NATO to Send 2,500 More Troops to Haiti
Body count at 72,000, surely to rise with additional troops.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Susan Boyle Snubbed by UK Fans In "Most Desireable Woman" Vote
Edged out by Penelope Cruz, writers worldwide can't understand the disloyalty of virile UK Men and aspiring women.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
60 Minutes
Don Hewitt, who invented '60 Minutes,' and died at 86 had a memorial service today. "Ain't it always the way, the good die young", stated 93-year-old Mike Wallace.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
When Oprah Leaves, Should Rosie O'Donnell Replace Her?
Surely not! Kirstie is barging in.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Bill Admits Blowing
Former President Clinton admits that he blew it for both Al Gore and Hillary.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Cafferty: Let All Haitians In as Refugees?
Sure, why not? We don't have enough on people on welfare yet.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Sam Sasquatch For Governor
Sasquatch being interviewed on Minnesota TV says that if he wins the governorship, he'll put his Big Foot down on spending!
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Troubles at Every Turn in Ft. Hood Shooter's Training
Recruiting Muslims to serve as Field Grade Officers in a war against Muslims........ need we go any further?
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Heidi Montag Tilts the 50/50 Barier
The blond bombshell has announced that with her last ten surgeries, she is now more than 50% plastic, rivaling artificial sex dummies.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Just Coincidense
Report: No connection found between Haiti curse and last three Presidents.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
He Was A Kennedy
Massachusetts late Senator Ted Kennedy honored by the whole Senate today, even grudgingly by the hypocrites.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Still Looking
Iraqis say they have capture the 157th Saddam Hussein lookalike just south of Baghdad.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Backlash as Cruise Ship Takes Dump, Then Leaves Haiti
The Cruise Ship "Fecal Frivolity", was having excess pressure problems in the #2 dump lines. After stopping in Haiti for a fart 'N Dump session, it left in a hurry. Fumed, Haitians are protesting.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Armstrong Commercial
Lance Armstrong to do new candy bar commercials, "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't."
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
IRS to Expand Audits as Cash Runs Low
As IRS finds that no one has any cash.......the printing presses will suddenly spin much more freely.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
What Is This Shit?
Soil samples sent back by Mars Rover said to show that Mars once had laxatives.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
A Different Tale
Downtown office wiggle tail says she's sick and tired of having stories made up about her by office tattle tale.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Clintons Pissed At Obamas
Clintons upset with treatment by Obamas! "Without me, he never would have carried the Trailer Park, Truckstop vote", says Bill.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Americans Take Over Haiti
France accuses American troops of overtaking Haiti after earthquake. "That's prime real estate", says Nicolas Sarkozy.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
"Just Their Organs"
DNA evidence condemns 90-year-old former organ grinder. Believed victims used to feed monkey collecting coins.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Still Not Funny
Historians say they have discovered the world's oldest joke about the world's oldest profession from 20,000BC and brought back in 1962 by Milton Berle.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Elizabeth Dole Tired
Elizabeth Dole says she would run for President if Bob would stay off the Viagra for awhile. "He can't balance himself on that one arm, so guess who does all the work?"
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
U.S. Troops Land at Haiti Presidential Pallace
Take less than 10 minutes to completely ransack the place for valuables that can be sold on eBay.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Refunds Spent
Poll: Most Americans used 2009 rebate checks on paying bank penalties after being overdrawn.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
5500 Americans Missing in Haiti
Government stumped on how to spin al-Quaida as responsible. Big reward offered for best spin idea.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
"Hello My Honey!"
Frog that sings "My Ragtime Gal" among 353 new Himalayan species discovered say members of the WWF.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Or Week From Today
After observing Martin Luther King's birthday by closing yesterday, several banks plan to be back open today.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Running Out Of Names
One hundred thousandth satire site "Dog Pecker Pink" sued by by original "Dogpecker Pink" and "Pup Pecker Pink".
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Waiting & Watching
While watching and waiting on global warming, Radical Nudists meet quietly to plan their rule of the new earth.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
They Fit Perfectly
Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum figure of President Obama sent Prince Charles ears by mistake. Returns them with "Right Size, Wrong Color" note.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
US attack Haiti, they believe it's a war they can win at last!
Obama has US crack parachutists attack Haiti, they landed in the destroyed palace, captured voodoo priests in a trance and some headless chickens attempting to escape Obama said, we're on winner!
written by unknown
Watching Sports Bar TV, Eating Napkin
Study shows that trying to do otter dangs wheel watcheng telivesion distracks frum mustard an a leetle catsoup, pleez!
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Supreme Court Test Case?
Party Animal Rights group may go to court against Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Cars Too Small
Report: Air bags completely useless on new small cars, as they crush you like a bug against the back glass.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
"Wonderful Life" Wins
It's a Wonderful Life voted top Christmas movie of all time! Edges out, "The Bad Santa".
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Experts Changing Minds
Experts are now saying that it's not global warming we should fear but global humidity!
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Another Bad Economic Sign
Poll: Teens use of drugs down 18% as more are turning to cheap liquor, airplane glue, paint thinner.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Global Warming Warning Cools Off!
Is global warming credibility falling pretty fast or is it me?
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Al Sharpton Speaks Out On Obama
Calls Obama a dark skinned white boy who speaks like a honky when he needs to do so.
written by Nailer, 19 January 2010
Armstrong On Moon
Re-enactment of first man on the moon will use the same stage as original was shot.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Later Invented Airplane
Re-Enactment of the Wright Brothers' first failed flight fails!
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Saudis to help Haiti
The Saudi Arabian Government announced the departure of a 500 camel caravan to bring aid to the Haitian earthquake victims.
written by Nailer, 19 January 2010
Debate of the Giants
Pat Robertson to debate Danny Glover tonight on CNN. Tune in 8 Eastern, 7 Central.
written by Nailer, 19 January 2010
Can I Bring My Computer?
Sky TV producer who stalked former classmate and Googled her name 40,000 times by accident is jailed for only 16 weeks.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
The Big Fake
Woman 'crippled with arthritis claimed £10,000 benefits while working as a sailing instructor', mountain climber guide.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Lottery Winner Celebrates
Widower who scooped £26m in Euromillions lottery win says late wife 'will have big grin on her face'. Talks to undertaker.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Records Sex With Child
Single mother had sex with boy, 12, almost 200 times in one month and marked each encounter with a star in her sordid diary.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Facebook Pic Leads To Investigation
'Smoking' baby Facebook picture sparks investigation into teenage mother. Worse case since 9-month-old grew beard and mustache say social workers.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Generous Group
Royal Caribbean, Disney Cruise ask $2M in bailout money to give at least $1M in Haiti aid.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Attorney: Client Made Honest Mistake
Attorney: Man in JFK breach just used 'wrong door', like last month's innocent person who mistakenly put on one black shoe and one brown in hurry to reach airport.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Boyle Snubbed
Susan Boyle snubbed, gets no British Award nomination. Snubs.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Tougher Warning
FDA debates tougher cancer warning on tanning beds. So far, "This Is Your Preview Coffin" signs ruled out.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Seeking Stability
Gates: US seeks stability between India, Pakistan, Israel, Syria, Iran, Columbia, Venezuela, Cuba, Russia, Ukraine, Greece, Turkey, etc. etc.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
British Met Office's new hire
British woman predicts rain showers and storms "because she always get a migraine" and the severity or lack thereof of the upcoming storm corresponds with the intensity of the migraine
written by Tcoah, 19 January 2010
LA Set To Vote
LA council set to vote on marijuana ordinance after extensive two-day discussions in smoke-filled room.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Cadbury Sold
Kraft Foods, Cadbury agree $19.5 billion deal. "This is a sweet deal for us", says Kraft spokesman.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Around Here Somewhere
Violence erupts again in central Nigeria as thousands of e-mail investors arrive to collect their money from non-existent bank.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Little Late
Afghans tighten security in Kabul after attack. Close barn door after horse finally caught.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Predicted To Become Valedictorian
Obama to seek $1.35 billion more for education, going for his 'Masters' in 'Political Bullshit'!
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Flock In Mass.
Voters flock to polls for Massachusetts election as flock's call non-voters 'chickenshit!'
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Men Get Boost
Report: More men get economic, sexual boost from marriage that women.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
It Was The Creek Or Me!
California man shoots his way out of sinking SUV, already receives movie offer.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
FBI Collecting Records
Report: FBI illegally collected phone records, for the one-hundredth time.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Avatar Too Much For Watcher
Taiwan man dies after watching 'Avatar'. First movie casualty since the ending of "Psycho".
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Least Known Bird
"World's least known bird" found breeding in Afghanistan. Up to now, experts say they have been too shy.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Gates / Clinton Plan draws Cheers from GOP
Hillary says to make Haiti the 51st state so Haitians can quickly relocate to the lower 48; Gates says he needs someplace for up to 20,000,000 detainees and Cuba is too small. A Perfect Match.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Paris Hilton adopts Pig
Promises no bacon for breakfast.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Why did Demi Skip the Globes
Wadn't gettin' no award, so why be there?
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Nicholas Cage to Pay IRS $ 14,000,000.00
Jeez Nicholas, 'bout time for a Jewish accountant don't ya think?
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
U.S. Airlift Takes 200 Haitian Refugees to Miami
Within 24 hours, 62 of the refugees have been arrested for committing crimes and placed in INS holding detention facilities awaiting deportation back to Haiti.
Doh!
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Kirstie Alley Desperate: Her Endorsement Contract with Cadbury is in Doubt
As the 385 lb. Cadbury Chocolates Poster Girl, the potential takeover by Kraft could leave here without the lifetime supply of chocolates she depends on to keep her weight up.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Apple iSlate May be Unveiled on Jan. 27
"Big Whoop," says a bored Kindle.
written by Gail Farrelly, 19 January 2010
Fierce California Storms Create Problems
Conan O'Brien really SHOULD learn to get better control of his temper.
written by Gail Farrelly, 19 January 2010
Oldest Dinosaur Yet Discovered; Shaped More Like Brontosauras
The 66 Ton Behemoth has been named "OBombasaurus" due to its uncanny similarity in shape to Michele O'Bomba.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Nearly 400 Tons of Ground Beef Recalled
Once collected, the aged protein will be recycled and sent to Taco Bell Restaurants Nationwide.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Karzai's Proposed Appointees Rejected Again by Afghans
Nearly all are currently on the U.S. Federal Government's payroll. I wonder if that could be the problem..?
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Cornel West Urges: "Don't Sanitize MLK"
He likes it better the "all natural way."
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Back To Abnormal
Everything seems to be working well with TheStoof after weekend orangutan cheeks.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Also Pees Himself
Charleston, West Virginia cub scout leader that told scary stoties before bed time, debunked!
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Optimistic
A new poll shows that most Americans, British are optimistic about "thinking good thoughts".
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Americans On Pills!
Thirty-seven million Americans now on antidepressant pills, but does anybody give a rat's ass? No!
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
"Bartay!"
Parkay Margarine tub becomes hair lipped on conveyor belt but makes it to grocery.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
O'Bomba's Second Try at Mid-East Peace Talks
Sending Jewish Hillary Clinton to Meet 'N Greet Party with Jewish Chief Benjamen Netanyahu will for sure produce results this time around.
Yep! As Lucy Says.. This time for sure!
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
California Like Most States, Sees Next Budget Crisis Looming
Further service reductions to "no services rendered" will leave 350,000 State employees with nothing to do except collect their paychecks!
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
What the U.S. Military Will Do in Haiti
Make plenty of babies.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Blair to Face Grilling Over Iraq War
Says he'll show up just as soon as he gets done reviewing Shell Oil quarterly profit reports.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Student Pulled from Haitian Rubble After Sexting
Rescue workers found an office still intact inside a collapsed building. The occupants had reverted to engaging in kinky sex acts to keep warm, and were sexting their experiences to Pat Robertson.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Bush Weapons Inspector Stung in Online Sex Case
Will now be required to surrender his weapon.
OUCH!
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
It's Her, Joe
Garbage men not surprised this time after finding Amy Winehouse sleeping in wheelie bin once again.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
O'Bomba Sets Date for Next State of Union Address
To be held right after the Union dissolves......sometime next week.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
New Hardy Boys Book
Eighty-One year-old Hardy Boys new book, "The Case Of Stolen Viagra Pills" out in March. Sorry, this one is PG, folks. (Pappy's Goober)
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Is bathing just once a week healthy?
Hmmm, Must be a new White House "Green" Policy.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
Haitians Everywhere United by Voodoo Faith
Finally, a religion that makes some logical sense.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 19 January 2010
TheSpoof Apologizes
TheSpoof officially apologizes to former President Bush about false WMD reports in Iraq before invasion, even though all 18 stories, including the 72 virgins, clearly stated that they were fake.
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
Iraq Situation Improving
General says that Iraqi people have better opinion of troops than when invasion happened. "Instead of 'Invading Devils' we're now 'Lying Sacks Of Shit'!
written by Bureau, 19 January 2010
