Jets Coach already planning tickertape parade for their Superbowl Victory
No idea when it will happen, but 2010 is in serious doubt.
written by unknown
Michael Vick Throws Touchdown Pass and Fumbles in Playoff Game
Andy Reid says "I'd put Michael in my doghouse, but we all know what would happen then."
written by unknown
Unemployment Climbs Past 12%
Acorn workers to show jobless how to get double benefits.
written by unknown
Conan Refuses To Move His Show Later To Give Leno Back His Old Time Slot
"He already got cancelled once this year, what guarantees it won't happen again?"
written by unknown
Major Earthquake Strikes Haiti
Rosie O'Donnell denies that she was running on the beach
written by unknown
Yeti Spotted at Lambeth Palace
A 10 foot hairy creature was spotted in the grounds of Lambeth Palace this morning. The creature was caught on CCTV. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, said that it was "an abomination!"
written by IN SEINE, 12 January 2010
Just another silly legal case
Aluminium v. Aluminum (Federal Case Docket No. 49734)
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
Food manufacturers classify product of hydrochloric acid and sodium hydroxide
'as flavouring' for low sodium foods
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
Making Grit go Twice as Far
Councils across the UK have a cunning plan to make grit go twice as far...they will drive the gritters twice as fast. One driver was arrested for doing 120mph on the motorway.
written by IainB, 12 January 2010
"Sulphurous Seductress" or "Sulfurous Seductress"
"Separated by a Common Language"
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
You Should Know That
'something is going down' - "If only we knew what that 'something' is," said clueless (head of CIA)
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
Wheels fall off Gordon Brown's election wagon
GB goes all out for sympathy vote.
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
Iris Robinson and her 'tricks'
Iris Robinson wore out her teen lover and moved onto wild boar, bear, weasel, and finally the Tasmanian Devil - driving the Tasmanian Devil to the edge of distinction
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
'Volunteer to Make a Difference'
So went the Nazi teen recruitment tweet
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
'The Most Influential US Conservative'
Obama - well, can u think of anyone else that focuses the minds of the Conservatives more than President Obama?
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
'A single Paracetamol pill caused it to turn black and fall off'
Man Weapon!
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
Quentin Davies's neice is a monster so says
Quentin Davies's neice
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
Neighbors Of Killer
The next door neighbors of a man arrested for being a serial killer describe the man as "pretty much like any other run of the mill serial killer."
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
It's A Start
Hamas seeks to lower tension with Egypt, Israel. Begin supplying Palestinian youths with nerf balls
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
More Cutbacks
Due to recent economic slump and cost increase for shipping oil Exxon-Mobile has laid off 24 congressmen and three senators.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Costs For Extra Baggage
Continental Airlines has matched Delta Air Lines' recent extra charges for baggage. "So leave the old gal at home", states airline employee who is fired five minutes later
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Rose: McGuire Belongs In HoF
Pete Rose says that Mark McGuire belongs in the Hall Of Fame. "Sure he was on steroids at the time but so were the pitchers."
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Pete Carroll Wants NMSU Head Coach as Defensive Coordinator
"He's got a nine game losing streak here and we had the worst rated offense for yardage and scoring in the NCAA. How much do we have to pay them to take him?" asks NMSU.
written by unknown
Motel Sex Fined
Motel Sex has received a large fine by the US government for wasting electricity from 'leaving a red light on for you'.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
More Children's Jewlery Tainted with Cadmium Discovered
"Who sucks on their ankle bracelet?" asks Chinese manufacturing group.
written by unknown
Courts Throw Out Dan Rather's Lawsuit
Upset former anchorman asks, "If I was black, would Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson come to my defense?"
written by unknown
Economy Worsens
The economy has gotten so bad in the United states that Visa and Mastercard are sending out pre-denied cards in the mail.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Sarah Palin to Begin Work on Fox News
John McCain will still be scripting all of her stories and reports.
written by unknown
Former Slugger Mark McGwire Admits To Steroid Use
"Mark? Steroids? Really? I never would have guessed it was the steroids that made the 160 pound rookie into the 270 pound slugger."
written by unknown
It's Winter
Fire department called out again to go up and down frozen streets detaching dogs from fire hydrants.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Forget skinny hips and boney bums, big fatty bums are the healthiest!
Scientists have proven that fatty bummed, hipped, thighed women are the healthiest, as for "Skinnies" and women with beer-guts they are unhealthy and only enjoy sex with dildos!
written by unknown
Alastair Campbell: "I did not sex-up WMD dossier"
"But I had sex with the WMD dossier."
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
Dutch declare Iraq war illegal and demand extradition of Blair and Bush to The Hague!
Holland have declared the Iraqi war illegal, have accused Bush and Blair of war crimes and both are to be extradited to The Hague for the Trial, Tony asked for some weed in his cell!
written by unknown
Alistair Campbell "Spins" his way out of trouble and blames Blair!
Super Spin doctor A.Campbell "spun" in court, blamed Blair and George Bush who promised him WOMD in Iraq. The only WOMD in Iraq were WW1 Russian tanks and Nomads use them for hanging their washing on
written by unknown
"These Boots Were Made For Vegans"
Animal rights extremist given 'vegan' work boots and 'ethical' make-up in jail (and guess who's footing the bill?)
"The silly cow!", states jailer.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Better At Helping In Support Roles?
A fifth of Britain's infantry is unfit for to serve on the front line, MoD reveals. "Then why are they always placed there", asks public.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Eyes Reveal Secrets
New tests show a man's eyes reveal his true intentions. Is he looking at your face or your boobs?
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Remember: Chickens First
Farmer whose chickens were spooked by RAF jets gets a bigger MoD payout than wounded soldiers, who get chickenfeed.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Teenager's Miracle
Miraculous recovery of teenager who grew back her face after suffering 'one-in-a-million' allergic reaction to paracetamol, giving advice to John Bobbitt.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
How About Customers?
In New York City today the Plumber's Union say they are facing a big crackdown.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Middle Class Crackdown
Middle class medical professionals are to be targeted in a new tax evasion crackdown, it emerged yesterday. Doctors say "Wait till politicians need exams."
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Average House Price Up
Average house price breaks through the £200,000 barrier. Could hit £300,000 this year as nobody is buying them anyway.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Government Demands Boobs Returned
Benefits cheat swindled £60,000 and flew to Moscow, the world capital of boobs, for boob job.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Chimp Outperforms Bankers
Lusha the chimpanzee outperforms 94% of Russia bankers with her investment portfolio as freak weather around the world affects banana crops.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Iran Blames US
Iran blames 'U.S. and Zionists' after top nuclear scientist is killed by remote-controlled motorcycle bomb after remote controlled skateboard bomb misfires.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Drained Dry
Iris Robinson's toy boy lover Kirk McCambley 'feigned testicular cancer, having the clap, to end affair'
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Politics
Gordon Brown was key member of Blair's 'inner circle' that made decision to invade Iraq, worship golden calf, Alistair Campbell tells Chilcot inquiry
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Brit Bulldog Needed
Britain braces for third wave of Big Freeze: Grit and gas critically low as forecasters warn of fresh band of snow across UK. Many asking, "Where's Churchill?"
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
March Banned
Islamist group that planned Wootton Bassett hate march banned by Home Secretary, may have them marching around his residence.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Terns For The Worse
Arctic terns take break en route south for winter after forming ice on their wings over Florida.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Egyptian Update
Egypt: New find shows slaves didn't build pyramids. Mostly done by hired family of descendants of Goliath family.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Income Levies Due In April
AP source: Obama considers levy for rescued firms as he doesn't care for the term 'taxes'. Further levies on the way.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
28-Years Ago!
A man long suspected in the 1982 Chicago-area Tylenol slayings has submitted a DNA sample and fingerprints to authorities, a friend said Monday. Report to be ready by 2038!
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
WalMart Pulling Jewelry
Walmart pulling jewelry cited in AP cadmium report. Other cadmium items in Cadmium Department still available if you hurry.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Another Recall
China to look into AP report of cadmium in their cadmium jewelry.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
"Missed Him By THAT Much!"
Bomb kills Iran nuclear physicist tied to Mousavi. Mousavi was apparently tied to him loosely.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
McGwire Confesses. Still Awaiting Bonds, Sosa
Mark McGwire finally admits using steroids. Huge line-up of exposed asses before each game.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Life Kicks Off!
Relay for Life kicks off Tuesday. Let's rephrase that. Relay For Life BEGINS Tuesday.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Missing Moon Rocks Found
Hawaii's missing moon rocks found in the last place everyone looked for them.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Strongman Dies
NYC amusement park strongman, 104, killed by minivan he was holding over his head.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Needs A Good Chewing Out
Greg Norman, Chris Evert finalize divorce in secret as Evert displays 'shark' bites.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Older Aircraft Study
Study: FAA calls for inspections of older Boeing 737s, especially those with loose things hanging out.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Probably Sixth Served Martini
An unruly passenger whose drunken behavior prompted an AirTran Airways aircraft to make an emergency landing escorted by fighter jets was charged on Monday with interference with a flight crew.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
"Where Does The Time Go These Days?"
Couch potatoes, beware. Sitting in front of the television for hours daily could shorten your life, according to an Australian study.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Role Models
Study: Youth now have more mental health issues. Physicians blame crazy acts of Britney, Woods, Jackson, etc.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Skewed & Screwed
Skewed China birth rate to leave twenty-four million men single.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Security Clampdown
Iraqi security forces lock down parts of Baghdad. American trained troops doing so well they're even keeping us out.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Rebuilding Fraud
US investigating 38 cases of reconstruction abuse, as the same house in Afghanistan rebuilt 37 times.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Insurance Tax?
Labor angry over Obama-backed insurance tax. What next, a tax on number of feces flushed to protect the environment?
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Not for the Fainthearted
Veterinary Scientists in Oxford have successfully crosseda Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
written by IN SEINE, 12 January 2010
The Bread Of Life
The face of Jesus has appeared on a slice of naan bread in a curry house in Surrey. "It's nice to know that the good Lord is keeping an eye on me!" said diner, Rogan Josh, today.
written by IN SEINE, 12 January 2010
Man Eating Tiger Spotted in Kitchen in Surrey.
A man was spotted eating a cardboard box for breakfast this morning. "I was eating my 'Frosties' but when they run out, I had to eat the box and poor old Tony the Tiger was eaten." said Zak Striper.
written by IN SEINE, 12 January 2010
Simon Cowell Joins Fox News
"Hey, I'm just as fair and balanced as the other Fox News commentators," he stated.
written by Gail Farrelly, 12 January 2010
Slogan of Fox News Changes After Hiring Sarah Palin
"She reports, she decides, you betcha."
written by Gail Farrelly, 12 January 2010
"Let There Be Light," God Said
. . . but not for those who suffer from migraines.
written by Gail Farrelly, 12 January 2010
New Jersey Is Smoking
Potheads from all over the country are rushing there, as medical marijuana is approved by the NJ Legislature.
written by Gail Farrelly, 12 January 2010
Federal Regulators Expand Charges Against B of A
Demanding a bigger piece of the pie for themselves. B of A Officials reminded the regulators that the government is the bank and their bosses won't like what they are doing.
End Game.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 12 January 2010
New Jersey Legilature Approves Marijuana Bill
A long time in coming, legislative officials will now be exempt from charges when pulled over for smoking "just a little pot".
written by Richard DagNabbit, 12 January 2010
Wal-Mart Enters Banking Market With In-Store ATM's
The ATM's will disperse customers funds in Wal Mart bucks only, but will be spendable at in-store McDonald's restaurants.
Wal-Mart strikes again.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 12 January 2010
Mel Gisbson "Feels Sorry for Tiger"
Geez Mel, what about Tiger's wife?
written by Richard DagNabbit, 12 January 2010
The New U.S. "Permanent Temporary Work Force"
Permanent bust ass work with lower wages; paychecks that buy anything strictly temporary.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 12 January 2010
McGwire to Marry Namath's Daughter Olivia
The two are expected to "shoot up some royds" or "puff the magic dragon" each and every night and all day Saturdays and Sundays.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 12 January 2010
O'Bomba May Look At Bank Fees to Reign In Deficit
Bankers say any levies will be passed on to customers.
Thanks Again, O'Bomba
written by Richard DagNabbit, 12 January 2010
Newt Gingrich in 2012?
Is it possible the U.S. population is that stupid?
-Don't Answer That-
written by Richard DagNabbit, 12 January 2010
Dem's and GOP Trade Race Card Shots
You're a Nigger! No, You are. No, you're a jive talkin' Nigger - No, You're the biggest lazy ass Nigger that ever was - You sound just like a Nigger!
Dem's and GOP's.. two true blue groups of clowns
written by Richard DagNabbit, 12 January 2010
Smurf Love
Dick Cheney admits he has had to quit taking Viagra. "Oh, the pill worked but everything was blue and the wife looked like a Smurf."
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Reid Apologizes Again
Senator Harry Reid once again apologizes to President Barack Obama for telling everyone that the wrong part of Obama is white.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Tutu At Ballet
Bishop Desmond Tutu finally gets up the nerve to attend a ballet.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
"Best Fruit Pie You Ever Had"
Advertising agent at ABC writes 32-page jingle to Margie's Fruit Pies after smoking pot, eating Margie's Fruit Pies all day.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Alley Has New Job
Kirstie Alley gives up, signs contract to do commercials for WallyMart's tent-size fashions.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Wife Accuses 'Cannibal' Husband!
John Elder of Topeka, Kansas, who recently married a vegetarian, apparently ate the family dog in his sleep last night.
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Latest From 'Boogertown Times'
Seventy-Five percent of Boogertown, Nebraska's weekly newspaper copied from the internet. Logo: The only paper in the world whose subscribers know more about Britney than their next door neighbor!"
written by Bureau, 12 January 2010
Authorities want less salt in food
Have asked food manufacturers to find alternatives like NaCl to replace salt.
written by Tcoah, 12 January 2010
Save City Water
Each year crappy TV commercials annoy the viewers more and more. Many cities have asked their residents to cease taking potty breaks during the commercials, as the sewer plants are being overloaded!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 January 2010
Rent-A-Potty Rental Policy
Nauseous Rent-A-Potty allows the client to choose any available potty on their lot. This policy speeds up movement!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 January 2010
BOTOX is Tax-less
The House and Senate compromise health care reform bill does not contain a BOTOX tax. House Speaker Pelosi plans to have her whole body redone!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 January 2010
