Mother moves international dateline to get son out of bed for school
A local Mom has used a neat trick in the battle to get her son Eric to his high school studies."Ha! He hasn't figured out that when he slouches into class he is a day ahead of time!"
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Very evolved Creationist pummels Evolutionist in fight
An Evolutionist's theory came home to roost quite painfully Saturday when arguing with a muscular Creationist."I can't justify my actions", said the Creationist,"just sometimes enough is enough!"
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
More from 'Meet the Actors'
Leonard Milt is best-known for his many appearances as broken-nosed villain Billy Bash in Minder. Few are aware of his early role as a pantomime Thompsons Gazelle in avant-garde panto Livingstone and Stanley.
written by Erskin Quint, 28 February 2010
Music (I can't take much more)
Silent Bugler Adelbert Greubelberger's performance of John Cage's controversial silent piano piece 4' 33" at Berlin's Eidelburger Institute 'reached new depths' according to critic Heinz Clucker.
written by Erskin Quint, 28 February 2010
How To Make Quince Jam
Bear markets went bullish in Tokyo yesterday as the Frankenkenheimerkenheimer Institute reported a contango and backwardation maelstrom in plumbago near-futures.
written by Erskin Quint, 28 February 2010
Zinc Future Options Fall
Mongolian Remaindering is a procedure by which redundant bishops go to Ulan Bator warehouses before cheap redistribution. 'Mine was the Bishop of Cork!' beams Allie Gayter of Littlehampton.
written by Erskin Quint, 28 February 2010
Bad Publicity Hurt
Latest victim of the economy? It's "Planet Pluto". All 54 of the the restaurant of the stars to close by July.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Music (no, please, not again)
Adelbert Greubelberger, 'The Silent Bugler', stunned the audience at Moscow's Frozmibolokov Theatre. 'I have never heard a silence like it', said critic Len Dmeatenner. 'It was bugling's quintessence.'
written by Erskin Quint, 28 February 2010
And Another One's Gone!
Latest victim of the economy? It's "Liver Hut". All 112 restaurants to close by end of June.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Music
Adelbert Greubelberger, 'The Silent Bugler', treated the audience at Krakow's 'Teatr Groztwat' to a performance of relentless, brooding desire and unfulfilled tension.
written by Erskin Quint, 28 February 2010
Gone for a Burton
Tim Burton's new 3D version of Winnie The Pooh, starring Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham-Carter, Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter, stars Johnny Depp as Johnny Depp in a Tigger suit.
written by Erskin Quint, 28 February 2010
Couples Only!
Dizney World opens new adult section that features The Goosey Moosie Fun House!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
More Surreal Prose-Poetry
The horror of moles, who swim in the earth. Clouds are dung-encrusted bedsheets that smother the sun's weak brassy gleams. A monkey in a butcher's apron crouches by my fire. How shall I be rid of him?
written by Erskin Quint, 28 February 2010
Displayed Proudly With 24-Hour Guard
Grilled cheese sandwich that has the image of Donald Duck on it sold to Kim Jung Il in North Korea for $100,000.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
More Surrealist Invitations
Come to the wardrobe and feel my prongs. A harpooned tunny-fish gasps in the bath. Queen Victoria uses my toilet. Barking owls cry in the wainscot. The mercer, the mercer.
written by Erskin Quint, 28 February 2010
Big Last Meal
Assisted suicide advisers questioned. "We usually just send them down to the BIGGER BURGER for three triple-sized with fries and that blows the arteries."
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
"People Always Grunting About Something"
Pigs accuse health officials in several countries over mass hysteria over Swine Flu.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
We're HOW Much In Debt?
President Obama discovers that the US is in debt so far it'll never recover. "Son of a gun, I had my mind on that health care thingy!"
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Damn good wash needed afterwards
Megane a Trois = O! 'Tis Enema Rag
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Hopefully laughing gas and not Zykjlon-B!
Menage a Trois = In A Gasometer
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Last Tango In Paris Hilton?
Menage a Trois = Seamier Tango
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
One always gets the blowjob
Menage a Trois = Aerating Some
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
No repeat performance required
One Night Stand = Thinnest Gonad
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
No orgasm for this lady!
Withdrawal Method = Thwarted Maid Howl
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Internal tuck 'n' nip needed or it's a divorce!
Withdrawal Method = Loathed Warm Width
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Body temperature vibrator?
Withdrawal Method = Hath Warm Wet Dildo
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Fellatio fans will understand!
Withdrawal Method = Throat-Dawdle Whim
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Holding back a moist climax!
Withdrawal Method = Withhold Wet Drama
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Frigid dowager always used condoms
Withdrawal Method = Melt Hardhat Widow
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
His bazooka loses some of its skin
Withdrawal Method = Warhead Width Molt
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Meat-free nutters in stimulus package
Heavy Petting = Pity The Vegan
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Ex-Prime Monster's porny deputy
Split Beaver = T. Blair's Veep
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Snake-in-the-grass gets comeuppance
Split Beaver = Belts A Viper
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Attracts lots of nasty comment
Split Beaver = Verbal Spite
written by queen mudder, 28 February 2010
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
You'd be Lion if you didn't answer positively to "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?"
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
Gays will enjoy Chip and Dales Rump Rangers
written by unknown
Last One Worked Out This Morning
Attorney Harry Whittington visited Dick Cheney while Cheney was recovering from latest heart attack and brought the former VP a sack of shotgun pellets from when VP shot him in the face!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
Want to keep it within your country? Get a piece of "American Tail."
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
Folks into beastiality can enjoy doing it doggie style with 101 Dalmations
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
Virginity ending services offered at booth of "Cherry Poppins"
written by unknown
New Adut Dizney Ride
Dizney World opens new adult section that features Donald Duck's No-Pants Plume!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
In Honor of Biden, Disney Reinvents Popular Bumper Car Game at Theme Park: 3 Now Dead!
"Driving Mr. Biden" may be recalled due to 3 spectators being killed as bumper cars go off course and hit innocent on lookers. Disney spokesman say they're only trying for 'realism' , blame floormats.
written by unknown
Disney Previews New High Speed Racing Game!
Called "High Speed Back Seat Driver" contestants try to corral Rep. Barney Frank as he careens around Washington bumping into people. Frank's actions are controlled by a "Joy Stick" resembling Penis.
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
"Jasmine's Magic Carpet Ride" has men lined up back to "Come Down the Chimney with Bert and Mary Poppins."
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
Older women like the classic section, because they all remember singing "Daniel Boone was a man, he was a big man."
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
If you like your women tight, avoid Ursula's cave and go for Minnie's mouse.
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
Many women say that their favorite attraction is Donald Dick, because he's used to being underwater and doesn't have to come up for air.
written by unknown
Disney Invents New Table Game Based on Off Field Soccer Life!
Pussball, an off shoot of the popular Foosball, pits players against each other in contest to see how many WAGS they can score in a 15 minute period. 2 points for a Spice Girl, - 10 points for Cheryl.
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
Several women enjoy the tag team ride of "Huey, Dewey, and Louie Give You A Screwy"
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
While many are willing to participate, some say sex with Disney characters is kind of Goofy.
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
Play along as Aladdin in the harem and show folks how you would spend your three wishes.
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
Porn film version shows Belle's lover really was a Beast.
written by unknown
Ivana Phuque Subject of New Disney Game: Mind the Gap!
Ivana Phuque, known as the 'Tunnel of Luv', is subject of new adult game detailing close encounters with the well endowed Olympic star. Said to recreate real experiences in UK underground by WAGS.
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
Math professors who helped design ride insist that The Little Mermaid wear an Algea-bra
written by unknown
Disney Parks Open New Adult Section
The animatronic "Ride the Little Mermaid" even smells fishy "down there."
written by unknown
Disney UK Reintroduces New "Punch & Judy" Interactive Game!
Participants get to kick, hit, and karate chop life like image of PM Gordon Brown, and also pull ears of Dummies Barry Obama and Prince Charles. Queues for the new game extend 'around the block!'
written by unknown
Disney Presents New Thai Game Sensation: Hang 'em High!
Deadly realistic game sees how long contestants can last as they hang around before they finally come out of closets. Viewers and participants alike said to be left 'breathless' and 'Giddy!'
written by unknown
A Man's Feet
Scientists in S. Korea stated today that through testing, they have laid to rest the theory that the size of a man's feet is related to the size of his penis. However, it does hold true for the smell.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Disney Presents New Internet Action Game: California Merry Go Round!
Shows hundreds of Hollywood celebs running around chasing each other's tail.
Players strive to reach Warren Beatty level, most relegated to Ashton Kutchner status shagging same 'old thing.'
written by unknown
Disney Adds New Obama Inspired Ride!
Frantic participants hysterically try to claw their way out of morass of brown, sticky stuff. Ride tagged as "Barry's Slippery Slope" said to be getting 'progressively worse' as no one wins prize!
written by unknown
Wedding Anniversary Specials
Dizney World opens new adult section that features Privates Of The Caribbean!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Special Honeymoon Offers
Dizney World opens new adult section that features Alice In Wonderbra!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
May As Well, Same With Everything Else
Deny all knowledge: How the Ministry of Defence now handles reported UFO sightings! Even if reports come from little three-foot green glowing guy.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Hungarian Gulag?
British businessmen freed from Hungarian jail after being held for four months without charge!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Ambassador Recalled
British Ambassador in Kuwait brought home after Embassy worker gets pregnant off toilet seat.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Charles Not Fit?
Queen's Privy Counsellor: Meddling Charles is unfit to be a king! "He's all ears, our Prince!"
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Anything Else?
Controversial technology to be installed in homes across the country could be exploited by terrorists, according to a leaked intelligence report. Terrorists thank government for info.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Competence Hearings
Now the Government wants competence tests before you can be a dog owner. Fourteen already turned down for calling one "delicious".
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Tsunami Waved Off!
First waves hit Japan and New Zealand after massive Chile earthquake. Apparently waves from citizens mean they are OK.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Owns Brown Belt!
Brown 'exploded with rage' when Tony Blair backtracked on vow to stand down after the Iraq war. But then pulled himself back together.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Brown, The Bully
Brown, the bully: Key No10 figure tells how he was pushed, kicked, back-handed, nuggets wired to a battery and shouted at by the PM
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Crime Stats Up!
Man caught robbing same bank twice in 24 hours. Forgot to take money the first time.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
It's A Good Thing!
NFL could change overtime format for playoffs. No more than ten commercials between ending of fourth quarter.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Prophet Right On
A Prophet' wins French film industry top prize, as predicted by prophet.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Suspicions As Doctors Study Women First
Study: High-fat diets raise stroke risk in women. Doesn't help men all that much either.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Ancient Chinese Wrecks
China, Kenya to search for ancient Chinese wrecks. Kenyans say so far, none found in Nairobi!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Icebergs Unpredictable
Iceberg breaks in Antarctica not where expected. Ghosts from the Titanic: "Same here!"
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
End The Bailouts!
Buffett: Execs should pay price for risky bets. No bailouts for those at the tracks all day!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Obama Signs Extensions
Obama signs one-year extension of Patriot Act, one-inch extension to penis enlargement offers.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Land Pirates Doing Better
Study reveals average booty of Nigerian pirates bigger than Somali pirates.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Nigerians At It Again
Voting is brisk as Tajikistan picks new parliament. Meanwhile Hatrackstan does not exist. Just Nigerians wanting UN funding.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Obama Gets Physical
The doctor's in: Obama getting routine physical, Reid, Pelosi object. Say he should have Royal Physical!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Counter Counter Counter Spy?
Al-Qaida bomber who called for attacks on Jordan spies in group convicted of spying!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
But Not Untouchable
Israeli minister says Hamas not untouchable, but they can sometimes get pretty ripe.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Three Big Winners
US sets medals record, Canada ties gold record, Brazil wins for most bronzed.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Back Pain Also In The Ass!
Chronic Back Pain Soothed by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy! Translation: We're not going to tell you until you come pay us $500.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Razerbacks Razer Sharp!
Scientists Unravel Mysteries of Intelligence! And of all places, in Arkansas!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Intelligence Discovered
Scientists Unravel Mysteries of Intelligence! Don't ask, you wouldn't understand.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
New Dizney For Couples
Dizney World opens new adult section that features Camp Rockin', Don't Bother Knockin'
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Dizney's Honeymoon Section
Dizney World opens new adult section that features The Toy Boy Story!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Dizney For Adults
Dizney World opens new adult section that features Merry Poppin's, the Three Mile Tunnel Of Love!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Dizney's Adult Rides
Dizney World opens new adult section that features The Biggest Mermaid!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
New Dizney Section Revives Marriages
Dizney World opens new adult section that features The Eighth Dwarf, "Horny".
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Surfers head for Hawaii for the ultimate KICK, riding a Tsunami!
Top surfers are rushing to Hawaii for the ultimate KICK, riding a Tsunami, the thought of surfing between floating cars, buses and dead bodies is TOO MUCH TO MISS, WOW, AWESOME MAN!
written by unknown
Rhymings Findings
Things that rhyme are more likely to be true than things that don't, a survey of 8 year olds showed. The findings mostly related to peoples physical appearances and bodily functions.
written by mickrikko, 28 February 2010
White powder drug of choice
For those surviving "snowmageddon" and "snowpocalypse", physicians recommend new medication: Snowvocaine.
written by neilwatson, 28 February 2010
Brown To Crack Down On Yobs
"We need to deal firmly with hooligans and bullies" he said as the police took him away.
written by Earl Grey, 28 February 2010
"Kiss me I'm Irish" says aging Sean Connery
Completely grossing out a group of young starlets at a Hollywood hills party gathering.Ewwww,was their startled reply.
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Doctors agree: Onions really can prevent bunions!
Of course we all know that most doctors relish a really good onion.
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Fed Chief Bernanke advises: Sell off lesser states to balance budget
"We could start with the hollow,rusted out states like Ohio and Michigan",the Smurflike Politico said.
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Arabs angry that Israel has "All the good artifacts"
"They're always finding cool stuff over in Israel",Jordanian Amir Mouhayeb said on "Meet the Oppressed" Sunday."Like the Dead Sea Scrolls,maybe if Islam was older,we'd have neat things too!"
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Schwarzenegger bugs out of job, now called "Exterminator"
"I'm just not as strong as I used to be",sighed the aging Governor at his capitol office."My biceps and triceps have become oneceps."
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Gatorade cuts ties to Tiger Woods, then restores contract.
"Whoops",our mistake says Gatorade,"We thought he'd stopped his flatulence,turns out it was his 'dalliance'!"
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Fact: Olympic hopeful iceberg collides with Chilean beach,causes earthquake!
"I forgot nine/tenths of me is under water,ran aground on beach",says berg.
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Gatorade drops Tiger Woods
Company says,"He obviously has found other ways to quench his thirst."
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Pacific Rim gives itself a good shaking.
You would too if you had that many crabs on your bottom!
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Barack Obama's sleep tormented by screaming Irish banshees
"Whoops", Ireland's banshees have apologized for the mistake. "The President's last name accidentally appeared as O'bama between O'Bally and O'Callaghan on our nightmare list. Our mistake."
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
Canadian Polar Bears Caught Using Olympic Curlers in Hair!
The men tried to run away but the bears were too fast for them!
written by Wumf, 28 February 2010
House Of Baldy The Mouse
Dizney World opens new adult section that features Mickey's Tricky Dicky Makey Sicky!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Daizy At Dizney
Dizney World opens new adult section that features Daizy Duck's Bouncing Buck!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Chip N Dale's At Dizney
Dizney World opens new adult section that features Chip N Dale's Surprize At The Size!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
New At Dizney World
Dizney World opens new adult section that features Uncle Brucie's Buggerland.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Dizney's Delightful Dallyworld
Dizney World opens new adult section that features The Digit Of Doom In The Prison Shower Room.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
She Will Hang On For Life
Dizney World opens new adult section that features The Quack Up Donald Dick, That'll Make You Shit a Brick! (Wouldn't Allow Us Donald Duck Because Of Rhyme)
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
New Dizney Ride
Disney World opens new adult section that features Red Hot Hannah From Montana!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Dizney For Adults
Dizney World opens new adult section that features The Big Cock Randy Mountain.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Jman Takes a Break, Checks into Rehab with Tiger!
A Spoof spokesman said the prolific writer was just "Phugued Out."
written by unknown
Colonel Juan Now A Target of Indian Ghurkhas After He Spoofs Deepika!
The Colonel was forced to dive for cover at a Spoof Convention when he was told the Red Dot in the middle of his forehead was moving. Displaying laser like speed, CJ redevoted himself to Cheryl Cole.
written by unknown
Olympic Results: Chile Takes The Gold!
Chile Takes The Gold In the Olympic Earthquake Competition with a record 8.8. Japan squeaks past Haiti to win the Silver with 7.1. While Haiti settles for the Bronze with a 7.0.
written by Adam Click, 28 February 2010
Big Gas Savings
Winn of the Annual Award For Saving Gas for the 30th year in a row, The Clown Car!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Missing Student Found
Missing college student's body found in New Jersey man's basement after he claimed him as a dependent on income tax form.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
If At All
"Gay & Proud Of It" bumper stickers not selling well in Iran.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Hairy Pooter Movies More Grown Up
Hairy Pooter movies to be more adult possibly beginning with Hairy Pooter Whips It Out!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Hairy Pooter More Grown Up
Hairy Pooter movies to be more adult possibly beginning with Hairy Pooter & The Pair-Of-Normal Activity.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
More Adult Harry Pooter
Hairy Pooter movies to be more adult possibly beginning with Hairy Pooter & The Small Penis Tattle Tail.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Pooter Films More Adult
Hairy Pooter movies to be more adult possibly beginning with Hairy Pooter & The Scoutmaster's Woman!
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Hairy Pooter More Adult
Hairy Pooter movies to be more adult possibly beginning with Hairy Pooter & The Tiger Woods Leftovers.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Pooter Films More Adult
Hairy Pooter movies to be more adult possibly beginning with Hairy Pooter & The Magic Purple Pills.
written by Bureau, 28 February 2010
Christie Alley Detained by Police After She Ties up Traffic With Camel Under Her Skirt!
The former Diva, now known as 'Bubba', tried to explain: " Well, first they kinda get their nose under the corner of you tent, the next thing you know....."
written by unknown
Laugh of the Week
A sign on House Speaker Pelosi's desk reads "I'm from the government and I am here to screw you!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
Over Regulation
Are Congress and US government agencies over regulating the country? Yes, they order EX-LAX by the ton while they themselves remain constipated!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
Power Corrupts
A sign on House Member Charlie Rangel's desk reads "The buck stops everywhere but here, especially when I go on free trips!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
Semantics, Semantics, Semantics
A man was arrested during an anti-health care reform rally for calling House Speaker Pelosi a witch. His lawyer said "that's a lie as my client used another word that sounded similar!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
Gangster Spending Habits
House Speaker Pelosi & Senate Majority Leader Reid's spending habits can be traced directly to John Dillinger. When John needed money, he went to a bank & got some of other people's money to spend.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
Hypocritical Liberal Left Wing Democrats
Senator Bidden railed against "Reconciliation" & Senator Reid rallied for the "Filibuster" when the Republicans were the majority party. Both Democrats reversed themselves, now as the majority party.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
Left Wing Intelligentsia Marry
Two know it all Democratic left wing elitist media personalities, who desire to rule everybody's life, were married & had 17 children. All the kids are non-elitist & became conservative Republicans!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
Democratic Health Care Reform Strategy
See no American people, hear no American people, and speak to no American people! Sounds like House Speaker Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Reid and President Obama's health care strategy.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
President Obama the Magician
During the health care summit everybody was watching President Obama's cooperative right hand. No one paid any attention to his far left hand, which is what magicians do to create an illusion.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
Climate Change Do-Over
The UN plans to do-over their climate change/global warming reports. The UN's problem is where to get those pesky Dinosaurs to recreate the environment that existed millions of years ago!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
New Survey Conducted
A survey has shown that people who didn't like Senator Hillary Clinton don't like House Speaker Pelosi by a factor of two to one!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
Political Statistics
"A majority of far left wing Democrats are morons" or is it "a majority of morons are far left wing Democrats."
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 28 February 2010
