Crop Circles
The CIA have found the source of many crop circles in Kansas, Iowa area. A farmer who loves playing jokes has purchased himself a new John Deere'Protractor.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Can't Count
Merchants in Islamabad, Pakistan say they are having trouble doing their inventories because of the Taliban.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Nudist Colony Peepers
In Miami, Florida a hole has been bored into a wall at the nudist colony there. Miami Police are looking into it.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
White Hart Inn in Bedwas
First to serve up SNOWMAGEDDON cocktails during 'happy Obama hour'.
written by Tcoah, 08 February 2010
SAINTS WIN SUPER BOWL
In a totally unexpected upset, the Saints won the Super Bowl yesterday. Veteran quarterback St. Peter led the team in a 31-17 victory over the infidel colts with the help of right tackle St. Anthony.
written by Daniel Bristol, 08 February 2010
A Secret Federal Report
has concluded that if a nuke device goes off in downtown Washington it will, prior to detonation, be driven to a street near Congress in a white van. Obama's solution: paint all white vans blue.
written by Tcoah, 08 February 2010
WAshington Dc ->
Stuck in a snow-warp, a trillian trillian ice-crystals from normality, and a President that doesn't understand the difference between ... well, anything really.
written by Tcoah, 08 February 2010
New English Voting Law Changes Announced
Following the English Parliament's ruling on pregnancy tests for 11 year old school girls Secretary of State for Health, Andy Burnham said "...and they will also be given the vote!"
written by iscrivener, 08 February 2010
New Stevens Album
Yusuf Islam or "Cat Stevens" putting out a new album, "Tabby Or Not Tabby!"
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
The Cat Came Back
Yusuf Islam or "Cat Stevens" putting out a new album, "Got Mouse?"
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Or "The Hump Song"
Old Rock Group Three Dog Night may reunite and put out a new version of "She's Got Legs"
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Rock Reunion
Old Rock Group Three Dog Night may reunite and put out a new version of "Live It Up, Lap It Up!"
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
New Key Beer To Hit Market
Scottish & Newcastle UK have come up with a Scottish version of Newcastle Brown Ale called Nookie Broon - with the added ingredient of 1000mg per ml of Viagra/Testosterone. Coming soon.
written by iscrivener, 08 February 2010
Big Favorite Among Fans
Old Rock Group Three Dog Night may reunite and put out a new version of "Will Ye Go, Lassie, Go?"
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
You Are What You Eat
It has been rumoured that Gordon Brown has begun to eat nine bananas a day after being given a book for Christmas called "You Are What You Eat" by Gillian McKeith.
written by IN SEINE, 08 February 2010
Three Dog Night
Old Rock Group Three Dog Night may reunite and put out a new version of "Don't Forget (to stop and smell the piles along the way").
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Gore Going Mad As A Hatter
Al Gore still having mental problems according to Tipper. "Now, not only does he run outside a& shake his fist at snowflakes, he says we will soon be in a parallel universe where he is president.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Headed For Higher Wages At Mickey D's
Unemployment may reach 11% in February numbers as over 100,000 Elvis Impersonators, mimes, rodeo and circus clowns laid off.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Gordon Brown Turns Cannibal
Gordon Brown, is on a health-drive and is eating no less than nine bananas a day. This is PURE CANNIBALISM. Likewise David Cameron is tucking into nuts & Nick Clegg is endulging in Crackers.
written by IN SEINE, 08 February 2010
Post Office Cuts
U.S Postal Service may cut down to three days per week, Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, except for holidays, of course.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Help Haiti charity single release put on ice, Rod Stewarts hair wasn't right!
Simon Cowells dream of a Nr1 single has been torpedoed by Rod Stewart who complained his hair was not styled properly, it made his nose look too big, Simon is distraught and proves "Everybody Hurts"
written by unknown
Why Don't Tesco Do Something More Useful?
Tesco, have banned a man from carrying his daughter on his shoulders from entering the store - yet they don't forbid old lady for carrying a £100,000 plate from a Royal tea set in a Tesco carrier bag.
written by IN SEINE, 08 February 2010
150 Year Old President of Freedonia, Rufus T. Firefly, Passes Away
Duck Soup to be served at funeral luncheon.
written by unknown
Jimmy Cracked Corn....
...and I still don't care.
written by unknown
Taylor Swift Lingerie Secrets Revealed
She still wears the same training bras that her mother bought her when she was eleven.
written by unknown
Twilight Star Kristen Stewart Reveals Wedding Plans
There is no prospective groom, but it is never to early for a girl to start planning her wedding!
written by unknown
Autopsy Reveals Michael Jackson's Missing Nose Was Attached to Penis
Apparently, he enjoyed sniffing around down there.
written by unknown
Killing rats on Aussie TV celeb Jungle shows is forbidden!
An Aussie Celeb jungle TV show has been fined by the RSPCA for letting its Celebs kill a rat and eat it, their answer was, "better the rat than eating each other!" Strange people these Aussies!
written by unknown
Toyota Issue Free Bumper Sticker
"My Other Car Stops When I Brake."
written by Skoob1999, 08 February 2010
Reason for There Being so Many Politicians in Australia Found
As ITV found to its cost (£1600 to be precise) it is illegal to kill a rat in Australia. "Now the bloody country is overrun with the little blighters." according to unnamable Aboriginal tribesmen
written by IN SEINE, 08 February 2010
Rock Group "Vaginal Discharge" Told Band's Name Will Not Be Used On Television
The word "discharge" is too close to "you're fired," and Donald Trump has already copyrighted that.
written by unknown
Go Daddy Has Sexiest Super Bowl Commercials Again
Only people attracted to Chelsea Clinton were turned on by the Clydesdales.
written by unknown
Prison Raffle Popular
Prisoners are entering a raffle competition, with a first prize of a day out. "If I win, I'm going inside some other bars", states hopeful inmate.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Obama Girls Upset With Father Over Health Care Plan
Pimple creams are apparently not covered by Universal Health Care.
written by unknown
Reggie Bush a Non-Factor in Saints Super Bowl Victory
That pretty much describes his whole post USC career.
written by unknown
Regis Philbin Scheduled For Bypass Surgery
Now, words will go straight out of his mouth without passing through his brain first.
written by unknown
Fan enjoyment of commercials prompts NFL to make change for next year
"Instead of a halftime concert, we'll just show more Clydesdales and Dorito's ads."
written by unknown
Girl Arrested For Doodling In Class
Police say she should have been "diddleing" her teachers like the other students.
written by unknown
Leno, Letterman, and Oprah Appear On Couch Together In Super Bowl Ad
It was a reverse oreo.
written by unknown
Ushers at Super Bowl Say It's Apparent Alzheimer's Has Struck The Who
"We should start calling them the question they kept asking, The Who Am I?"
written by unknown
John Terry and Tiger Woods Offer Joint Explanation For Multiple Infidelities
"Damn, how could you not want to hit that!"
written by unknown
Space Shuttle Blast Into Space in Evening Lift Off
Floriday partiers thought that it was just more post-Super Bowl fireworks.
written by unknown
The Who Perform Last Concert At Super Bowl
Starting next week, they become the "Help, I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up."
written by unknown
Toyota to Recall 300,000 Priuses
"We want to give the car a new name that doesn't sound so gay, and that people can actually spell."
written by unknown
One-Armed Bandit Not Greedy!
A one-armed man stole a single gold cufflink from a jewellers shop in Leigh-on-Sea, Essex, today. Police say; "the man is not quite armless, but certainly not greedy." They have nicknamed him 'Andy'.
written by IN SEINE, 08 February 2010
Joseph Addai was probably MVP for Indy Colts in Super Bowl Loss
When the Colts running back is their best player, you know that pass happy Indianapolis lost the game.
written by unknown
On Sides Kick and Interception Return Were Difference Makers In Super Bowl
The commercials had nothing to do with it.
written by unknown
General Sherman's Looking a Little Pale!
Bird makes safe landing after hitting airplane. Takes scare out on park statue.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
But It Was Close
Fox News finishes second only to TheSpoof in news accuracy!
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
It Was On The Obama Cable Channel
President Obama's constant talking allowed him to slip up again in yesterday's interview, mentioning troops in Yemen.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Cats No Good At Bomb Sniffing
Cats no good at bomb-sniffing say experts after running tests. "They'd rather clean their butts", says scientist. "Of course, I'd rather scratch my balls, myself."
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Edwards Sex Tape Safe
Judge says John Edwards sex tapes have been given to the National Enquirer for safe-keeping until needed. Promised that they won't look.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Infertility Passed Down For Generations
IVF fathers could pass infertility on to sons. But, of course, they don't have any, do they?
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Acid Can Be Rough
Acid syringe 'could spell an end to dentist's drill', patients tongue, gums.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
"I Cried Because I Had No Clues"
Emotional Alastair Campbell breaks down in TV interview on Iraq war 'dodgy dossier'
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
150 Languages
The town where pupils speak 150 different languages divided over some kind of misunderstanding.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
"Knew It Was Something"
British astronaut blasts into orbit to fit a room with a view onto space station, forgets his tools.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Chinese Discover over 3,000 Dinosaur Footprints
After the discovery of 3,000 dinosaur footprints in China, all pointing in one direction, believe that they have found a new species; just ONE monster which had 750 legs. A giant millipede perhaps?
written by IN SEINE, 08 February 2010
Celebrity Rat Eaters
ITV fined £2,000 after rat is killed and eaten on 'I'm A Celebrity, I Eat Rats'!
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Brakes Still Sticking
Now crisis-hit Toyota is poised to recall 270,000 Prius models. Object to people beginning to call it the Toyota Kamikaze!
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Tesco Going Nuts?
Tesco bans father from carrying his daughter on his shoulders. Daughter punches manager in the nuts.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Yo Mama!
'Secretive, power-hoarding, controlling', mother wears combat boots: Cameron launches highly personal attack on Brown.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Passengers Stunned
Passengers left stunned after Muslim bus driver pulls over and begins praying in the aisle. Flee bus in a panic screaming "Bomb!"
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
May Wait For Summer
-6C temperatures . . . and snow's on the way as the big freeze returns to Britain. Global Warming supporters still won't show themselves.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Dialect Gone Forever?
Ancient dialect extinct after last speaker dies. "If only we still had Andy Kaufman", say linguists.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
"WHO Are You?"
Pete Townshend: Nice to be part of spectacle, after seeing the old fart on the big screens.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Swine Flu Epidemic?
Is the US swine flu epidemic over? Did we ever have one? French say 'Oui Oui"
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
I. P. Freely: About These Drugs
Even if you're careful, drugs can end up in water, every time you take a whiz.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
"That Deaf, Dumb & Blind Kid"
Obama adviser: Stop criticizing anti-terror effort once we finally get one in place.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
"Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss!"
Obama hasn't ruled out NY trial for 9/11 planner. Could use US Army to surround building. Might speak to jury for a couple of hours.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Toyota's Powerful Friends
THE INFLUENCE GAME: Toyota's powerful and recently very wealthy DC friends.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Korean Talks Begin
North Korea threatens South amid push to restart talks, screaming arguments, fist fights for peace.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
French Sell Warship
France agrees to sell Russia advanced warship. "We'll never use it anyway."
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Super Gathering
Super Bowl TV spot brings Leno, Letterman together, but separates Peyton Manning from his receivers.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Saints Go Marching In
Saints win 1st NFL title by beating Colts 31-17! Ghost of Louie Armstrong seen leading funeral on Bourbon Street.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Strike Migration Rules Imposed
Australia tightens skilled migration rules. Birds can only fly over certain areas.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Landslide Victory
Costa Rica elects 1st woman president in landslide. Invites Stevie Nicks to victory celebration.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Drinking Water Full Of Drugs
Study links sugary soft drinks to pancreas cancer, too much beer to liver problems. Recommend bourbon on the rocks.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Super Bowl/New Orleans Party
Saints win 1st NFL title by beating Colts 31-17. New Orleans say they might celebrate a bit.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
New Orleans Wins Super Bowl
Saints win 1st NFL title by beating Colts 31-17! Drew Brees is the Pinball Wizard!
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
New Orleans Finally Wins
Saints win 1st NFL title by beating Colts 31-17. Fans still wondering WHO old guys were at halftime.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Mid Atlantic?
'Historic' snow strands countless in Mid-Atlantic. Ships on their way to pick them up.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
New Orleans: "We Won't Be Fooled Again"
Space shuttle blasts off on last night flight. Would have been a nice halftime show at Super Bowl but they had to wait.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Shuttle Blasts Off
Space shuttle blasts off on last night flight. Apologize to anyone left behind but they had a window of opportunity.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Obama Comments about Inviting Republicans to a Half-day Bipartisan Summit on Health Care
"I can only put up with Republicans for half a day."
written by Gail Farrelly, 08 February 2010
NASA Says Shuttle Launch Was Delayed until Monday Because of Bad Weather
No way. The delay was due to the fact that astronauts wanted to attend Super Bowl parties.
written by Gail Farrelly, 08 February 2010
Who?
The Who, that's who. The English band rocked Super Bowl crowds!
written by Gail Farrelly, 08 February 2010
Dear "Avatar,"
This weekend, you are not the No. 1 movie in the U. S. and Canada. That would be me. Love and Kisses, "Dear John"
written by Gail Farrelly, 08 February 2010
Oregon Orangutan, Kutai, Is Now In Protective Custody
He had predicted that the Colts would win the Super Bowl. Many gamblers acted on his prediction and are now out to get him.
written by Gail Farrelly, 08 February 2010
Deport 99% Of Them
Native Americans ask for deportation of 300 million illegal aliens except for those who can work at casinos.
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
"Next Stop Is Vietnam!"
Country Joe McDonald and the Fish reunite to do new version of "Carp & Sole, I Fell In Love With You"
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
"1,2,3 What Are We Fightin' For?"
Country Joe McDonald and the Fish reunite to do new version of "Salmon Sez"
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
"Gonna Have A Whole Lot Of Fun"
Country Joe McDonald and the Fish reunite to do new version of "Mackerel The Knife".
written by Bureau, 08 February 2010
Climate Change
Former Vice President Al Gore blames the record snow falls occurring in east coast states on global warming. He made the statement from his villa in the Bahamas, where he jetted to for the weekend.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
President Obama's Press Conference
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs passed out a paper to reporters describing the president's accomplishments during the last year. The FOX News Channel reporter asked why the page was blank?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
Observation
Did you ever notice that when you begin a task there are at least ten watchers to make sure the job is done correctly, but no one to help you?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
Imaginary Energy Production
President Obama trots out clean coal, nuclear power & off-shore oil drilling to placate Republicans. His Democratic loony left wing base desires only totally imaginary "green" sources by yesterday.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
Fish and Spinach
UK Nutrition Minister bans the eating of salty, greasy fish and chips throughout Britain. Pub patrons revolt and hang him in effigy after discovering he wants to substitute oily fish and spinach.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
Department of Energy Proposal
The DOE has announced that if 150 million Americans have intercourse every evening, 5.0 trillion kwhrs of "green" electrical energy will be generated. Do your patriotic duty!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
Born Loser Club Nominates Officers
A born loser is defined as a person who falls into a barrel of tits and comes up sucking his/her thumb! Prospective nominees are Congressman Barney Frank, House Speaker Pelosi and John Edwards.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
Asphalt Shortage Resolved
There is currently a shortage of asphalt to pave the nation's roads. Washington DC politicians have agreed to do something creative by furnishing all their bullshit to alleviate the situation.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
A Word about Gridlock
Washington DC political gridlock keeps both Democrats and Republicans out of your kitchens, bedrooms and pockets!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
A Hare Raising Thought
There are some "green" energy advocates who actually believe that if the "Energizer Bunny" multiplies like a rabbit, the USA's power problems are solved!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
Sexually Transmitted Disease Prevention
The recession has caused condom sales to drop and STD rates to increase. A new study recommends that males who can't afford condoms employ several layers of duct tape.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
New FDA Method to Control Obesity
FDA to add harmless nano-robots, with big teeth, to food packages containing items such as potato chips. If the consumer eats more than a single serving a nano-robot will bite him or her on the butt.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
Mid-Term Election Literature
Democratic Congressmen try to convince voters to reelect them in 2010 mid-term elections, on their performance. Voters are leery, as the campaign literature is printed on recycled horse poop paper.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
Food Purveyors Strike Back
The food police were dealt a heavy blow this week when KFC gave them the bird and NABISCO gave them the lady finger!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
Buddy can you spare a Trillion for a cup of Coffee
President Obama said "Let me be clear, I am not going to walk away from health reform." He then flew to Hawaii for a vacation & to figure out how to spend to the new $1.9 trillion debt limit.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
A Possibility
EPA issues a regulation mandating that snow must be allowed to melt in place, to avoid spoiling the environment. Congress & the president plan to move government functions to Hawaii, except the EPA.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 February 2010
