Claus In Court?
Mrs. Santa Claus has had it with hubby. "How would you like to Pole dance every night but one for 400 years?"
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
What Ya Got Inna Tank?
East Tennessee man, running his car on alcohol, pulled over by revenuers.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Man Only Can Do So Much
Workaholic dad complains that he not only lays on the sidewalk wearing dark glasses and selling pencils all day, twice a week he slips out in the dark & gathers coins out of fountains.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Off We Go!
Nagales, Arizona man sitting in lawn chair with beebee gun and being surrounded by helium-filled condoms shoots off into the wild blue yonder.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Regional Judge Issues Order
Mississippi regional judge has issued a "Keep Your Pie Hole Shat" order on big trial there.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Regis Announcement
Friends and family of Regis Philbin announced today that they had to have him put to sleep, yesterday at 7PM.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
What's Yer Hurry?
Drunken mother caught drinking, eating burger, talking on cell phone and breastfeeding while driving in Australia. Gets off with warning, free peek at breast.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
FBI/CIA Attempt To Share Records
FBI reassures the CIA that their computer systems cannot be hacked into should they begin to share their hotdogs, sauerkraut and underwear.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Kirstie Signs Contract
Kirstie Alley signs to do Mr. Kool Aid commercials if she can get into costume.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Close & Closer
Robots are narrowing the gap between themselves and humans, say several leading robots.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Wear A Wig
Senior at Butler High School in Arkansas blows chance of becoming Homecoming Queen after party leads to head-shaving.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Elvis Link To Lennon Murder
Following recent disclosures via the 30 year secrets rule from the UK and US governments it has emerged that Elvis sanctioned the murder of John Lennon following his meeting with Richard Nixon.
written by iscrivener, 09 January 2010
Worn Off!
Having sex twice a day can reduce heart disease in men, the length of his penis by half, study reveals.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
High Society
Every British bank note is contaminated by cocaine within weeks of entering circulation "Sometimes before", snorts Treasury employee.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
There Will Be Changes
We will hand power to restrain unruly pupils back to the teachers, say Tories as they wash their hands in public!
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Angry Motorists
Motorists' anger as council charges them £150 to retrieve vehicles abandoned in the snow. "Wonder how much they would have charged to remove our frozen bodies?", asks one.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Windchill Saturday
Windchill Saturday: Icy blast makes Britain feel even colder as snow decimates sport and councils are told to ration their grit, porridge.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Sniffer Dogs Find "Bomb"
Armed police storm plane with sniffer dogs at Heathrow and arrest three after 'bomb threat' as one dog sniffs out copy of movie, "Miss March".
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Guards May Get Pistols
NJ airport video shows security guard leaving post. "He was supposed to keep that post with him at all times", says boss.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Food Has More Calories
Restaurant food has more calories than advertised. Kirstie, Aretha file suits.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Turner Bid Protested
Turner bid for Yellowstone bison draws protest. Picketers will set up around huge barbecue.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
We Were Right
Astronomers finally discover earth-like planet just before it explodes.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Pass A Few Around
Analysis: Obama's buck-stopping goes only so far. "He can't keep all the bucks in Washington", say opponents.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Completely Ignores Downside
President Barack Obama, eager to sign a health care overhaul bill into law, on Saturday highlighted the benefits for the 123rd time.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Abusing A Corpse?
Tennessee man found guilty of lesser charge in shooting death. To serve time to field-dressing victim who was accidentally shot by another deer hunter.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Montana Out?
'Hannah Montana' may be ending after next season. To be replaced by "The Miley Cyrus Show".
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
The Leno-O'Brien Shift
NBC stations would like to see Leno-O'Brien shift but thus far they have refused to dance.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Gay Marriage Defendant Quits
California gay marriage defendant wants out of case. Claims health problems. "I've been feeling a little queer lately."
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Taco Never Sold Well
Marvel sues to keep Spider-Man, X-Men copyrights but give up on Captain Taco!
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Two Air Disturbances
Unruly passengers cause 2 flights to change course. "Kept trying to join that mile-high club in the aisle", say one Captain.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Record Large-Mouth Bass Caught
Man ties record for biggest large-mouth bass. "Looks a lot like me mother-in-law", says fisherman.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Rare US Coin Sold
Rare coin fetches over £2.3 million in auction. Ironically, it is the wooden nickel no one would take during the 1930's and 1940's.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Just Saying Goodbye
Man arrested in Newark airport security breach says he was saying goodbye to girlfriend. Officers say he may now say goodbye until finishing prison term.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Bombers Confused
CIA bomber calls for attacks on US in video. Many bombers in Afghanistan say they don't even have cameras for a video.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Scots Plan Ahead
With the threat of flooding due to blocked drains with tonnes of grit the Scottish Environment Agency has sub contracted firms from England and Wales to keep the province free of floods!
written by iscrivener, 09 January 2010
"Ood Dear"
Russell T Davies is the latest target to blame for the worst winter in decades. Until he writes out the Ood from the last series of Dr Who then the Ood have said they are here to stay, snow and all.
written by iscrivener, 09 January 2010
Here's To You Mrs. Robinson
Disgraced Iris Robinson has announced she is to marry Dustin Hoffman in a desperate bid to recapture the thrill of taking a younger lover.
written by iscrivener, 09 January 2010
Crashes to Ashes
While Scotland copes with the extreme weather the English Highways Agency has been given emergency powers to collect ashes from crematoriums to spread on untreated roads throughout England and Wales!
written by iscrivener, 09 January 2010
The Week in Review:
Thursday: The Rapture. If you are reading this, we're sorry. You missed it.
written by Adam Click, 09 January 2010
Man city sign Viera and Man U revitalise killer Keano, we can't wait!
Viera has flown into Man City vowing to kick the crap out of Man U, Sir Alex has offered Roy Keane a short term contract too, let the French - Irish battle begin. Keano is training with the SAS BTW!
written by unknown
British Police Drag CIA Man off airliner bound for Dubai
- as a professional courtesy; the CIA agent didn't want the gig.
written by Tcoah, 09 January 2010
US seeks death penalty for unruly airline passenger
"He demanded an extra bag of peanuts," said a TSA spokesman, "and that is a capital offence under new counter-terror laws..."
written by Robin Berger, 09 January 2010
"Darling warns of 'toughest cuts for 20 years'"
The Chancellor says UK men face severe cuts to their manhood, "We need to create openings for 16-18 year olds", said the Chancellor.
written by Tcoah, 09 January 2010
Global Warming a Problem?
You bet, because we don't have enough of it right now. Brrrrr . . .
written by Gail Farrelly, 09 January 2010
President Obama Attempts to Emphasize Jobs
He knows he may be in the market for one -- sooner than he thought.
written by Gail Farrelly, 09 January 2010
Teenager Drivers Law Repealed
A new law in New Jersey forcing the state's teenager drivers to display a special sticker on the back of their car has been repealed. Too many old guy's in trench coats hanging around.
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Just Old Weird Harold Tentpeg
The Asheville, North Carolina Council Boy Scouts of American say they have become 99.5% Counselor molester free!
written by Bureau, 09 January 2010
Climate change activist chipped off pavement
Prominent missing Climate Change activist Biolene Gullible was today found frozen to death in Trafalgar Square wearing a bikini,tragically still clutching a banner reading "We'll never see snow again"
written by jeremy griffiths, 09 January 2010
Emergency call for more CO2
As the big freeze continues the EU today called for an increase in Carbon emmissions in order to combat Global cooling."For god's sake chuck some more coal on the fire" the directive urged.
written by jeremy griffiths, 09 January 2010
