That Don't Argue & Call You 'Useless"
A 42-year-old nerd who still lives at home with his parents in Chicago has won the $2M state lottery. He says he plans to spend the money on finding younger and nicer parents.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Better Chuckle A Bit
A Think Tank released a study that says having a sense of humor can help people live longer, "and if you don't like our findings then you'll be dead soon anyway."
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Good Advice!
Four out of five doctors now recommend Viagra with Benadryl for Spring Fever!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
There's Another One
The Hubble Telescope has spotted yet another earth-like planet many light years away. Scientist responds "Heavy".
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Iran Island
Although Iran is still planning an all-female island, so far they cannot keep the island clear of male hideaways.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Can't Back Track!
Lindsay Lohan came to the courthouse today but was told it was closed. "But can't this count against me not showing up when I was supposed to?"
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Bargains To Be Found
Auto dealer's Tenth Annual 'Going Out Of Business Sale' is going on all across the nation.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Biden's New Profession
President Obama names Joe Biden Czar of the Coast Clean-Up. "Head on down there, Joe".
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Could Have Changed His Name
Indiana Jones discovered wandering around Ohio. Police bring him back home.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Moat not dead!
Police said that the person they believed to be Raoul Moat, is in fact, Lord Lucan. A police spokesperson said, "Its a bit of a blow, but at last, we have solved the Lucan case".
written by armfeetandtoe, 10 July 2010
Doesn't Take Much!
Tiny pebble floating in space blows big hole in screen door of the Space Station.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
"I'm Pulling Out!"
Mel Gibson announces the total withdrawal from girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Debt Clock Breaks
National Debt Clock is now six hours past midnight with a time bomb attached!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Osama..Obama's Name Suspicious!
OBAMA: Israelis suspicious because 'my middle name is Hitler'...I mean, Hussein'
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
PETA Proud!
Feds require dog bathrooms at airports, cat litter boxes on planes.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Can't Get Those Things Out Of Your Head
Vuvuzela nabs 2 for trying to 'TWITTER' run on banks... that should be 'Venezuela'!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Bald Faced Accusations
Margaritaville: Jimmy Buffett Blames Bush for Spill, Going Bald!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Murder At The Door!
Gamekeeper charged over mystery murder of colonel who was shot on his doorstep! Ah, where are the Agatha Christies of today?
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
UFO Unwanted
Chinese airport closed after fiery UFO is spotted flying over city. Had all the Chinese children to go outside and yell, "GO HOME!"
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
No More Costly Census
'Too expensive' national census to be axed after 200 years! "To save money, everyone must stand outside and wave at google earth satellite in January 1st, 2020.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
It's Over
It's over: Fugitive gunman Raoul Moat shoots himself dead six times after stand-off with police. That should be 'shoots himself to death after six-hour stand-off with police'.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
German Fans After Oracle Octopus
German fans want revenge grilling of oracle octopus. Paul may be placed in witness protection program, name changed to Ringo.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Especially In Hurricane Season!
New Orleans back in Travel + Leisure top 10 cities...to avoid!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Biden Says Swap Went Well
Biden tells Leno US did fine in Russian spy swap. "Although we were hoping for Lebron James.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Mel Continues To Rail
Website says Gibson rant audio not the last word as he's still going at it!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
That's A 10 Percent Profit!
China says exports up 35 percent in June. Recalls only 25 percent!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Why Leave "Almost Heaven"?
West Va. Gov Manchin: Senate run 'highly likely' 'We have some good-sized mountain here in West Virginia.'
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Really Big Blast!
Large blast in Afghanistan's Kandahar city...well, what was once Kandahar City.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Here Come The Gestures
Obama says country must help vets with PTSD Must be getting close to re-election time.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
We Got Screwed Again
US Reps: We Got Screwed in the Spy Swap! But that was part of the deal.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
FAA Demands Maintenance
FAA tells airlines to fix cockpit window heaters, warped screen doors.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Presbyterians To Accept Curse
Presbyterians: End Israel aid over settlements. "Bring the Old Testament curse upon us and our children!"
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Sounds Pretty Harsh
Boston judge cuts penalty in song-sharing case. "Ten million dollar fine a little excessive for guy who wanted some friends to hear his favorite songs.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Dems Changing Calendars
Dems recommend 2012 calendar that starts in Feb. or, maybe skip to 2013 because of that Mayan thing.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Trying To Pull National Funds?
Coast Guard: Most Texas tar balls not from spill. "We've closed a tar ball factory we found in Houston."
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Oakland Cop Apologizes
Oakland cop apologizes for killing transit rider, causing entire city to be burned to the ground.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Cop Apologizes
Oakland cop apologizes for killing those transit riders. I mean, that transit rider.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Very Twisted Individual
Come on, baby! Chubby Checker marks 50 years of the Twist. After 50 years, he weighs 75 pounds.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Who Would Have Guessed?
Study shows Britain's 'happiest' earn 50,000 pounds a year. Unhappiest earn 5 pounds.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Weekly Feature
FDA review spotlights heart risk of diabetes pill! Next week, the eyesight loss of pecker pills!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Or Unlucky Few?
Weekend total solar eclipse visible to lucky few, who could lose their eyesight eventually.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Pretty Nostalgic!
Spy swap brings swift end to diplomatic problem. "May become a yearly ceremony", say both Russia and US.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Skimming May Help Little
Value of oil skimming Gulf flotilla is uncertain! "Since most of the oil in far under the water, we could only be skimming the surface", say experts.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Guess We'll See
Feds say new cap could contain Gulf leak by Monday..or two years from now!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
TV Job for Psychic Octopus
ITV to announce Cheryl Cole will play Paul The Psychic Octopus in forthcoming TV biop.
written by Ron Smith, 10 July 2010
Police Take Moat
Raoul Moat has killed himself in a stand-off with police. A spokesman said that Moat shot himself in the head 14 times, kicked himself a bit & punched his own lights out for wasting tax payers money.
written by Ron Smith, 10 July 2010
Lytraillium
Study says people tend to lose weight when a commuter train is added to their region, due to exercise walking to and from stops. Pfizzer working on new gelcap to deliver same effect.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 July 2010
Few Bad Holes!
Phil Mickelson says that a few bad holes and you're out of the game early. Tiger Woods says, "Tell me about it.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Hoisted!
BP Ceo found wandering around his yacht with a vuvuzela stuffed up his ass!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Belgium To Dissolve Bodies
Belgium considers proposals to dissolve bodies, flush them into sewage systems. "Does this water taste like old lady Sullivan to you?"
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
I Was Pissed At The Time!
Corps of engineers guy admits to causing dikes to leak around New Orleans after being ignored by a hooker.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
"Where's The Beef?"
ALEX JONES: As United States Collapses, Media Worships LeBron James, Lindsay Lohan!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Gore On The Loose
Half-crazed horny Al Gore says that he has now discovered the cause of global warming It's Daylight Saving Time!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Biden Denies Biden!
V.P. Joe Biden said today that he never said all those silly things he said while on his overseas tour.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
They Are On Their Way!
B P Oil: we're doing our ding-dong best to clean up the Gulf Coast. That's B P Oil! Coming soon to a beach near you.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
UFO In China
A UFO disrupted air traffic over Zhejiang's provincial capital Hangzhou late on Wednesday, the municipal government said Thursday. "We have positively unidentified it", says paper.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Obama Socialism
Carville Poll: 55% of likely voters think Obama is a socialist, which he is!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Just Plain Folks
BP Oil: With all the positive feedback, you're starting to make us gush! Pshaw!
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Mobs Turn Violent
Mobs turn violent as trial outcome didn't go their way. Schwarzenegger urges calm, from standing behind wife.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Oil Spill Worse
Oil spill even worse and more extensive than first thought as tar balls come ashore in Malibu.
written by Bureau, 10 July 2010
Group Picture
Google Earth takes a satellite photo of San Francisco CA. The photo has to be retaken, as only 900,000 assholes are seen in the picture!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 July 2010
Obama Lauds Maryland Governor for Being Fiscally Responsible??
MD's 2011 budget has a $400 million shortfall using PONZI math to achieve balance! Operating budgets 2012-2014 project a $1.5 billion shortfall each year! A structural deficit of $3 billion exists!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 July 2010
Obama Stumps for Senate Majority Leader Reid
While 192,000 unemployed Nevadans are still looking for jobs, President Obama plays "Craps" with SML Reid's reelection campaign. The betting line is that SML Reid will come up "Snake Eyes!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 July 2010
San Francisco CA to Ban Animal Companions I
The SF pet police ask all city residents to turn in their dogs and cats. It seems the lack of any need for toilets among Democratic far left liberals leaves the streets fouled with animal waste!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 July 2010
San Francisco CA to Ban Animal Companions II
The SF pet police ask all city residents to bring Fido and Fluffy to Giant Stadium where they will be humanely euthanized. The meat will be sent to shelters that feed the homeless, excluding vegans!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 July 2010
Liberal Justice
The law abiding citizens of Oakland CA were so outraged over a trial verdict, they protested by breaking windows, looting shops and assaulting police officers!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 July 2010
Come Out Wherever You Are
New study by Democratic far left wing liberal think tank claims illegal immigrants pay too much in taxes. The group plans to ask President Obama to give illegal immigrants a tax cut!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 July 2010
President Obama Just Doesn't Get It
Americans don't want Washington DC unelected elitist Democratic far left liberal bureaucratic assholes sniffing around every facet of their lives!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 July 2010
Spy versus Spy
Remember Mad Magazine's "Spy versus Spy (BY PROHIAS)" about the cold war? The latest USA and Russian Federation spy swap seem reminiscent.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 July 2010
EPA Justifies its Existence
EPA says air pollution levels in some areas in the Gulf of Mexico are higher than normal. President Obama puts moratorium on stopping the leak and cleaning up the spill until levels come down!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 July 2010
