyota lashed out at instructor during big recall. Fired over finding their latest defect!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Placeboes Dangerous?
FDA review spotlights heart risk of diabetes and sugar pills.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Fishing For Family's Food
Amazon river dolphins being slaughtered for bait but what cannibals in the area are using is even worse.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Anothe Identity Theft
NY woman questioned again and again over ID mix-up. "By now, I don't even know who I am anymore!"
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Watch That Kennedy
Kennedy's clout could grow on high court as he is now into his 6th month of weight-lifting!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Oil Unleashed
Oil unleashed temporarily in attempt to contain it. BP: "This sometimes happens." (but 35 times?).
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Japanese Losing Seats
Exit polls: Japan's ruling party loses seats. This hasn't happened since, well, three months ago! You heard it here first!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Southern Californians bare their butts at passing trains!
The annual event of Mooning, butt flashing at passing trains continues to shock Southern Californians because it's not done in a "Gay Way" and womens butts are not hairy!
written by unknown
Cheryl's Malaria choosy about host
Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Tweedy lobbyists are adamant that her Malaria strain could not be caught by 'commoners' and therefore should be reclassified as 'Cherylaria'.
WHO is fiercely resisting the move.
written by A MCRORY, 11 July 2010
Biological Clock
So out of time that during spring fever you hybernate.
written by Leddy, 11 July 2010
GOP Senator Claims Women Changing Politics is Cruel Hoax
"Believe me, they are no better than we men."
written by Charpa93, 11 July 2010
New Bird Sanctuary Designated
The Department of the Interior has designated San Francisco CA as a far left liberal loon sanctuary, to be dedicated after January 4, 2011.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 11 July 2010
Wealth Redistribution Redefined
The 53% of American's who pay US income taxes, all walked off their jobs today. These workers want the other 47% who don't pay income taxes to carry the load for awhile!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 11 July 2010
New EPA Environmental Study Released
A miasma causes the San Francisco City Council to pass inane ordinances about safety warnings for cell phones and banning pets and soft drinks! The miasma is from legal marijuana cigarette smoke.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 11 July 2010
Russian Spies Return Home
President Obama admitted today that despite efforts of the food police & the CIA, the spies got the secret KFC recipe (16 herbs & spices). Expect to see Kremlin Fried Chicken (KFC) in Moscow soon!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 11 July 2010
San Francisco CA to Ban Animal Companions III
SF pet police requesting city residents to bring Fido & Fluffy to Giant Stadium where they will be humanely euthanized meets with a huge outcry. Stray dogs will now be sent to Baghdad Iraq to be shot!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 11 July 2010
Another BP Spill
President Obama lost it, when at his daily CIA briefing, he was told BP CEO Tony Hayward removed the cap on a bargain brand tube of tooth paste and the gel squirted all over the bathroom.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 11 July 2010
Repressed Spending Syndrome
President Obama was very frugal going to law school & while serving in the Illinois legislature & the US Senate. How come the president runs up a $3 trillion USA IOU after moving into the White House?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 11 July 2010
NBA Changes?
NBA thinking about having a four-pointer distance, doing away with dribbling altogether.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
Two The Night Before
Three mimes in Paris have their invisible cubes broken into during the night. "Where were the police?"
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
'They're Drinking It Themselves'
Bum in Bronx claims they're watering down the soup at the mission, hiding the vanilla extract.
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
"Well, We Tried!"
No students at bus stop after school bus two minutes late!
written by Bureau, 11 July 2010
